Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Kyle Rayner, Adult

It's Tuesday, so you know what that means! It's time for...

Kyle Rayner,Adult!!!!

You're Kyle Rayner, Adult and you're given a chance to visit The Spirit Plane. Now, he could...I don't know...make peace with that woman in the refrigerator. Ummm... No. Our Kyle Rayner, Adult is having none of that.



Kyle Rayner, Adult wants to get naked from the waist up, dance...and dammit, there'd better be some m*****f*****' Special K*, glowsticks and a m*****f*****'pacifier on the other side.

*He'll settle for "E" if he has to.

Seeing as how there isn't, I guess you'll have to go about the mission, huh, Kyle?

I hope a white buffalo pees on him.

As usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is brought to you by...



...it's "Kyle-approved!!!"

Special thanks to James Rambo for pointing out the picture.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Delicious!


I am here to make an announcement.

The Brave & The Bold writer Bob Haney was a genius. A mad genius but a genius, nonetheless. How do I know this? I read it in a book. The Titans Companion, to be exact. One of the things I loved most about Haney was his dialogue, as it was... let's just say... unique. While surfing around, I ran across this. Without knowing exactly what comic it came from, my very first thought was, "Probably Bob Haney."

Batman walking around in broad daylight, checking out the ladies...oh, indeedy...it is nothing short of "delicious."

Screw what you thought you knew, dialogue and plot worked with Haney, not the other way around, man. Haney didn't give a damn about your continuity rules, man. IF Batman wants to take a daytime stroll, dammit, in The Haneyverse, Batman takes a daytime stroll! For someone who really did not give much of a damn about continuity, I've discovered Haney created or co-created a lot of it for other persons to play with.



Slowly but surely, Bob Haney became one of The Silver Age's main architects.
For starters: Did you know that it was Bob Haney who provided Robin with his favored mode of transportation, the motorcycle? Think about. When you picture Robin, it's not in the passenger seat of The Batmobile, is it. No, it's Robin on a red motorcycle blasting towards danger. That was pure Haney.

Haney also had a hand in creating or co-creating DC Comics mainstays The Doom Patrol, Sgt. Rock, Metamorpho, The Ocean Master and God love Bob Haney...

BLACK MANTA!!!

As the peach is synonymous with Georgia, crazy Silver Age DCU was synonymous with Haney. We at "Seven Hells!" absolutely adore "good" crazy and nothing says "crazy good" Black Manta and The DCU legacy left behind by Mr. Bob Haney.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Saturday


In Keystone, if two sexually frustrated women go on a spanking spree, it would become a case for The Special Victims Unit.

In Metropolis, it's just another Saturday.

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Sound And The Fury

What is the sound a man makes when caught in a sandstorm generated by Hawkman's wings?



That's right, ladies and gentlemen. "YOOCH!"

I hope to someday to have a lovely young lady make that sound someday but not in a Hawkman-generated-sandstorm kind of way...

...if ya know what I mean. (Said while poking you in the ribs in a "Kyle Rayner" sort of way.)*

*Send all complaints to Scipio Garling who will forward them to "The Hal Jordan Council To Prevent Childhood Head Trauma."

A worthy cause and one I could have benefitted from.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Free Comic Book Day 2006


It pains me to announce that in the war of ideas, Marv...yeesh, I can't even type that word...Marvel Comics has, for once, trounced DC Comics.

Come Free Comic Book Day, Marvel will be releasing a 40 page comic book featuring an all-new Runaways/X-Men story written by Runaways creator and former Batman scribe, Brian K. Vaughan. Runaways is one of the best comics out, period.

DC offers Justice League Unlimited #1. A comic already reprinted and packaged in thousands of Justice League Unlimited figures. Same sh*t, every year, man. Look, I understand that you can't necessarily hand a kid a copy of most of what DC publishes, (too "adult," "too tied in to Infinite Crisis continuity") but damn, couldn't they do better than this?

So, you ask, "What would make you happy, Devon?" This: If you want to get young people hooked on Justice League Unlimited, give them something new to look at. Namely, a Justice League Unlimited comic produced especially for Free Comic Book Day. One where Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman literally sit down to go over part of The League's vast roster. Now, I know who every member of The League is but hey, even I would read something like that. As a retailer, I am fully aware that someone's first visit to a comic book store very well could be their last time in a comic book store.

