"Seven Hells!"

The "Seven Hells!" Archives

2008-04-09T21:17:00.001-07:00

"SEVEN HELLS!"

Electrifying boobs everywhere since since April 11th, 2004.

So...

2008-01-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

Where'd I go?

Nowhere. I've found it is incredibly hard to blog without a computer. My laptop, the old trusty steed that brought you things like, "All-Out Living With The Viking Commando" and "Lady Cop Week" has finally gone evil and went bad and did me dirty.

So where does that leave you, the extremely loyal and patient Seven Hellion.

Well, for now, it leaves you reading a book or taking a walk or watching PBS.

Laptops are expensive and so's rent and food and dancing lessons and pyrotechnics for each time I enter a new room.

So, until The Laptop Fairy blesses this kid...

In short, I'll be back soon. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.

Rack Raid's Best of 2007

2008-01-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

The fine folks over at Rack Raids were kind enough to ask "Yours Truly" for a Fave 5's of 2007.

What struck me the most about everyone's picks was the absolute lack of "event" books.

No Countdown anything, no "X" events, no events that would "change everything you know about (_____)."

Just comics that, at the end of the day, we all enjoyed.

If you read one more "Best Of..." list, let the kids' over at Rack Raids be that one!

Dignity In Satin: Part Four

2008-01-05T23:10:00.000-08:00

PART FOUR:

"If I let my child out into this world, will they be safe?"

This is the thought that runs through the mind of every good parent. This is the same thought running through Queen Hippolyta’s mind at any given moment and Wonder Woman, as a daughter, knows this. Diana, unlike her comrades-in-arms Batman and Superman, was born not out of sacrifice but of a mother’s desire to love.

Diana was raised in an Amazonian society where everyone was taught to respect the uniqueness of the individual. Like her Amazonian sisters, she was blessed with immortality. As Diana, she was born the last of the Amazons. As Diana, she knows having family is also a blessing. As someone blessed with immortality, she’s come to respect and understand the short, mercurial nature of the human life. Wonder Woman, herself a stranger in a strange land, as she probably sees it, there is no better way to honor human life than her to do so with dignity.

As swiftly as the power of Mercury makes things possible.

As efficiently as the wisdom of Athena will allow.

In her protecting the lives of others, there is no greater show of love and respect to the lessons taught her by her mother.

Wonder Woman is what most heroes strive to be. Their mother’s child, strong, proud and assured, ultimately making her the most human of heroes.

Wonder Woman displays a mental clarity that other heroes simply seem to lack. She is simply comics’ most self-possessed super-hero. She believes in herself. She believes in her mission. She believes that every experience she’s ever had has brought her to this day. In this, she commands the respect of others. Wonder Woman once in motion, she is confidence personified.

Wonder Woman is "us," out there. Out there making the best of a world we don't wholly understand, applying the lessons handed down, good or bad.

Lately, I find it much, much harder to give my time and money to "genius" teenagers who clumsily walk headfirst into unshielded radioactive danger. Sure, characters of that kind will always occupy the avenues of my heart zoned and named "Mainly" and "Nostalgia," but these days, I need my heroes to be something more than the by-products of radioactive ignorance. I need for them to be heroes in the truest sense of the word. As a grown man, I need them to be brave, strong, and self-reliant.

In writing that last line, I’ve come to realize that the majority of comic book characters should act more like Wonder Woman.

Thirty-plus years ago, I saw dignity take form in satin.

Today, I believe I’ve been made a better man for it.

Dignity In Satin: Part Three

2008-01-03T22:55:00.000-08:00

PART THREE:

To be a Black man in this world is to know that with almost every new room you walk into, you will be upon sight sized up, scrutinized and possibly underestimated. I can’t say for certain but I have always imagined this to be a bit of what it is to be a woman.

Wonder Woman is the voice of the underestimated.

Wonder Woman, with every new room she walks into, imparts upon those around her the greatest of gifts: the understanding of dignity. In that, she stands apart from her super-hero brethren.

This character was decidedly born of wonder. In that, she is made unique. She came to, as she called it, "Patriarch’s World" (The United States) fully realized. With a mission. The world had need and Diana answered its call. How could she have done otherwise? She was the absolute of the gods, the greatest of their gifts.

With her ability to wrestle super-powered despots with her bare hands in fields of battle, the world bestowed upon her a new title, one she was who could practically lay claim to godhood, surely never would have chosen for herself. That name became her. She became the name. She became Wonder Woman.

Later on, in the field of government, as Themyscira’s sole ambassador and by utilizing Athena’s gift of wisdom, she would come to wrestle down despots through the conviction found in her words and manner. She became a champion of just causes, giving voice to those who’d had theirs quieted. In doing so, she further proved the name of Wonder Woman, to be one well-deserved.

With the power of the gods her birthright, a wonderful by-product emerged. In her choice of mission, she discovered her greatest ability: compassion.

And that I think is the key to understanding Wonder Woman. She, as a character and as an icon, in a philosophical or physical fight, would probably be the first name to leap, alliteratively, from the mouths of the heroic inhabitants of the DC Comics Universe as the one person most would want on their side in a time of crisis. In battle, you simply need someone who cares. A diplomat willing to find common ground with the opposition. A warrior brave enough to fire the first warning shot. A leader brave enough to back up their play with force, if necessary. Someone not entirely willing to bow simply to the idea of acceptable losses. You need someone willing to want to beat the odds, no matter how grave. Someone who wants everyone who stands at her side to return home to the ones who care for them most. If Wonder Woman should have to crush her enemy beneath her boot heel in order to accomplish this feat... those are the only losses she’s willing to accept.

