Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Kyle Rayner: ADULT!

This may be the most incredible Kyle Rayner panel EVER...

...Kyle Rayner, surrounded by mechanical dolphins with a bomb between his legs. Your duty...

Caption it.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Chaykin-itis

Friends, I come to alert you to a serious threat plaguing DC's superheroines. A silent menace, it strikes on a monthly basis, afflicting one in every one of its heroines. It is...

CHAYKIN-ITIS.

No one knows its cause and as yet, there is no cure but the syptoms of Chaykin-itis are easy to recognize.
The need to stand as if you've suddenly discovered you've grown an 18" manhood.

Feelings of cold and excitability even within St. Roch's sweltering heat. Jennifer Aniston shows symptoms of this as well despite DC's not publishing a Jennifer Aniston comic book.

An obsessive need to slather one's self with lip gloss before fighting crime.

Constant gritting of the teeth in order to show determination along with your freshly whitened teeth.

Do not despair. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Your Chaykin-itis (hyper-sexualization) will last only as long as Howard Chaykin... or Frank Miller's stay on your title.

Sadly, I still choose to wallow in your misery.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Kyle Rayner: ADULT!


There once was a boy named Kyle,
Who took his friends upon a green mile...

Despite Devon adding "ADULT!" amongst his many labels...
Kyle was the only one smart enough to match wits with The Queen Of Fables.

For this crisis, Kyle knew exactly what to do,
He went all "queer" forgetting his power of "woo."

The princess was awakened with the prince's kiss,
Leaving Kyle upstaged by a man who smells of fish.

Do not fear! The day was won,
another edition of Kyle Rayner: ADULT!...
done.

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Pink Section


I've been reading this young lady's blog alot lately. Interesting things going on over there.

Today, I come at you as a man who runs a comic book shop. I have come to tell you that despite our collective best efforts...

WOMEN READ COMICS!!!

Not just that "big-eyed- boys-flirting-with boys-Manga" stuff that many a comic book stores thinks make the gals go crazy for the comics. No, my feminine clientele they like...y'know... comics. Comics like...

100 Bullets. Birds of Prey. Loveless. Jonah Hex. Manhunter. Street Angel. Red Sonja. Hellblazer.

You know, well-written, well-drawn comics.

"Wha...?" "HUH?!? How did this happen?" I'll tell you how this happened. They make it happen. Everyday. I help it along by saying "Hi." as they walk through my door. Regardless of whether or not, they walk through the door first or behind their "boyfriends." I find saying that puts people at ease and all that.

I find that if you stock a store with variety, women manage to find their own way to what's good. Me? I just get out of the way. I found the ladies, they don't like "girl ghettos." You know, the corners where Manga trades are kept. They weren't selling at my store so we got rid of the Manga, freeing up more money for other things like... comics.

I find that women will ask for help if they need it. When they do ask, ask them what they like to read. Don't go into "girl/comics" mode and start dragging her to the "Vertigo: Sandman and Y: The Last Man" section. They're fine books but not required reading for all "girls." Retailers, please stop creating "PINK" sections.

Instead, do something revolutionary. Ask her what she likes to read. If it sounds anything like Jonah Hex, do something revolutionary. Look her in the eyes, like you would, say a man and ask, "Have you read Jonah Hex?" Women are incredible. They have the ability to shock you.

If they don't like the suggestion, don't act like she turned you down for the prom. Move on to the next suggestion.

You want a woman to read a comic? Do something revolutionary. Respect her. Don't put her in the box, you, not the comics publisher created for her. Look her in the eyes, speak to her and treat the lady as if she has balls. In other words, treat her as you would anyone else.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Kyle Rayner: ADULT!

I don't know about you...

...but I think...


...these two should...


... just express their feelings for one another so they can move onto the next phase in their relationship.

Wonder Woman thinks so too. Aquaman, stop staring!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Great Curve's Top 50 DC Universe Characters

Tom at The Great Curve has posed an interesting question to the blogosphere, "Who are DC's 50 Greatest Characters?"