While we're at it let's think about this, as well: Parents have to bring their kids into the comics shop for Free Comic Book Day, why aren't we able to offer the parents something as well? Could you imagine the potential readers comics could get if something like the first issue of Ex Machina were offered again as a giveaway or even a Jonah Hex #1? Instant interest, in my opinion.

So, yes, I'll say it: Marvel beat DC all to hell on this one. Free Comic Book Day was designed to bring in new readers. DC Comics needs to work a lot harder in order to help me keep them longer than just a day.

P.S. Be sure to pick up Oni Press' all-new FCBD offering, Free Scott Pilgrim!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Wednesday


Lois Lane and Thorn strapped to a huge organ, while a another woman lies, bound and gagged on the floor.

In Gotham, this would be horrifying.

In Metropolis, they call this Wednesday.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Kyle Rayner, Adult

I'd like to welcome Kyle Rayner to "Seven Hells!" as he's been elected as our regular Tuesday whipping boy . As St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes...well...nothing says lost cause like Kyle.



So, what do you do if you wield one of the most powerful weapons in the universe? You find the first fourteen year-olds you can find and in order to hide your own insecurities with manhood you start ragging on adults. The 'tweens, knowing an idjit when they see one*, rally around their mentors, leaving Kyle ass-out.

*They've met Johnny Thunder.

Jakeem: "Least he's not wearin' no dog collar."

Stargirl: "Heh."

Dreadlocked Black child (fist clenched and ready to knock his bitch-ass out): One.

Metrosexual: Zero.

Meanwhile, The Atom, who always manages to find the time to rest his foot on the breast of a fifteen year-old girl, can only watch in horror as Kyle shows his ass, literally and figuratively, thinking:

"That m*****f*****'s Jean Loring crazy."


...and as usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is brought to you by the makers of...



"It's Kyle-approved!"

Monday, January 23, 2006

Hex Is Magic!

Taken from a DC Comics press release:

"JONAH HEX #1 and 2, the first two issues of the hot new DCU western series, have sold out at DC Comics. The series is written by Jimmy Palmiotti & Justin Gray and illustrated by Luke Ross."

This news makes me nothing but happy. The comics industry can support something more than superheroes and lovelorn emo-boy comics, leaving room on the racks and in The DC Universe for a ornery cowboy. I'm especially pleased that DC made it happen minus the Vertigo imprint.

A bit of expanation:

Thirteen years ago, Jonah Hex's adventures were placed under the Vertigo banner because they just got plain weird. Somewhere along the line, Hex rode giant worms and fought cannibalistic guitar players. Very Vertigo, not very DC.

Today, Hex is back where he belongs, in The DCU. An ordinary man holding his own in a universe where superheroes will eventually do the extraordinary and this got me to thinking about DC's character reclamations...

DC, make one more reclamation:


Tim Hunter.

I believe people will read the adventures of a young, bespectacled, magically gifted British orphan. I think children might read something like that. Where better to read something like that than The DCU? I appreciate that in order to differentiate Tim from another young British lad, Vertigo aged him and had him having all kinds of complicated sex or somesuch but I just think that the premise of the original Tim Hunter's Books of Magic would be so much more interesting if it were set in The DC Universe.

Tim Hunter should operate in a universe where there's a Billy Batson. Tim Hunter should experience the sight of chimp-led Shadowpact.

Keep this book relatively all-ages, have it written with the same intent towards accessiblity (i.e. short stories) shared with Justice League Unlimited or Jonah Hex has and well, Tim Hunter just may have a new lease on life. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Vertigo but I also don't believe that in order to make a character interesting, you don't have to make it "mature". Maybe it's time we all stopped being apologists for being there first and maybe it's time for DC to bring one of its' more original creations forward.

I think it's time to bring Tim Hunter home.

Friday, January 20, 2006

From Batman's Secret, Secret Gotham Files

Log No. 4815162342

"This one intrigues me, this Bueno Excellente, an associate of Hitman Tommy Monaghan, he defies classification. Is he man or myth, hero or villain, lunatic or vigilante?"

"With sinister giggling accompanying an unorthodox method of crime-fighting, his name has come to be whispered in Gotham's back alleys, striking fear into those who would chose a life of crime. Of course, like The Huntress before him, I would never actually sanction the severity in which he fights crime. His tactics though... harsh, I believe are somewhat... necessary, as crime has been down nearly one-hundred percent in certain parts of Gotham City, freeing me up to follow other pursuits such as my fledging Brother Eye project. I'll be keeping an eye on this one."