Her track record doesn’t lie. Many the comics panel has been drawn where in the aftermath of battle, one character stands, head held high, alone and triumphant amongst the ruins of the defeated. Just as surely as Superman bursting out of chains has become comic book iconography. Just as sure as a horned silhouette has become symbolic with Batman, Princess Diana battered yet unbroken and presented as the last (wo)man standing, over the years, has become her very own comic book iconography.

Like any true hero, she strives to make things better. Unlike other heroes, Wonder Woman does not wait for things to get worse.

Dignity In Satin: Part Two

2008-01-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

PART TWO:

Full disclosure: I’ve been reading comics for over thirty years now, through the "up" times of the early 90's speculator boom and the "down" times, where comics are always seemingly on their last legs (which someone in the mainstream media proclaims like, every other year or so) and someone is always asking, "Where is our newest Watchmen?"

Personally, I think the better question to ask should be, "Where can I find more of the moral ambiguity in the comics of my angry youth?" Don’t get it twisted, I love and admire The Watchmen mainly for the spotlight it’s shone on the "super-hero." Yes, The Watchmen certainly had and still has something to say about the time in which it was made. But ultimately, its heroes lack something fundamental to the super-hero aesthetic. In the end (and The Watchmen did have an end), these characters took looked upon themselves and realized their greatest sin.

They failed to inspire.

Therein lies the victory of Wonder Woman. Though a warrior, Wonder Woman has no battle cry. When the mission foremost in your mind is to uplift, compel, and inspire, one needs not cry out in battle. Instead, if she must. she cries out for those who cannot. She will stand for dignity.

In Gotham City, a child had to kneel in a pool of his parents’ blood in order to find a purpose. This child would eventually become one with the night, becoming a Dark Knight, the Batman. Years before, a rocket, carrying an infant, slammed into a Kansas cornfield and all anyone could do was hope for the best. That child would later become the greatest of all heroes, a man of steel. He would become Superman. On the fictional Greek island of Themyscira, home to the Amazons, Wonder Woman’s mother, Queen Hippolyta prayed to the Greek gods of old and received one of their greatest gifts, a daughter. Where other heroes lives were born of death, this princess’ was born of life. She was later named Diana, after the goddess of the moon and hunt. This child had the blessing of swiftness bestowed upon her by the god Mercury. She was blessed with a loving heart by Aphrodite. By Athena she was blessed with wisdom. Above all, this was the greatest of her gifts. One, ultimately, defining her in ways lifting a tank over her head never could.

True, I will never know the thrill of holding a tank over my head, yet I still can identify with this character.

I will probably never inherit a vast fortune in order to wage a one-man war on crime.

I have never crash landed in a Kansas cornfield, surviving it in order to discover I have powers beneficial to mankind.

I can identify with Wonder Woman more than any other superhero for two simple reasons.

Like Wonder Woman was raised by a single mother.
I was raised with conviction.
I have been underestimated.

Dignity In Satin: Part One

2007-12-31T14:26:00.000-08:00

For a change of pace, I thought I'd give you over the week, the loyal Seven Hellion, something I was supposed to be paid for free.

In 2006, I was contacted about contributing to a Wonder Woman anthology but like most things literary, it never came to be. "No Wonder Woman movie, no anthology," they said so instead of letting it go to waste, sitting in an untitled folder...

Here you go.

PART ONE:

1975 was the year my skull exploded.

On the whole, I can’t recall 1975 all that well. I was only three years old at the time. I am, though, fairly certain that I was probably wrestling with the dilemmas presented to much of America’s three-year-olds. For one, I was probably trying to get that whole "too-cool-for-pre-school" thing down to a funky science. For another, I was probably very much trying to not think of my nose as a thing of play, barring that, how I could actively work it into next year’s "America’s Bicentennial" celebrations. You know, just to give the family something to talk about in their golden years and, well, because I was nothing if not a patriot.

Again, I don’t remember much about 1975 but I am fairly certain that it was the year that my little life changed -- completely. At least I assume it did because, again, I don’t recall much about 1975, but I do know this: my little skull exploded. In 1975, something beautiful was unwittingly (or was it wittingly?) set into motion. Something I, to this day, am only just beginning to somewhat comprehend some thirty-plus years later. I didn’t know it but I’d found ... love . I have not, nor do I care to find a way out to the other side.

In 1975, my mother plopped me down in front of a television, introducing me to Lynda Carter and to Wonder Woman. I was quietly mesmerized sitting there, bathed in the grayish glow of our black-and-white television.

Who was this...this...person? Why was she doing this to me? Why was she making me hang on her every word? Why did Lynda Carter’s portrayal of Wonder Woman have to be so damned... different?

Who gave the character Wonder Woman, this White princess from a fictional utopia, dressed in a star-spangled bikini come to me, a smallish Black child living in urban Washington, D.C., permission to come through my television and seemingly speak only to me? Who let her into my house? Who let her into my heart?

Despite our obvious and vast differences, there was something there. Something I could barely wrap my head around. It spoke to me. There she was, Ms. Lynda Carter, dressed up in a bathing suit, high-heeled boots and a golden rope, smiling (God, that smile!) all the while. She should have looked ridiculous but, of course, she didn’t. She looked regal, elegant. How was she pulling this nearly superhuman feat off? I didn’t know it at the time, but it was so simple – even though but many others in her position failed to comprehend... ..

