Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Why Aren't These Characters In Play?!?


Where are The FREEDOM FIGHTERS?!? I mean, the stories you could tell! The Freedom Fighters are a government sanctioned superhero group based out of The Pentagon, fighting any menaces, at home and abroad, the government calls to their attention.

Led by The Fighting Spirit of America, UNCLE SAM, who's prone to bouts of madness and rage whenever America feels out of whack. The Fredom Fighters are composed of:

THE HUMAN BOMB, a human bomb!

DAMAGE, another human bomb but wait...this one has super-strength and endurance, to boot. He could blow stuff up all day long!

PHANTOM LADY II, a scantily-clad young lady whose weapons allow her to cast "blacklight." She wast trained in the art of espionage by The Original Phantom Lady, a former U.S. senator's daughter.

THE RAY II, the son of The Original Ray, he's a living solar battery, who much like The Human Bomb and Damage is prone to explosion.

and THE BLACK CONDOR II, he's like some manic-depressive, Native American who works for the government. He flies, too.

So, to recap, that's the spirit of jingoism, three guys who blow up, an exhibitionist and a depressed Native American federal employee.

Can you imagine these guys in foreign lands "peace-keeping?" I can.

I call out to The Great Spirit, Grant Morrison! I beg of you! Take these characters into your Scottish heart and give them a proper home! Now, more than ever, the world needs Morrison on The Freedom Fighters.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Character Donations #92-96


I've never been able to understand them, these CHALLENGERS OF THE UNKNOWN. As a kid, I used to MARVEL at the similarities between this and another quartet of adventuring, crash-surviving science heroes. I think it had something to do with the matching purple jumpsuits.

Who wouldn't love a team comprised of a pipe-smoking professor (Prof.), a young hothead (Red), a hulkish bruiser (Rocky) and some guy (Ace). So, you ask, where's the blonde woman to set things right? Well, a certain June Robbins came along just a while later to set things right.

Did I mention that The Challengers Of The Unknown were created by Jack Kirby in 1957? Four years before he went on to create The Fantastic Four for Marvel. The fact that they're DC Kirby creations should be enough to send them packing but what makes me want them gone is the simple fact that...well...they don't fit anymore.

They're just so damned Silver Age. They were created for a universe short on superheroes. A universe that hadn't quite let Barry Allen (The Flash) take hold. The DC Universe doesn't have this problem anymore. That's why we're doing this little exercise. Should problems arise, DC's superhero set are always more than up to the challenge. The Challengers were an idea, simply, ahead of their time and place. Plain and simple.

Only in The DCU can that not be such a great thing.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Spoiler Alert!


Geez, man! When's Keith Giffen's DC work gonna catch a break?! After reading Detective Comics #810, you have to wonder if DC is playing "Scorched Earth" when it comes to Giffen.

In the space one year, numerous characters he helped gain prominence within The DCU have been killed off.

Blue Beetle.
Maxwell Lord.
Rocket Red 7.
Captain Atom.

Heck, even Mr. Miracle's former sidekick, Shiloh Norman is getting in on the act replacing Scott Free as Mr. Miracle in the SEVEN SOLDIERS: MR. MIRACLE mini-series.

After having four of "your" characters killed within a year's time, what more could happen?

In 2000's Suicide Squad #1, Giffen killed off an All-New Suicide Squad, one comprised of former villains, The Cluemaster, Big Sir, Major Disaster, Multi-Man and Clock King. Villains, who in the pages of "Justice League" Giffen decided to have go "legit" following years of getting their butts handed to them by the superhero set. So, what better way to prove your good intent than by petitioning to join The Justice League. It didn't go so well. They were soon assigned to The JLA's Antarctica branch. Before they showed up, there wasn't an Antarctica branch.

Well, somehow the government got to them and "KABLOOEY!" Five dead villains.