End File.





Thursday, January 19, 2006

Ummm.... Version 2.0


Well, Kyle is a rather pretty man. Even a one-eyed man can see that.

By the way, go to your local comics shop and check out IDW's art book, Swallow 2. Featuring artwork from Fables' James Jean, Runaways' Jo Chen and others, it will make you proud to be a fan of the comics medium.


Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Vacation's Over...

Blogging will commence soon.

Very soon.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Don't Bother


I don't like Shakira. Like Kyle, she discombobulates me with all of that unnecesssary gyration. She thinks she's sexy. She isn't.

Kyle thinks he's sexy. He's not. Just stupid.

Kyle Rayner owns a Shakira CD. Two, in fact. Fijacion Oral, Vol. 1 & Oral Fixation, Vol. 2. Shakira is part of the soundtrack that goes through Kyle Rayner's mind. He plays it all the time.

You wouldn't want Kyle Rayner for a roommate. Now, Bruce Wayne? Maybe. Quiet guy. Gone for most of the night and sleeps all day. Plus, if he did play any music, it might be Nat King Cole.

Just a thought.

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Collective Works Of Superman


I just finished reading Superman Archives, Vol. 1 and I really, really enjoyed it. I never realized it before but Superman used to be like this crazy post New Deal, Socialist bastard. When the rich were making millions by exposing their workers to unsafe working conditions, there was Superman, not even bothering to get into costume, ready, willing and able to expose their dirty truths to the world. If he had to lure them down into a coalmine and to their deaths to prove that he meant business...

Oh, well...

When orphans were being underfed and made to work long hours by a state sponsored orphanage, Clark Kent was there to expose its' injustices to the world. Superman was there to make sure it never happened again.

In one story, Superman even joins a foreign army in order to track down a crooked arms dealer, following him all the way to the battlelines. At the story's end, Supeman even coerces a cease-fire between the two warring factions by threatening to beat up the countries two leaders.

I like this Superman. Superman Archives Volume 1 was a true eye-opener, leading me to believe the Superman of old would actually side with Wonder Woman, not oppose her.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Thor's Comic Column


Why nothing on "Seven Hells!" today? Why, because I was in the service of CHUD: Thor's Comic Column, to be exact. We're back with our "Best of 2005" and what is that?!? An actual Marvel comic on Devon's list?!?

Watch as Devon's less DC-centric side crushes your very soul over at Thor's Comic Column!

Friday, January 06, 2006

My Week In Review


Bat Lash
Originally uploaded by Devon Sanders.
DC Comics created The Metrosexual. Heck, it says so on the cover of Jonah Hex #3. It takes a hell of a man to wear a satin vest around someone like Jonah Hex. Bat Lash is one hell of a man.

A customer told me I sound like Denzel Washington. I'll take that.

Scip now knows that I do a pretty mean Phil LeMar impersonation. I will have to kill him.

Women customers like to hug me. I always look like I need one. I'll tell you a secret. I only act like I hate it. I don't like dudes hugging me. That's canon.

One of my customers told me Bill O'Reilly has some good ideas. I pointed out that Ra's al Ghul does too until he gets to the "killing 90-some percent of the population" part.

My customers love me. One customer brought me a cake, another brownies. I kinda felt like the Baby Jesus.

This week I learned Scip was a Navy SEAL. I don't know about that. He might be able to balance a ball on his nose, though.

Instead of asking yourself, "What would Superman do?" Ask yourself, "What would Wildcat do?" You'll wake up much happier that way.

I leave you with these words:

"Blame Wildcat."

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Ummmm.....


Birds Of Prey
Originally uploaded by Devon Sanders.
Apparently, this is, like, Birds of Prey: The Exploration Years or something.

This panel is almost as fascinating as one of those R. Kelley "Trapped In The Closet" videos.

No.

This is, by far, more fascinating.

Huntress, Black Canary... would you like to tell us something?

No? We'll just move along then.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Will I Come With a Basketball?


JLU Purse
Originally uploaded by Devon Sanders.
While at work the other day, I sold a lovely young lady a Supergirl action figure and I felt quite good.