Lynda Carter knew what many others did not. Superman’s "S" sells itself. As difficult as it may be to believe, it is easy to cloak oneself in "Bat Shark Repellent" and let the moment speak for itself. Lynda Carter found Wonder Woman’s core and let it shine for everyone to see. If the Wonder Woman were to survive, Ms. Carter had to bring to the role that one divine thing women seem to have in greater supply than most men: dignity.

Now, I’m sure, that I was somewhat aware of the concept of the super-hero. To be a super-hero one had to have a costume, powers, or a little boy like the one that Batman had on the tv show... and so yes, dignity had to be in their somewhere, right? Because they were guys, guys who, I guessed, had dignity. Up to this point, I assumed that all anyone had to have to play one of these "supermen" was:

• Show a willingness to puff out one’s chest at the first sign of trouble.

• The putting of fists on one’s hips while spouting ludicrous dialogue at the second sign of trouble.

• Take yourself and not the character way too seriously.

• Don’t ever forget you’re a "serious" actor, after all.

• Above all, be eager enough to earn one’s pay as a serious actor while wearing satin briefs.

In watching that first episode of Wonder Woman, I was taught more about gender equality than any lecture I ever could have sat in at anyone’s school. In Lynda Carter’s first episode, I found out that women, unlike men, are elegant in satin briefs. In satin, I glimpsed dignity.

"Who Is She? Where Did She Come From?"

2007-12-27T05:58:00.000-08:00

*sigh*... Yvonne Craig's Batgirl. You never forget your first crush.

I Miss The Alleys.

2007-12-27T04:15:00.000-08:00

The other day I was walking past an alley and what I saw gave me pause.

Was a mugging taking place?

An over-large gathering of rats?

Was it a drug deal going bad?

Was it someone being chased down into the alley?

No.

There were people at this party, hanging out, smiling and drinking wine...

...in an alley.

Hanging out. Smiling. Drinking wine. In an alley.

This city's gone to sh*t.

The economic infrastructure of Washington, DC and with that change comes gentrification. A side effect of that is that, some have demanded that our local city services improve. Trash collected in a more timely manner. Snow removed almost as soon as it hits the ground.

I wish you could have seen this thing. It had been repaved. It had been redone to look like the city sidewalks. It looked inviting.

It looked like a trap.

The people who owned the property overlooking it, had hung potted plants. Balconies had been added so that its occupants could enjoy a scenic view of said alley.

Garbage. None could be found other than in my exclamation.

What happened to the alley?

When I was growing up, the alley was something to be feared and respected. The alley was the place where the things your momma didn't want you to get into happened.

The alley was the place where only the rats, pushers, junkies and trash collectors dared enter.

The alley was a place where Peter Parker could leave Spider-Man behind.

The alley was a place where people who took shortcuts got cut short.

The alley was no place to wear pearls and take the family.

The alley was never any place I ever wanted to be on a Friday night. I respect the implied threat.

The alley was a place where bad things happened to people, good and bad. I guess I should be happy that people feel as though the city is safe enough to hang out in Martha Stewart-esque alleyways but what gets me is the lack of respect.

A certain lack of respect for the city. A certain loss of what had come before.

A certain lack of appreciation of just how far this city has come.

I miss the alleys, on purpose and out of respect.

Buying Comics

2007-12-24T06:21:00.000-08:00

It didn't occur to me until yesterday, I hadn't read a comic book in nearly two weeks.

It was freeing.

Comics. They aren't my whole day anymore.

Yesterday, I made my way to Fantom Comics (Good people there) and looked at the racks and something interesting happened. I looked at them as a fan. Not as a retailer, as a fan.

I didn't look at their racks and wonder how many they ordered or how many they needed to re-order. I didn't have to worry about any of it. They were just there waiting for me.

Me.

I looked at the racks and realized that I didn't have to read anything I didn't want to anymore. I realized wouldn't have to put up with the nonsense I was subjected to in order to do something I loved.

I really wasn't enjoying my comics like I used to.

I had come to regard them as folded pieces of colored paper.

I walked out with 6 comics. No Countdown crossovers, no X-anything, just the things I wanted to read at the time.

I walked out knowing that I was free to be a fan, again.

This Blog Is Mine Again.

2007-12-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

As of today, "Seven Hells!" and I am no longer employed or associated in any way shape or form with Big Monkey Comics or its ownership.

The reasons are many.

It's been a long time coming, in all truth. All I know is that it feels incredible to not have to carry someone else's burdens.

R.I.P. Sean Taylor

2007-11-27T09:50:00.000-08:00

If not of a certain age, you probably don't know what it's like.

To swear allegiance to the Burgundy and Gold.

You'll have no idea why my certain eyes go all wide when Clinton Portis strides big like John Riggins.

What it is to, in the 21st century, look over to the sidelines of FedEx Field and see Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs, the man who led The Redskins to greatness in three different Super Bowls.

Three different Super Bowls in which the city of Washington, DC effectively shut down. Schools closed, government closed and the city collectively cheered its conquering heroes.

Before this, DC schools could only be counted on to close due to lack of funding, lack of snow removal or air conditioning, problems which still plague us til this day.

The next day, we returned to our lives. The ones where we saw way too much. Too much in the way of heartache. Too much in the way of apathy.

For one day, we were kings. No one could say that we were sub-par. In a city where the new norm was to be "out for self," to be a part of the Burgundy and Gold was to know what it was to share in an accomplishment.

You will have no idea what it felt like to watch Redskins QB Doug Williams be the first man who shares your heritage, win it all while doing so with dignity and grace.

In those days, to be a Redskins fan was knowing that you could smile in a Dallas Cowboys fan's face (and DC has many,) big and wide, and they couldn't say sh*t.