2005. Make that four.

Well, just...dang.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Character Donation #85


There are few things that I'm sure of. I do not always know what day it is. There is one thing I am sure of: nicknaming your child "Kitty" either (a.) Pre-destines them to a life of stripping...or (b.) In The DC Universe, science.

Karen Lou "Kitty" Faulkner participated in a Daily Planet sponsored science competition, exhibiting her findings in solar energy. Anyone who's ever read a Spider-Man comic knows you want to be NO WHERE NEAR a science exhibition while actively participating in a comic book. Nothing good comes of it.

"Kitty" was caught in an explosion turning her into RAMPAGE, a golden, solar energy powered SHE-HULK with superhuman strength, endurance and speed.

Her name is a noun. Her name is her "thing."

Much like a certain female jade Marvel character, she becomes stronger the dumber she gets. Some brilliant writer decided the only way to control this problem was to put a collar on her.

*eep*

Where's Ol' Doc Wertham when ya need him?

Rampage's first appearance was in Superman #7, July '87. She was created by a one John Byrne, who two years prior to his work on Superman was the writer/artist on Marvel's Fantastic Four comic. A comic where he replaced founding member, The Thing with...you guessed it...She-Hulk.

Sometimes, a man misses his woman.

Unlike She-Hulk, Rampage has never quite seemed to master her powers or her appearance. Rampage sports the haircut of choice amongst DC's dubious. The "Mohawk." Ask New Wave, Magpie and Atom-Smasher where a "Mohawk" will get ya.

I choose to suffer Rampage, no more. I choose, instead to focus on the possibility of bringing the beautiful She-Hulk over to The DCU. What universe couldn't use a green-eyed, super-powered, fun-loving, long-legged lawyer? Can you imagine the fun she and Power Girl could have? Can you imagine a story where She-Hulk tries to keep a certain "The Superman/Big Barda Sex Tape" off the market? I can. DC needs her.


Marvel, we need her.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Why Aren't These Characters In Play?!?


I want...No. I NEED to read a comic about a genius mini-skirt wearin', multi-lingual, fencing computer hacker and her comic book artist partner who's superpower is to "persuade" minds.

Did I mention I that one's sister is Dumb Bunny of "The Inferior Five" and the other's the grandson of one The Flash's greatest villains, Gorilla Grodd?

DC Comics, I beg of you! Give me a new "Angel And The Ape" series to covet. If you can find a home for Bobo, The Detective Chimp, you can do the same for these two. They're wonderful. I'm sure someplace like Starman former hometown of Opal City could use a good pair of crimefighters now that Elongated Man's semi-retired and now that The Black Condor's on his way to dead. You don't have to "Vertigo" them to get my attention. You don't.

You had me at the name..."Angel And The Ape."

Sunday, August 21, 2005

This Is A Test!


You think you know The DC Universe? Do you really? To know The DC Universe is to The Vertigo Universe. You know the one with that Sandman kid.

I'm questioning your manhood, son!

Test your knowledge by naming at least four DC characters who "cross" over to The Vertigo Universe on a regular basis.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Character Donation #79


In 1976, Eric Needham got himself hooked on drugs. While strung-out on smack, his silly ass was too high to realize he was robbing his own father's liquor store. He COULD have known drugs were bad for him but it was four years too early for Nancy Reagan to create a "Just Say "No!" To Drugs" campaign.

Needless to say, he shot his own father. Oh, Protector! You were born too late!

So, he gets arrested and somehow CONVINCES HIMSELF IT WAS THE DRUG PUSHERS' FAULT FOR SELLING HIM THE DRUGS, CAUSING HIM, in effect, TO KILL HIS OWN FATHER.

Not him. The drug dealers.

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

He cleans himself up, bulks up and begins to stockpile weapons upon his release from prison, vowing vengeance upon his father's killers. He dawns a Spider-Man-esque costume in order to lure Gotham's criminal element into the web of...THE BLACK SPIDER! "Sucking" hasn't been the same since.