While putting together the list, two things surprised me:

One: How quickly it all came together and two, exact it all felt in its completion so, enjoy!

1. Batman (He sacrifices his nights to bring about better days. That's deep.)
2. Joker (The quintessential antagonist.)
3. Gotham City (Gotham City is a character in The DCU. Don't believe me? Can you imagine Batman in any place but?)
4. Superman
5. Jonah Hex (Just the idea of this guy holding the line until DC's "Golden Age." is ASTOUNDING to me.)
6. Lex Luthor ("Gets" Superman)
7. Wonder Woman
8. Wildcat (His power? He'll hit you. Hard.)
9. Hawkman (See above.)
10. Flash (Jay Garrick) (Morality walking upright.)
11. Kyle Rayner (He ain't the sharpest tool in the shed but his heart will always be in the right place.)
12. Robin (Tim Drake) ("The" Robin)
13. Oracle (Reinvention done right.)
14. Sgt. Rock (I won't read him but just knowing he's out there fighting in The DCU is a comfort.)
15. Johnny Thunder's Thunderbolt (Just one of those visuals that makes the DCU a wonderful place in which to sightsee.)
16. Aquaman (DC's first character to "grow up." He became a father, a husband.)
17. Lois Lane
18. Martian Manhunter (He's a nice Justice League accessory. He completes the ensemble, so to speak.)
19. Shazam! (Captain Marvel)
20. Black Adam (Brings new shades of gray area to The DCU with every appearance.)
21. Power Girl
22. Harley Quinn (The only character to EVER make me cry.)
23. The Question
24. Darkseid (Darkseid IS. He shows up and the stakes are instantly raised.)
25. The Riddler (Writers stray away from writing him because he's supposed to be written as smarter than the writer. Don't wanna be exposed as a bad writer? Stay away from The Riddler.)
26.The Creeper
27. Black Manta
28. Zatanna
29. Aquagirl (Lorena) (How could you not love a girl who fights crime in hip-hugger shorts, Keds, a tank-top and tube socks and then matter-of-factly tells The King of 70% of The Earth, "I'm the new Aquagirl.")
30. Black Lightning (He's just cool. He's the guy you wish your dad could be.)
31. Dolphin (How could you not love her? As Scip said, "She's a literal wet dream.")
32.The Spoiler (She deserved better.)
33. Mr. Miracle (Everything about this guy screams, "CONCEPT SHOULD NOT WORK!" Ugly costume, cheesy gimmick, but there's something about how much he loves his woman, Big Barda, that just gets you "right there," y'know?)
34. Big Barda (She fights as hard as she loves, man.)
35. Mr. Terrific (Michael Holt) (He's what I want to be when I grow up.)
36. Catwoman
37. Orion (The Hunger Dog. "Nature vs Nurture" kicks ass!)

By the way, look for Kyle Rayner: Adult! tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Wednesday Wackiness


Today, I put my fist through a window. I had a good reason. My boss OK'ed it. It was for a worthy cause.

It needed to be done.

Needless to say, I discovered why Wildcat tapes up his hands before hitting something.

OUCH!!!


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

$35.88


While reading Newsarama yesterday, guess which part of this article caught my beady little eye:

"Asked what DC book they aren't writing that they would love to write, Geoff Johns said he wants write Nightwing."

Oh, crap. Please let that happen. I need for this to happen. I'm losing Manhunter and I'm missing Nightwing already.

I need for this to happen so... I've decided to do something about it.

DC, if Geoff Johns says he wants to write Nightwing, then let the man write Nightwing. So today, I'm sending an e-mail to Nightwing's editor (Nachie Castro is Nightwing's editor, by the way) and asking him to look into making this happen along with my commitment to buying at least one year's worth of a Geoff Johns (or soomeone's) written Nightwing.

OK, let me change that. I'll commit to one year of almost anyone but Mr. Jones' Nightwing. Robin's Adam Beechen would be wonderful. Just... someone else.