With the departure of Coach Gibbs, things became bleak. Players such as Deion Sanders (no relation) came in for the money grab and promptly bounced. Draft picks were wasted and for years, we watched a revolving door of wash-outs come and go. I stopped remembering the names that went along with jersey number. For me, the era of "Redskins Football" had come and gone. I learned to live with it. I learned to live with disappointment.

2004, a young man dons the Redskins uniform. He hits like a hammer, recalling Redskins days of yore. He makes one forget about guys like LaVar Arrington, who claim to want to return The 'Skins to their days of glory, all the while, missing tackles left and right.

This young man hits and literally spits. He's quiet, letting his actions do all the talking for him.
Opposing helmets fly when he's on the field.

He has his troubles off the field but over time, those troubles became nonexistent as he grew into his role as a man.

A few months ago it occured to me. He changed his number.

21.

21, the age of "man."

He was fallible. He defended his house(s).

For Redskins fans who remembered a certain type of football , he was our man.

In the end and most importantly, he realized everything he could be. He died a father. He died a man.

Saturday Evening Post: Little Wing

2007-11-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Obsidian And The Comics We See In Our Mind

2007-11-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

When Geoff Johns installed Obsidian into The Justice Society of America, the blogosphere, once again, was somwhat unhappy.

Why? JSofA writer Geoff Johns, inexplicably threw out his playbook and suddenly became a bad person/writer and decided to ignore Obsidian's sexuality, making him The JSofA Headquarters' "security guard."

He put the stealth character in the background. Entrusting him to protect their collective history and be its first line of defense. Didn't Johns know he was allowed to explore Obsidian's sexuality?

After everything writer Marc Andreyko had done for him in the pages of Manhunter. Andreyko was the one who put Andreyko in a stable relationship. Andreyko gave him a circle of friends who accepted him for everything he was, is and could be. Andreyko made you think of him as a person.

Todd.

Todd Rice, Obsidian. A good man, who smiled easily.

Todd Rice, son of Alan Scott, the original Green Lantern.

Todd Rice, brother of Jennie-Lyn Hayden, Jade.

Yes, Andreyko did all of this.

He installed this "anomaly" into his being.

Now, when use "anomaly," I, in no way, mean to suggest that his sexuality is anomalous. It is a part of him and should be honored.

The anomaly lies in his portrayal as being well-adjusted. Obsidian has always been, let us say, "unique" in his actions.

From his father, he inherited his powers and the desire to use them for good. From his mother, he inherited mental illness. He's always tried to find balance and in Manhunter, he found it. I was truly happy for the character.

Now, we go to the comics we see in our minds: with Obsidian's inclusion in The JSofA, many thought the threads laid down in Manhunter would be re-visited in JSofA. We'd get Todd, maybe his partner, Damon, would stop by for a visit with his father-in-law. Hell, maybe Hawkman would even walk by and the jokes would ensue.

No, what happened was Johns put the character of Obsidian literally into the background's tapestry.

The comic we saw in our head where Todd was a well-adjusted JSofA'er never came...and the internet lost a little bit of its collective sh*t.

Jump forward a few months to Justice Society of America #10 to a scene within a locked room containing a man removed, a man of steel, a Superman.

A Superman wrestling with the fact that everything he thought he knew may be absolutely wrong.

From The Man of Steel's shadow a voice assures, "They're frightened. Sometimes they get frightened easily. I don't."

Wraithlike, he explains his absence, saying he has been in the future, weaving the Shadowlands of Kingdom Come.

He assures this Superman that he has joined a society, one dedicated to helping, helping a world well worth saving. A world that is trying to become better.

Did I just read a frickin' scene where Obsidian is giving Superman clarity?

With that one scene it became very clear, Obsidian is as creepy as ever, and even better as powerful and well-adjusted, ever.

Best of all, given space, he, as a character, transcended the expectations/limitations of "the comics we saw in our mind" becoming, in my opinion, all the better for it.

Marvel Misses Its Mark

2007-11-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

And the first shot has just been fired across the bow.

What does it mean? I don't know but I think it's a wonderful move on DC's part.

Supposedly, 2008 is due to be a MAJOR year for shake-ups within The DC and Marvel Universes.

The addition of longtime Marvel artist Mark Bagley to the DC talent roster sends a signal that 2008 will definitely be a year for change.

Speculation runs rampant as to whether or not DC intends to reboot a good portion of its universe next year and having the first artist to help launch the Ultimate Universe line sends a not-so-subtle message as to where DC may soon be headed with this soon.

Bagley on Batman?

Bagley on Superman?

Doesn't matter. Anywhere he goes, he's more than likely to deliver, on-time and quality-wise.

A good move on DC's part, I think. I honestly can't wait to see where they're headed with this.

My Gog!

2007-11-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

Just got done reading Justice Society of America #10 and after seeing this scene...

Who'd've thunk it, it makes me believe those old Chuck Austen Superman trades...

...just may have some use after all.

Big Monkey Podcast: THE UNTOLD STORY

2007-10-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

Many have stated, "I don't know how you guys continue to keep The Big Monkey Podcast staying so damned awesome! God, I want to have my funny babies with you."

I have miraculously made 21 kids in the past 6 months.

Scip? None.

Now it can be told: what it takes to put together a Big Monkey Podcast.

Like The Justice League, we all don't live in the city. Many of us live on palacial estates overlooking the poverty, crime-stricken cities. At least I do.

Every other Thursday the call goes out. The red phone rings. It's Scip's manservant Paco, telling us it's time to assemble. I remove my smoking jacket and kiss my new wife good-bye, heading to the elevator, leading to my personal underground subway car which leads to Big Monkey Comics, various archery ranges & strip clubs.