Note to all future drug addicts, when and if you clean yourself up after shooting your father while on drugs, it is your fault. Not the drug dealers. Thinking like this says you should spend the rest of your life getting your ass kicked by someone like The Marvel Universe's Daredevil, not Batman. You don't deserve to be in a universe where The Protector and The Keebler Elves dwell. Kids, listen to The Protector...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

BoP-ed In The Head (Updated)


I can't say which surprised me more. The fact that after two one-shots, two mini-series, a really bad TV series and some 85 monthly issues, I'm reading and loving Birds of Prey or issue 85's ending.

Birds of Prey has pretty consistently been one of my favorite comics, especially since the addition of Gail Simone as series writer. In my store, the numbers on the book have climbed progressively upwards and that's a wonder in today's marketplace. Especially great is the book's ability to have done so without having the characters resort to getting their ya-yas out in an effort to sell it.

I love that this book has made me consider Black Canary as something other than Green Arrow's girlfriend or a "default" Wonder Woman. I love that this book has done more for the character of Barbara (Oracle) Gordon than a million adventures as her former persona, Batgirl, ever could have. Oracle has become a seriously vital player in The DC Universe, using her wits and intelligence in ways she would have never considered while Batgirl. She's done so while managing a disability.

The last page of Birds of Prey #85 could be the beginning of something many fans have been asking for but not this one. I think it may be a disservice to the character of "Oracle." Before John Ostrander brilliantly capitalized on Barbara's genius intellect in the pages of Suicide Squad, I wondered what would become of the character after having her spinal cord blown to pieces in "Batman: The Killing Joke." I wondereded no more as Ostrander into DC's information broker, Oracle. She went on, arguably, to become even more powerful than Batman. In most worlds, information is king. In The DCU, it's "queen." As Oracle, she did something I never could have imagined for her as Batgirl. She joined The Justice League.

All done, masterfully, from a wheelchair.

I have mixed emotions about Birds of Prey #85. I want to love the last page. I don't. I do. I dunno. The DCU is a place of miracles but just this once, I'd like to see reality play out within a comic book.

(Update: Just to clarify a bit, I'm not totally against this plotpoint at the end of BoP #85. I just hope it is what it may be, a plotpoint. Like when Bane broke Batman's back. It was a plotpoint. When Wonder Woman went blind, it was a plotpoint. Even Barbara's paralysis was, initially, a plotpoint, just one someone didn't choose to ignore. It was one someone used to make the character stronger in a way I didn't think this character could be. Doc Midnite's blindness isn't a plotpoint, I don't think Oracle's paralysis is either.)

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Can I Just Say That I Love Black People?


I happen to be a Black People myself and oh, how I love me. We're inventors, storytellers, entertainers, doctors, lawyers, businessmen and women and in The DC Universe...supervillains.

I love DC Comics where they say "Forget PC, cuz! We got comics to make!"

Two years ago, while talking to Scip of "The Absorbascon" fame, we got onto the subject of cool villains and out popped the name "Black Manta." Manta's always been a favorite of mine and I never quite knew why. Was it because of unearthly design of his costume? Was it the icy eerieness of his voice from "The Super Friends" cartoon? Was it his cool Manta Ship? Truly, it was all of that but I did not know just what made him so enigmatic. Why was Black Manta "The Number One Foe" over Aquaman's own brother, The Oceanmaster?

Scip goes, "You know why Black Manta's "Black Manta?"

"Maybe because of the black costume. Duh-huh!" says I.

"No, Devon. Because Black Manta is a Black man in a manta costume."

(Stunned silence on my end.)

I think I then began to cry.

I needed to learn more. Black Manta is a scientist, who sick of racism on the surface, decided a Black man's right was to be dominant underwater, by any means necessary. That's when I fell head-over-heels in love with Black Manta. The moment I realized he was crazy. My kind of crazy.

Crazy is, as in the current Aquaman run, running for mayor of Sub Diego,simply because you believe Aquaman isn't representing the Black population properly.

Crazy is shattering the myth that Black people can't swim and convincing other Black men to become underwater henchmen.