So to all of Nightwing's fans I say this to you: money talks, b.s. walks. If you think one of comics' greatest creations deserves better than what he's been getting lately, write. Put your money where your mouth is. Let someone who can do something about it know.

Listen, I'm not trying to be pushy but I involuntarily stopped reading Nightwing. I wanna come back and I'm willing to pay the cost to do so. I'm gonna spend it somewhere. Why not Nightwing?

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Good Fight, Lost

Manhunter 2004-2006

I'm beginning to think anything with the character Chase in it is destined to be cursed with cancellation. Needless to say, I'm going to miss this title. It's true draw for me was this incredibly flawed character. Kate Spencer smoked, she cursed and never had enough time for her kid but with that writer Marc Andreyko, made these her greatest assets. She was not perfect. You could see her working. You could see her putting in the work. In this polished DC Universe, she was a breath of fresh air. Marc Andreyko gave us a woman who sometimes acted like a broad but always, always was a lady. She was beautiful in her imperfection.

DC, I beg of you, let her story continue. Somewhere. Anywhere. She'd be brilliant in Checkmate. She'd be wonderful in Justice Society of America.

In a universe where characters shine 24/7, we need a character who isn't afraid to get some dirt under her fingernails. The good fight could always use someone like her.

Friday, May 12, 2006

It's "DC" Good!

Marvel has a new comic called "Agents of Atlas" coming soon. It's about 5 Golden Age heroes who held the line between the disappearance of Captain America and the emergence of The Fantastic Four.

This line from this interview on Comic Book Resources made me laugh out loud:

"We were both looking at the cover online and he started giving me this 'Doom Patrol' meets 'JSA' take - which was spot on."

You know your comic might be good when your Marvel editor looks at the book he's working on and thinks it's good enough for The DC Universe.

Friday Night Fights

Who wins?

Dogwelder with a Kryptonite blowtorch or...

Mamafrakkin' Krypto The Superdog with "super-rip-your-jugular-out" powers?

Discuss.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Leap. Angst. Repeat.


It happened. After the purchase of 119 issues, 796 artistic changes, a really "ghetto" Sopranos schtick & his rooftop rape, I just could not bring myself to pick up this month's Nightwing #120.

I blame Scip. Never has anyone nailed anything so on the head. I feel as though a fog has been lifted. The problem with Nightwing is "Nightwing."

Leap. Angst. *repeat* Leap. Angst. *repeat*

Sound familar? Dick Grayson, that boy who danced across giant typewriters, has become a joyless bitch of a man. Lately, Nightwing seems to be channeling his inner Spider-Man.

I thought one of the ideas behind Infinite Crisis was to shine some light on Dick Grayson, return him to greatness, let him feel some warmth on his face again. So far, all I've seen him do is lay down with the first woman who flashes him some red & lets Jason Todd piss on his legacy as Robin & Nightwing.

Look, I realize that Dick Grayson is a man but part of being a man is remembering what it is to laugh. That means remembering what it was like to be Robin. We're getting too much of this: Nightwing, fighting a gang of thugs in a shopping mall, reciting inane inner monologue.

*bleh*

What should happen: Nightwing, fighting a gang of thugs in a shopping mall, somersaults in smiling, kicking ass & looking for the biggest prop he can bound from... and well, the comic should write itself from there.

When that guy shows up in a Nightwing comic, someone please, let me know. I know it'll be safe to come out again.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Everything In Its Right Place

Random thoughts on zeitgeist:

Iron Man, created in March of 1963. After a piece of shrapnel lodged near his heart, millionaire industrialist Tony Stark created a superpowered suit of armor to keep his heart beating. Stark went on to adventure as The Invincible Iron Man and co-founded The Avengers.

If he were created for DC, in a different place & time:

Iron Man, created in May of 1976 in DC's now defunct 1st Issue Special #14. After a piece of shrapnel lodged near his heart, millionaire industrialist Tony Stark created a superpowered suit of armor to keep his heart beating. 1st Issue Special #14 was The Invincible Iron Man's first and last DC appearance.