Ben, resplendent in jodphurs and after spending the day perusing his steam-powered Information-Scope 20001, is the first to arrive at the store. Ben, having bathed in lilac-scented water and having read a stack of "girl comics" is prepared to moderate that which no sane man would.

Jon Brooks is next to arrive by a dune buggy powered by the sound of a million "Excelsiors!" Brooks is the hardest to corral as his day job as a world renowned voice coach/cicada specialist keeps him busy around the world.

Jon Carey is next, swooping through the window on a silken line, disheveled, gun at the ready. Ben, who has become expert at this point, patches him up, hands him his "medicine," props him in front of a mike and awaits "magic time."

Scip, as always arrives via golden spaceship, fashionably late (tipsy) and complaining of exhaustion, having freshly returned from spending too much time hanging out in various Macy's with new best friend, Tim Gunn. Scip is then led to his special chamber where he is bombarded with his essential "re-vita rays," which we don't have the heart to tell him, is actually just a buffet table with extra heating lamps.

Soon, I arrive. Before the podcast can begin, we lay hands upon a stack of Hot Stuff comics and pledge to uphold "The Blogger's Code," which basically says we'll use spel-chek whenever possible.

Next, the roast pig is brought out and they sup upon its flesh. I don't eat meat. I draw sustenance from the love of my many, many female admirers.

Next, the table is cleared of all debris, the lights are lowered and we sit at our chairs emblazoned with our unique symbols and attuned to our individual bio-rhythms.

Our golden cups raised, we let out a yell.

We are ready...

...AND THAT IS THE BIG MONKEY PODCAST!

A Comic Book Panel

2007-10-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

A comic book panel.

Kudos To...

2007-10-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

JAMAL IGLE!

I've been surprised. I like surprises.

Tomorrow's Teen Titans #52 is being drawn by one of my favorite artists, Jamal Igle.

I had NO idea.

In the "House of Seven Hells!" this man's name on a cover is an easy sell.

Why?

Month in, month out, he's been delivering with quiet reliability.

There's no guessing with this man's artwork. His character's are "on-model." He renders a hand as a hand. His characters express themselves with their hands. A face expresses the writer's full intent. His characters occupy their own space and interact within each others.

Best of all, he's constantly looking for it, a new way to lay out a page, a new way torender a subtle something unique to the way character carries him or herself.

It's a certain something that can't be taught and Igle's art has it in abundance.

Over time, Jamal Igle's become an artist I've come to respect.

His art lets me know exactly what's going on on the page. His art makes me want to turn the page and go back and look at it again.

That's makes for a good comic and Igle does nothing but.

Countdown To...?

2007-10-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

It's taken 24 weeks but I think I'm finally there.

Countdown* has not made an impression on me, at all.

Almost from the first issue this book has been troubled with lackluster art, continuity problems and continuity dependent appearances by Kyle Rayner and The Question (Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps and The Crime Bible, respectively) have had people creators and fans alike, asking if the right hand knows what the left is doing.

Other events such as The Sinestro Corps have eclipsed it in scope and immediacy.

Amazons Attack! did nothing for Countdown but make it feel unnecessary and especially tedious.

Furthermore, as much as I enjoy Countdown's writers Palmiotti, Gray, Bedard, Beechen and McKeever's individual works, they just don't seem to be gelling well as a writing unit.

These are very good writers. It's just that the material they're being given isn't very compelling.

The lead characters of Donna Troy, Kyle Rayner, Jason Todd, Trickster, Pied Piper, Holly Robinson, Mary Marvel and Jimmy Olsen aren't very compelling and just seem to be put in the path of a bullet for no other reason than editorial edict.

24 weeks in and we still don't know their story.

24 weeks in, I haven't been made to feel like I should care about their story.

24 weeks ago, I signed on to see Jimmy Olsen die. According to DC it was something that must happen. 24 weeks later, Jimmy is alive and in a sewer, hanging out with underaged boys in his underwear.

This may be as good a time as any to question where this comic is ultimately headed.

For 24 weeks now, I have done nothing but defend this comic and week in week out, I've been testing myself finding new ways to do so.

So, there you have it, my reasons for wanting to stop counting.

So, my question to you is this:

"Why do I still want to stay?"

*Thanks to Jon Carey for the image.

Special thanks to Jon Carey for the popozao new banner, too.

Oh! By the way...

Hey, kids...

New Big Monkey Podcast: The Writer's Block Edition!

DC Di-Retch

2007-10-20T15:57:00.001-07:00

Dear DC Comics, please do not let interns design your covers for extra college credit.*

*Next time use the back cover as the cover, DC. Lens flare kills, kids. Kills.

All-Out Living! With The Viking Commando!!!!

2007-10-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

Three months late but here, nontheless! Kids, it time for another edition of....

"ALL-OUT LIVING WITH THE VIKING COMMANDO!"*

Matt Worzala asks:

What's a good way to let your roommate know they need to help out more with chores, that won't lead to awkward tension between the two of you?

Dear Matthew,

Sharpen your ax!

Next, awaken your village by singing a song full of plunder and one's testicular roundness and virility. Have the village children make torches, light them and have them form a circle just..."yay-big." Gather your roommate (by force if necessary,) bind his palsied wrist to yours with a leather strap, preferably one your father used to beat you with and have an all-out ax fight.

Hit him in the head with sharpened ax.

Repeat as needed.

Awkward tension becomes that feeling in your wrist as you haul his body back to the kitchen to get yourself some of last night's salted pork.