Crazy is being the first member to join Lex Luthor's Legion of Doom in the pages of this month's "Justice" maxi-series. (Black Manta does not operate on "CPT-time.")

Crazy is kidnapping Aquaman's son, Arthur, Jr, placing the water-breathing child in an air bubble. Forcing Aquaman to duel to the death his adopted son, Aqualad, in order save his birth son's life.

I'll read that villain over a "Master of Magnetism" any ol' day. Mags may be evil but Black Manta is crazy. Black Manta is enigmatic, college-educated, motivated and crazy.

I like that "crazy." As I once said, "Pulling your d*** out in public makes sense to the crazy." Black Manta pulls his out with every appearance.

In that sense, Black Manta is one of the truest of supervillains.

Monday, August 15, 2005

A Message To All Songwriters...


Please stop using Superman's name in your songs. The term "Superman" should not be lyrical shorthand for your own inadaquecies. You lower the pop culture bar everytime you do this. You hurt my head everytime you do this. Yes, I am a comic book elitist and yes, I do hate it when people walk into my store and ask me, "Have you heard that 'Superman" song?"

AUUUGHHH! Which f****n' one?

Yes, Superman is an ideal but It does not impress me that you reference "Superman," at all. It only goes to show little you know about life, literature and pop culture. Five For Fighting, Dave Matthews, anyone considering using Superman's name...just stop.

Stop.

No more sweetly croonin' tunes in a desperate attempt to get groupies to see your "sensitivity." Don't give middle-aged men anymore soft rock songs to dedicate to their wives after they've cheated on them with thier mistresses. No more soundtracks for fratboy heartbreak. Leave Superman out of it. Superman's THE ideal. If you want to live up to the ideal, be clever. Reference the ideal, not the name. Leave a subtle message. Y'know, being kinder to your fellows instead of whiny to the masses. Do something positive with the "Superman" name...

or would that be too un-Superman?

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Ummm....Ugh?

This sucks. This absolutely sucks. I've been reduced to lurking on my own blog and I'm sick about it.

Long story short is: I just don't have a lot of time to do this now. As you may or may not know, I manage a comic book book store. One that's open 66 and a half hours a week. I'm SUPPOSED to work there a least 40 hours a week. When you take everything I have to do into account, I usually work about 50 hours a week. (Someone has to do subscriptions after the store closes.) Somehow, with all of that I managed to have a life.

No more. Not for awhile, anyway.

Big changes abound at the store and I soon hope to be able to tell you about them.

The other thing is that I have a man down with a foot fractured in 3 places. He's the guy I handed the baton off to so that I could work around the store done. He was the guy who allowed me to have a life outside the store. He was the guy who allowed me to blog.

With him gone, I've been working more like 70 hours a week, six days a week. I sincerely hope his foot feels better just so he feels better. Selfishly, I hope he gets better so I can breathe again.

(Before anyone pipes in and says, "Well, just hire someone else," you have NO idea how hard it can be to find a trustworthy, knowledgable and cordial fanboy to work full-time in a Washington, D.C. comic book store.)

Once things calm down a bit, I've got some stuff in the pipeline that will crack Scipio Garling's internet in half. I've finally gotten around to my "Salute To A Crazy Black Man" post. The "Character Donations" will continue and hey, I just may cause someone to get naked and dance.

You never know. Anyway, keep checking back. Things'll get regular again before you know it and seriously...

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Aquaman: The Movie!


Oh, God! I just may have developed my first man-crush. While posting comments at "The Absorbascon" for who should portray Aquaman in "Vibe: The Movie, Meng" I suggested Jason Lewis "Sex And The City."

I later did a IMDB search for pictures and...and...



Heterosexuality and pride, be damned.

I'm sorry but that's one ruggedly pretty man. He seems to come with his own aura.

*ahem*

My point is that Aquaman should have that effect on everyone. That is the effect a KING has on people, male and female.