[Ed. Note] It was pointed out to me today that Tony Stark recently returned in Crisis Aftermath: The Battle For Bludhaven #3 as a member of The Atomic Knights.


Ted (Wildcat) Grant, created in 1942, was inspired to become a superhero by following the exploits of Alan Scott, The original Green Lantern. Ted Grant went on to become a founding member of the pre-eminent super-team, The Justice Society of America. Wildcat has since gone on to train some of The DCU's greatest fighters (Batman, Black Canary, Catwoman & most of The JSA) in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

If he were created for Marvel, in a different place & time:

Ted (Wildcat) Grant created in 1969, was inspired to become a superhero by following the exploits of Thomas Halloway, The original Angel. Ted Grant only had the one adventure and hasn't been seen since.

[Ed. Note] It was pointed out that Ted Grant was recently brought back by Brian Michael Bendis in the pages of Daredevil as a former opponent of Daredevil's father, ex-heavyweight boxer, Battlin' Jack Murdock. It was revealed that Grant went on to become a henchman for The Kingpin. Grant was recently found dead after snorting MGH off of a hooker's hindquarters. The hooker is still at-large.


Thursday, May 04, 2006

Kyle Rayner: ADULT!

Did you know that Kyle was a Teen Titan? Was he there as a mentor? Was he there, as Cyborg is now, as an elder staesman, imparting knowledge upon DC's next generation of superhero?

Umm... no. Twenty-something Kyle was simply just a Teen Titan. Kinda fascinatingly skeevy, Kyle. Would your middle name happen to be "Wooderson", as well?

Also, did you know that Bart Allen, formerly known as Impulse and currently known as... Bart Allen, served a brief tour as a Teen Titan in the mid-90's. No? Well, how else could a scene like this have happened...

Yes, people. That is Impulse, the superhero poster child for irresponsibility, imparting upon an adult the importance of personal responsibility.

You may die now.

You have seen everything.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Hello? Blogosphere...?


Devon (dialing) : "I'm calling because I'd like to reserve this space for a "flame war."

Blogosphere (answering) : "And what would be the nature of this "flame war" of yours."

Devon: "Oh, it's not my "flame war," per se but, it's gonna happen anyway so, I figure why not let it happen here at "Seven Hells!"

Blogosphere: "Again, sir. What would be the nat..."

Devon: "Oh, yeah. I just peeked at the ending of Outsiders #36. The blogosphere's gonna go Gorilla Grodd/apesh*t crazy!!!"

Blogosphere: "Over Outsiders #36? I don't see..."

Devon: "Judd Winick grabbed for the Pope's balls."

Blogosphere: "Wha...?!?

Devon (hanging up, giggling his ass off) : *click*

Duh!

It just occured to me that the first gay heroine to headline a DC Comic won't be Batwoman.

Monday, May 01, 2006

LORHP

In Aztek, it was revealed every Justice Leaguer swears an oath to uphold the ideals of truth & justice upon the cloak of the DCU's original mystery-man, The Crimson Avenger. Today, brothers & sisters, we have been given a symbol of our own.

I read comics for the symbolism and the iconography. Nothing says, "I'm one of the good guys" more than this.

Nothing says strength more than that.

A few months, a new symbol revealed itself onto The DC Universe. A symbol encompassing, in its' simplicity, all the passion many-a-blogger has for The DCU. Scip has revealed unto us...
THE LOYAL ORDER OF THE ROLLING HEAD OF PANTHA.
NOTHING say "DC" more than that.

Brothers & sisters of the blogosphere, I implore you. If you have a DC-centric blog, join "The Loyal Order of The Rolling Head of Pantha." Let it shine as beacon to other DC Comics fans.
Let "THE LOYAL ORDER OF THE ROLLING HEAD OF PANTHA" become their safeword into the sweet release that is The DC Universe.