Googum asks:

Viking Commando, Why haven't you made a comeback yet? I mean, Sgt. Rock just had that limited, and Enemy Ace and Unknown Soldier have done stuff at Vertigo, so aren't you about due? If Balloon Buster gets a prestige special before you, I will lose all faith in god and man.

Dear Googum:

Have you seen the state of comics lately? I have no desire to "come back." Come back to what?

A world that doesn't inherently appreciate the genius of my being a Viking who is very much a Commando. I volunteered for duty in scribe Frank Miller's Holy Terror, Batman! comic, only to be told by DC Comics they thought I'd be in their words, "a bit much, even by our standards."

That is the reason I won't come back. Without me, no one will know how utterly ridiculous this book will be.

There is your "balloon buster."

Gyuss Baaltar asks:

Viking Commando, This weekend all my friends have made some time for pillaging and plundering the village one county over. However, my wife has reminded me that the lawn needs mowing. What should I do?

Hagar? Is that you again? Be a man. Have the damned boy do it. Go and raid your England!

Kushiro asks:

Viking Commando: I'm considering doing something with my investment portfolio. Despite the continued gains in the Dow Jones, I'm getting a bit nervous that the worm might turn soon and we could see a massive downturn. Should I move into safer short-to-medium term deposits, or do you think I'm wrong and I should remain in stocks, corporate bonds, and maybe even expand into something like futures?

Dear Kushiro:

The worm does often turn in all matters financial. I ask, what lies in your future? Planting within a wife's womb a Viking of stout heart? Then, I suggest short-to-medium term deposits. If that is the case, that is the safer way to go, I think. This tact will prove safest. If this works out, test the market with a few low yield bonds before investing too heavily.

If that fails, invest in a sack and steal some gold.

Allan asks:

Dear Mr. Commando, I have lost the taste for battle. I no longer yearn to feel the warm spray of my enemy's blood splash against my skin or smell that deliciously smoky blend of burning wood and human flesh. In the past, I would have shared my feelings with my friend Barry, but the last time I sought your council, you advised my to cut out his tongue, which means he is no longer speaking to me. I tried discussing this with a wise man who had made a study of the ways of the warrior's mind, but I became so confused by his use of words such as "existential" and "ennui" that I had no choice but to sever his head from his body and slaughter his wife and children to ensure that his bloodline would never again be able to mock me for my lack of an education.

So, I now turn to you, Viking Commando, whose wisdom I admire and whose judgment I respect. What can I do to rebuild the bloodlust that is the trait of every true warrior? And if it involves pills, can you suggest a wise man who can provide me with a prescription without causing me to fly into another fit of murderous child-killing rage?

Yours gratefully, Allan

P.S. Gail will show us the way!

Dear Allan:

Your lament reminds me of a story: Once, the god Loki made a wager with dwarves. The wager was so that if Loki lost, he would have to surrender his head to the ax of a dwarf. Loki lost this bet and in time the dwarves came to collect their debt. A god prince's head. Loki gladly submitted to the fact that the dwarves were owed his head but in no way could they claim any right to any part of his neck. Loki and the dwarves debated long into the night.

Obviously, the dwarves were owed his head but they all could not agree upon which parts exactly constitute neck and which parts exactly constitute head.

Conversely, Loki managed to keep his head indefinitely.

Although, the dwarves did sew his mouth shut...

What was your question again?

As for "gail," that can only be found in the lamentations of the womenfolk.

...and so ends another edition of "All-Out Living! With The Viking Commando!"

*Thanks to James Rambo for the Photoshop help.

Number One of "Seven Hells!" Comics' 5 Greatest Douchebags

2007-10-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

Somebody call The FBI 'cause this little b*tch has been commiting hate crimes for over sixty-five years.

Arrest his ass for blocking the rooster.

For wanting everyone around him to be as ho-po' as his punk ass.

For treating a true player like a redheaded stepchild.

For trying to steal a true pimp's stable.

For hating on a man who for 65 years has kept two fine young ladies plush in his garden of pimply delights.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you The High Priest of Hatin', that Kaiser of The C*ckblock...

Pubic Enemy Number One...

Comics' Greatest Douchebag Of All Time...

(May the squirrels forever forage for your nuts.)

1. REGGIE MANTLE

Number Two of "Seven Hells!" Comics' 5 Greatest Douchebags

2007-10-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Help shoot Hulk into space, don't consider consequences: CHECK!

Help usher in laws violating others civil liberties: CHECK!

Hunt down former allies who disagree with said laws: CHECK!

Imprison former friends if they disagree with said laws: CHECK!

Become head of espionage group to make it just that much easier: CHECK!

Create clone of a Nordic god and set it against your former allies: CHECK!

After Norse clone kills a two-story tall Black man, assign someone to dig a hole for said man, have him wrapped in a tarp, buried in chains in front of his whole family: CHECK!

Arrest best friend, Captain America, march him like a dog, handcuffed in front of a mob and not allow for his being possibly killed: CHECK!

Do so while completely sober: CHECK!

Kind of impressive when you see it all in one place, don't you think?

Congratulations, Tony... without even hardly trying, you became a better villain than I ever could hope be.

Hell.

All I've done lately is try and get elected mayor of Sub Diego.

2. IRON MAN

Number Three of "Seven Hells!" Comics' 5 Greatest Douchebags

2007-10-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

I've put more children in danger by dangling than this guy...

Just ask AQUAMAN.

3. ME.
Doctor BLACK MANTA

Number Four of "Seven Hells!" Comics' 5 Greatest Douchebags

2007-10-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

What is it with these people?

It's always about them.

White guys who keep those below, below the glass ceiling.

You know who I'm talking about.