Anyways, after a had sex with 90 women, I later saw that he's tentatively schedule to play He-Man in a live-action "Masters of The Universe" movie.

Dude, you wanna play a hero? Don't waste your time with He-Man. Play one with a history as father, husband and all-around ass-kicker. Trust me, son, the ladies swoon for Aquaman. Ask any woman who's ever seen the "Super Friends" cartoon series They love the guy!. Go to your agent and ask if there's an Aquaman movie being made. If there is, it has your name on it.

Jason Lewis, you are "our" Aquaman. You just don't know it yet.

Character Donations #69-73


“Seven Hells!” would like to nominate THE TEEN TITANS for donation to Marvel.

Scip of “The Absorbascon” fame’s new religion is the hate he heaps upon a Mr. Marv Wolfman. He hates all things Wolfman. He refers to “Starfire” as "the turd.” I hate him for that. She’s one of my fictional “baby’s mamas.” A man should never attack another man’s fictional “baby’s mama.” I will not give Scip the satisfaction of sending my beloved Titans over to Marvel.

I will send over Dan Jurgens’ though. How could you not?

Five Earth women were chosen for experimentation by the evil alien empire, The H’San Natall, creating five half alien/half human superheroes no one will give a dang about.

RISK: A MUTANT with super-strength, speed and stamina.

JOTO: Generates intense heat from his bare hands.

PRYSM: Controls light. (So does anyone flicking a light switch, hon.)

FRINGE: He has powers and his parents threw him off a bridge.

ARGENT: Generates silver plasma. (Baby, give up crimefighting. Crap in a bucket and make yourself rich.)

Separate, they’re outcasts, fighting nemeses like…Dark Nemisis, together they fight one another, bickering and crying, angst-ing on one another’s shoulder as X-Men often do.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Together, they suck the wind out of sails.

Together, they AREN’T The Teen Titans!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Recapping...

"Seven Hells!" in cooperation with The Absorbascon has been offering characters up for "donation" to Marvel based on the character'(s) strengths and weaknesses or simply their inability to "fit" into The DCU.

I thought it would be a good idea to list the "donations," to date and the site that spirited them off all Jor-El like.

1-37. The New Gods (Absorbascon)
38. Firestorm ("Seven Hells!)
39-43. The Hangmen (Absorbascon)
44. Orca ("Seven Hells!)
45. Mirage (Absorbascon)
46. The KGBeast ("Seven Hells!")
47. NKVDemon (Absorbascon)
48. Gunfire ("Seven Hells!)
49. Firehawk (Absorbascon)
50. Man-Bat ("Seven Hells!)
51-55. Helix (Absorbascon)
56-58. Vigilante(s) II-IV ("Seven Hells!)
59-60. Cannon & Sabre (Absorbascon)
61. Space Cabby ("Seven Hells!)
62. Lobo (Absorbascon)
63. Judomaster ("Seven Hells!")
64-65. Mongul & Mongal (Absorbascon)
66. Wild Dog ("Seven Hells!)
67. The Duke Of Oil (Absorbascon)
68. Snapper Carr ("Seven Hells!)

...and more to come!

Character Donation #68


Hey, what're you doing there, son? Is that a JLA thermonuclear device you're toying with?

Of course it is, you're SNAPPER CARR, that's what you do. You thought you were helping.

I guess that's what a JLA mascot does. They get all "Zan & Jayna" and "help" things up for the heroes to have to fix.

Snap, you're a walking plot device. You're our Rick Jones.



See? All's missing from Rick is a constant snapping of fingers like some member of an Appalachian music quartet.

Snap, I know you didn't mean to sabotage The Justice League by letting The Joker into their SECRET LAIR anymore than Rick Jones meant to fall asleep at a gamma bomb testing site. It's O.K.

You're Snapper Carr, that's what you do. You're just full of Marvel goodness. You're "Cold War," baby! That goes a long way at Marvel, Snap.

Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion you somehow kept Robin out of The Justice League.