As I prepared to put it in a bag for her, something caught my mahoghany eye. Earlier, one of my customers had noted that her cousin Superman came with the most kick-ass accessory of all-time...

A "Black Mercy." For those who don't know The Black Mercy was the plant Mongul used to ensnare Superman in one of comics' best stories of all-time, "For The Man Who Has Everything," later turned into an episode of the Justice League Unlimited cartoon series.

Brilliant. I was sold. My only thought was "I would have lost my frickin' mind if this came with my Super Powers Superman."

Now, with Supergirl, what do you put with the girl who bends steel in her bare hands?

A metal purse.

Damn.

Damn... until you ask yourself the question: "Did the purse help sell the girl on Supergirl or did Supergirl sell the little girl on Supergirl?"


Is it Mattel, the makers of Barbie and The Justice League Unlimited line knowing exactly what to do in order to sell a Supergirl figure or is it just Devon being Devon, making something of nothing.

Tell me.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

"Seven Hells!": The Year End Issue!

2005 was a great year to be a blogger. Writing this blog has been nothing short of sheer joy as the people who comment here have brought just as much to it as any post I could have written. That said, it's on to The Awards...

My Sincerest "Thank You" Award goes to:

My editor at Thor's Comic Column, Sean Fahey, for making me write after a ten-year absence, got me to love comics again and who after my mother died, helped me get back on the horse, so to speak. My boss and very good friend, Scip Garling who remembers that Wildcat, while rough around the edges, is JSA, all-the-way... and to my customers at BMC for feeding me.

G.


The "It's Got Chase In It For God's Sake!" Award
goes to:

Manhunter. It's got it all. A great writer in Marc Andreyko and a great artist in Javier Pina. Manhunter is a diamond flecked with bits of coal. The only thing it had been missing is some kind of direct legacy tie to a major DC character and as of issue 17, that was definitely been taken care of in a VERY big way.

The "Well, I Didn't See That Coming." Award:

Blue Beetle becoming a major player in death.

Honorable Mentions: Judd Winick's run on Batman has been nothing short of great. Lightyears ahead, in terms of characterization, of the overrated Loeb/Lee Batman run of three years ago. Artist Doug Mahnke's is simply the most underappreciated penciller in comics. This is one of the comics I put on top of my comics stack in order to read first.

Jonah Hex. I'm reading a Jonah Hex comic in The 21st century. Damn.

A Comics Retailer's Pet Peeve of 2005 Award goes to:

Comic creators who go on-line and suck at one store's teet as if that store were the exclusive carrier of their comic. More than one store helps put money in your pocket, thank you.

The "Listen To Me, I'm Wrong" Award goes to:

Devon Vincent Sanders of "Seven Hells!" for this magnificent post. I apologize.

The "Listen To Me, I'm Right" Award also goes to:

Me, for staying up for 24 hours, licking the toads and bathing buck-naked in cat urine in order to bring you this one whole year before any one else would.

"Seven Hells'!" Pet Peeve of 2005 Award goes to:

Commenters who come onto your blog just to start shit. Listen, it's my party and I'll dance how I wanna dance. I don't have to argue here. You wanna slam-dance, set up your own blog and do it there. Not here. I created "Seven Hells!" to be a place for discussion and above all, fun. If you can't help me do that, well...there's always The DC Comics Message Boards. Good luck having a "discussion" there.

Best Blog of late 2005: Ragnell's The Written World. Sometimes, I actually like to think.

Finally, the moment you've been waiting for...

Blog of Year: 2005 saw the creation of many an excellent comics blog. Among them, the infrequent but nonetheless, excellent So So Silver Age, the mighty, invincible, uncanny Dave's Longbox and the coming of the patron saint of female comics bloggers, Scip Garling's The Absorbascon. Comics were reviewed and skewered with Khan-like wrath by the kids over at Two Guys Buying Comics. In 2005, in terms of sheer quality output, no blog came close to matching the always energetic Mike Sterling's Progressive Ruin, but in 2005, amongst the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, one man stepped forward and provided America with exactly what was needed in a time of crisis:

Boobs.

David Campbell of Dave's Long Box, you are a true patriot and winner of "Seven Hells!" Blog of The Year Award!!!!

Step forward and receive your award of five warm cans of Milwaukee's Best. (I drank one.)

David Campbell, know this...

The world is watching you now. Make us proud, young man.