Those two Atlantean kings who hate on men with big penises and doctorates and sh*t.

As much as I hate Aquaman, Namor, The Sub-Mariner just might be worse.

Always getting between Reed Richards and his baby's mama.

Disgraceful. A baby needs his daddy, *sshole.

I don't think he particularly likes Blacks either.

Here he is commiting a hate crime.

4. NAMOR

Big Monkey Podcast Is Sweet...Except When It's Not.

2007-10-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

The eleventy-billionth Big Monkey Podcast is, much like Ben Hatton, up and running.

Thrill to the adventures of everyone explaining to Scip that Iron Fist is just a comic.

Swoon as we all get the Blues.

Listen in shock and awe as we show you that five men can talk for one hour without cussin'.

------------

Interested in reading Empowered Volume Two?

Read this first.

Number Five of "Seven Hells!" Comics' 5 Greatest Douchebags

2007-10-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

I like this guy. For an midget, this guy goes big.

We have a lot in common.

Stupid blond guys are always getting into his sh*t.

Stupid blond guys are always getting into my sh*t.

He has a black soul.

I have a large Black Manta ship... to go along with my massive Black everythangs!

I heard he once cut his brother's girlfriend Sif's hair because she wouldn't give him any play.

Hateful.

Spiteful.

Pitiful.

I wholeheartedly approve.

If you did not know, that means I approve with my whole heart.

Loki is a "pimp," children.

Note the pimp cup.

His cup tells his story.

5. LOKI

Best Quote Of The Year

2007-10-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

Taken from Dark Horse's January solicitations:

EMPOWERED VOLUME 3

ADAM WARREN (W/A)

On sale Mar 12
b&w, 208 pages
$14.95
TPB, 6" x 9"

As if life as an often-struggling superheroine weren’t already hard enough, now costumed crimefighter “Empowered” discovers that another female superhero is ripping off her distress-prone persona—and cashing in, big-time! Even worse, her relationship with live-in boyfriend (and semi-reformed Witless Minion) Thugboy has run afoul of an extremely literal set of “power issues” ! Worse yet, a singularly bloodthirsty and ruthless ninja clan is gunning—no, make that shurikening—for Emp’s best friend and karaoke partner, Ninjette! Can our unlucky but still plucky heroine prevail over all these obstacles as well as the further threats posed by foreign fanfiction outrages, her own supersuit’s attempts to manipulate her self-esteem, and the revelation of (gasp!) her real name?

• “Empowered just may be the best graphic novel I’ve read all year.”
—Devon Sanders, Rack Raids

"Seven Hells!" returns with all-new material next week...

Thanks to Graig of "Rack Raids" fame for hippin' me to the quote.

Black Manta Presents... "Comics' 5 Greatest Douchebags" Week!

2007-09-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

You heard right, dammit!

Starting Monday...

Not ONE!

Not TWO!

Dammit... this is taking too long to type.

FIVE, dammit, of comics' greatest douchebags as only the staff of "Seven Hells!" can bring it to you...

Live and direct from Washington, D.C.

Douche Central.*

*Lovely and talented Big Monkey Comics patrons excepted and that guy who sold me your bike for like a dollar. He's alright in my book.

19 Questions & 1 Statement

2007-09-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

1. What the hell was he doing there on Page 6? (Justice League of America #13)

2. Between this and DC's pulling the trigger early on Parallax in the pages of Countdown, do the editors ever like, you know... talk to one another?

3. Oh, my God. Are Jai and Iris actually growing on me? (Flash #232)

4. Can we keep her in the red leotard and hooker boots, please? (Wonder Woman Annual #1)

5. Is it me or does everything that American Apparel makes look like something Donna Troy once wore?

6. Was I the only one surprised at how much I enjoyed The Umbrella Academy #1?

7. Am I the only person warming up to All-Star Batman & Robin, The Boy Wonder? (All-Star Batman & Robin, The Boy Wonder #7)

8. Can we we all agree that if there's ever a Mr. Terrific series that Keith Giffen should be the first choice as writer? (52: The Four Horsemen #2)

9. You know when the sh*t's hit the fan? When Batman's cracking the jokes.

10. SNAPPER CARR?!?

11. Is there anything more "gloriously rotten" than Showcase Presents: Batman and The Outsiders, Vol. 1?

12. If you haven't done so already, find the Doctor Thirteen: Architecture & Mortality trade paperback. It will complete you.

13. A cross between The Martian Manhunter's costume and Sailor Moon's, if there's a costume more designed for "cute" than Miss Martian's, will you please let me know?

14. How bad-ass was the last page of Teen Titans #51?

15. Has Blue Beetle surpassed Batman as having the best supporting cast in comics?

16. Kids, how utterly wonderful is Blue Beetle's mom, Mrs. Reyes?

17. Are Raven and Starfire Jonni DC's answer to Beetle & Booster? (Teen Titans GO! #47)

18. Did you rejoice in Thor's whupping Iron Man's ass as much as I did? (Thor #3)

19. Can we have more of J.H. Williams' Batman, please? (Batman #669)

20. Did this issue make you miss "death traps" as much as I do?

One Flew Over... Arkham Asylum?

2007-09-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was watching "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" the other day and noticed something kind of cool.

Three of its stars went on to play Batman villains.

Can you name which three actors and which villains they played, respectively?

--------

Also, when The Teen Titans (Robin, Kid Flash and Aqualad) formed, what was the reason behind Supergirl's not being available to join the team?

--------

Also, because you wanted it:

Coming soon (for at least one more time), the return of Kyle Rayner: ADULT! and tomorrow, the return of the weekly feature 19 Questions & One Statement.