Maybe when you go to Marvel, you can mentor young heroes there like Rick Jones does in "Runaways."

Wait a minute! Snapper, you used to mentor "Young Justice" waaaay before Rick got the idea.

(!)

God, someone took a page from "The Snapper Carr Playbook." (Shakes head in bewilderment)

See ya, hepcat! Say "Hey!" to the "squares" at Marvelsville.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Thor's Comic Column


Finished a new reveiw for "CHUD: Thor's Comic Column" (See the "Links" section) spotlighting Green Arrow #53 and a return to the "mainstream" for Bill Messner-Loebs.

As usual, here's the first paragraph:

Few creators can boast about compiling significant writing stints on such diverse-in-tone characters as The Flash, Wonder Woman, Hawkman, Thor, Impulse and The Maxx. Few can say that they wrote them well. Bill Messner-Loebs can and he has every right to. During the 90’s, I was constantly amazed by the man’s ability to somehow interpret Sam Kieth’s perplexing “adventures” of The Maxx. I read his four-year run on The Flash where he, not Mark Waid or Geoff Johns, re-introduced many a new fan to the fabled “Rogue’s Gallery.” I was pleasantly amused in his attempts to depart on Wonder Woman, humanity by having The Amazonian Princess get a job in a fast food restaurant. While Messner-Loeb’s never appeared on Wizard’s list of “hot” writers, the people who read his work knew his voice to be one of the most unique in comics.

.................................................................................

It should post soon soon. I humbly ask you to read it.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Officially Geeked!



The cover?

Hawkman #46.

Notice the artist's last name?

Kubert.

Adam Kubert, to be exact.

His father?

Legendary Hawkman artist Joe Kubert.

How cool is that?

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Character Donation #66


WILD DOG, I want you to go to Marvel and meet Scourge...or Bucky, no, Nomad. Ummm, The Winter Soldier?

Whatever!

I want you to pull out guns and go all Marvel-ous on one another.

Wild Dog, you deserve only the best Marvel has to offer. If that is a bullet to the head, so be it.

I love you that much.

I've Been Probed By The Washington Examiner!

I've been runnin' my mouth again.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Character Donation #63


Oh! Clutch the pearls! It's Judomaster and from the way he's dressed, he's just returned from France where he was touring with Cirque Du Soleil.

You know how you go to a club and there's six people at a table. Five are beautiful and upon listening, you find them to be brilliant conversationalists but there's that one who ain't so beautiful. The one who answers everything in sighs and grunts. You ask yourself, "Who the hell let him or her in?" During DC's 80's acquisition of The Charlton line of characters, they took upon The Blue Beetle, Nightshade (Currently appearing in Day Of Vengeance), Captain Atom (Who's due to set The Wildstorm Universe on its' ear starting with November's Captain Atom: Armageddon),the enigmatic Question and... Judomaster.

He's "That Guy At The Table."

He has the power to judo chop. So does Batman, Nightwing, Robin, Conner Hawke, Batgirl, Bronze Tiger, Black Canary, Karate Kid, Lady Shiva and most importantly, so does Richard Dragon, Kung-Fu Fighter. I like him somehow.

Marvel's Iron Fist could use a new sidekick, anyway.

Bye, Judomaster. Say "hey" to Space Cabby for me.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Lest We Forget...The Red Tornado

Remember a day when being an android housing a living tornado meant something to people?

I do. DC, please, please, please bring back Red Tornado. I mean just look at him.



How could you not love him? He looks like a racecar and... he's Justice League.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that he hasn't had the most glorious history but he's got something going for him someone the likes of Firestorm doesn't have: legacy.


Drawing inspiration from the superheroes of DC's Golden Age, "Ma" Hunkel donned a cooking pot and a union suit and fought crime in the streets of New York. She was never officially made a member of The JSA but was afforded a sort of "honorary" member status. After living for decades in The Witness Protection Program to keep her children out of harm's way, "Ma" was welcomed back, with open arms, to The JSA by none other than The Golden Age Green Lantern and Flash, Wildcat and Hawkman. She currently serves as The JSA's curator and defacto housemarm, giving whacks to Wildcat's thick skull and hugs to younger JSA'ers such as Power Girl and Stargirl.

Some years later, on the planet Rann (Where there's ALWAYS some crazy Adam Strange-induced crap goin' on.), the living cycle known as The Tornado Tyrant broke free, finding its' way to the planet Earth. Soon it found itself in the clutches of the villainous roboticist T.O. Morrow. Morrow , in an inspired moment of brilliance, fused The Tyrant into an android body, dubbing his new creation...The Red Tornado. Evil Morrow then sent his creation off to do what Silver Age "legacy" characters did back then: join a super-team. Only this time, to destroy them.



Encountering first, The Justice Society, he almost immediately turned on them. Later, with the Justice League entered the fray, Red Tornado broke free of his creator's programming to later on become a valued member of The 70's "Satellite" The Justice League.

Upon the 90's disbanding of The League, Red Tornado found himself as a member of The Forgotten Heroes...oops,I meant, Primal Force, later going on to briefly mentor DC's third generation of superheroes, Young Justice (Robin, Superboy, Wonder Girl and Impulse).

Not too shabby, huh, except when you consider that his current appearances always seem to come down to this...



DC, stop. Stop the madness. Please realize what you've got. You've got a Justice League character housing a FORCE OF NATURE within his chest. Use him. Make new fans understand how extraordinary of a character Red Tornado can be.



I'm begging you. You have a universe full of gems that you seem to keep trapped in a vault. Gems only glisten in the the light.

Monday, August 01, 2005

A Typical Day, Unfortunately.


Last week at Beyond Comics:

(Phone rings)

Devon: "Beyond Comics, Devon speaking."

Caller: "Y'all got any Green Lantern t-shirts?"

Devon: "Yes, we do."

Caller: "What sizes y'all got?"

Devon: "Umm...right now, we've got mediums through double extra-larges."

Caller: "What color are them jo'nts?" (DC slang for "joints")

Devon: "!" (Momentarily silenced due more to the atrocious grammar than anything.)

Devon: "Green."

Caller: "Ya'll aint got no other colors like, blue?"

Devon: "No, sir. GREEN Lantern shirts come in green and sometimes black and I usually don't carry those."

Caller: "Why not?"

Devon: "I prefer to sell GREEN Green Lantern t-shirts. Green."

Caller: "Could you order me a blue one."

Devon: "No, sir. They don't make BLUE Green Lantern t-shirts. I could order you a black Green Lantern t-shirt, if you'd like. It'll be in by next week."

Caller: "Nah. Nah. Black wouldn't match the outfit I'm trying to put together for the club tonight."

(Black matches everything, by the way.)

Devon: *sighing* "Can I help you with anything else, sir?"

Caller: "Nah." "Yeah!"

Devon: "Yes?"

Caller: "Is ya'll hirin'?"

Character Donation #61


There's "silly" as in, "Oh, God! Robotman has a robot dog!" No, actually, that's "precious." ;-)

...and then there's just SILLY!

In a universe where women deflect bullets with bracelets and Earthmen receive power rings fueled on willpower, where exactly does SPACE CABBY fit into it all?

Answer: He doesn't.

What does he do?

He drives a frickin'... cab...in...The...22nd...century. Meaning it'll probably be just as hard for a Black man to hail a cab in the future as it is today.

Anyways, Marvel could use this character alot better than DC ever could. Just Imagine...Stan Lee! recreating Space Cabby as the cosmic "sage" of The Marvel Universe, dispensing "philosophy" to the likes of The Silver Surfer, Adam Warlock, Quasar and Thor.

Oh, the possibilities! The potential!

Besides, somebody's gotta take Donations 1 through 60 over to Marvel.

Space Cabby, destiny fulfilled.

Excelsior, Space Cabby! It was nice knowing ya!