500th Post!

2007-09-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

Geez, where does the time go?

Nearly two and a half years ago, I started this blog with the words, "I have nothing to say to you today."

That really hasn't been a big problem since.

I was going to do something big for this post but well, I'm a bit swamped this week.

Douchebaggery abounds and I must answer its call. (Ummm... hint, hint.)

On that note, I ask you a question:
"What brought you here?"

I'm curious is all. I see new and familiar faces here everyday and I'm beginning to want to put a bit of context to the whole thing.

Thanks for showing up and take care!

Crisis Of Infinite Births II

2007-09-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

Continuing our look at DC's biggest "event" crossover, It's "Crisis Of Infinite Births II" or "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The 90's."

WAR OF THE GODS:

Major character contribution:

DC did make a half-assed attempt at truly integrating Son of Vulcan into The DCU. Most people were impressed that a man could be in the vicinity of Lobo while wearing a skirt and come out the other side unscathed.

Circe moved up in Wonder Woman's villain pantheon by trying to take over the world.

The first of 1,253 attempts.

(This just in!)

Make that 1,254.

Wonder Woman Annual #1 comes out next week.

The "not-so-much":

Umm... I really don't think it did anything other than sport George Perez covers.

Moving on....

BLOODLINES:

Major character contribution:

Hitman! A hard-drinkin' assassin with a heart of gold.

Or as I like to call him: an Irishman.

The "not-so-much":

Pretty much all of it. Loose Cannon? Imagine (or don't) Lobo being molested by a Smurf, this is what you'd expect from that most unholy of couplings. I'm pretty sure his creator, Jeph Loeb ain't sitting around waiting around on royalty checks from this one.

ZERO HOUR:

Major character contribution(s):

The return of The Justice Society of America from comics limbo.

Removed the prostitute angle from Catwoman's origin.

Concretely established Batman as an urban legend.

Jack Knight, Starman. Writer James Robinson introduced in Starman a comic that honored DC's Golden and Silver Ages while simultaneously forging it a new and glorious future. Without this book there would probably be no Justice Society of America, as we know it.

Starman also presented us with the concept of the "legacy character," a character building upon the name and legend of a previously introduced hero.

He later passed on the torch and Cosmic Rod of Starman to Stargirl, a character prominently featured in the monthly Justice Society of America series.

The "not-so-much":

In trying to fix Hawkman's origin, it did more harm than good.

UNDERWORLD UNLEASHED:

Major character contribution(s):

Neron, a character whose machinations have tied him to the fates of both Blue Devil and Ralph Dibny, The Elongated Man.

Established Major Disaster as something of a bad-ass. Disaster joined the side of the angels and became a member of The Justice League.

The "not-so-much":

Effed up The Killer Moth.

I mean, really effed up The Killer Moth.

FINAL NIGHT:

Major character contribution(s):

Personally, it made me like The Legion of Superheroes a bit, especially Ferro Lad. I never cared for them before so, I guess...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Hal Jordan (as Parallax) sacrifices himself for the greater good. The 90's officially come to an end.

The "not-so-much":

Remeber Inferno?

The Legionnaire that got left behind?

My point exactly.

GENESIS:

Major character contribution:

Phil Collins must have had somthing to do with this because it sucked. The writing was weak and unfocused and couldn't maintain the beat.

Led Zeppelin hated it so much they refused to let it be released in trade.

The "not-so-much":

It allowed me to make that joke.

DC ONE MILLION:

Major character contribution(s):

All of it.

Especially the late, lamented Hourman who went on to have his own series and became a member of The JSA.

There will be a DCU a million years from now. In a metatext sort of way, that makes me kinda happy.

Gunfire 1,000,000 will blow his ass uo using his own hand.

The "not-so-much":

None, really. When Gunfire 1,000,000 blows up his ass, we all win.

DAY OF JUDGMENT:

Major character contribution(s):

The Sentinels of Magic. I kinda liked these guys. They should have called it Primal Force, though. Sales would have gone through the roof.

Oh, wait. That wouldn't have helped.

Shadowpact?

This was also Geoff Johns' first big DC work.

The "not-so-much":

Hal Jordan as The Spectre. Come on, this guy tries to pay strippers with a check. Is this the guy you want deciding your fate or running Cincinnati?

So, where's Identity Crisis, Infinite Crisis and 52?

That's another post entirely.

Overall, I'd say DC's 90's "event" output wasn't all that bad.

Kinda like a Lobo appearance, actually.

So, again, I ask you, "Which "event" had the longest lasting character contribution(s) to The DCU?

"Which had the least?"

Crisis Of Infinite Births

2007-09-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it dawned on me as I put JLA/Hitman #1 down:

I'm reading Hitman again. It made me happy. I missed Tommy.

Anyways, that led me to do this, take a look at the thing that seems to spawn heroes.

The "event."

"The event book," to be exact.

Just as surely as something such as Bloodlines spawns a Hitman, a Millenium craps out a New Guardians.

So, let's take a look back at some of DC Comics' major events and see some of the major character contributions these events have had on The DCU:

THE CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS:

Major character contribution(s):

DC's integration into their universe of the Charlton characters. Characters as disparate as The Question, Blue Beetle, Captain Atom, Nightshade, Peacemaker and Son of Vulcan were introduced into The DCU and twenty-plus years later remain impact players in the overall scheme of things.

The integration of DC's Golden Age characters into one shared universe.

The "not-so-much":

Wildcat II.

Wildcat II = butt.

LEGENDS:

Major character contribution(s):

The Flash III (Wally West), the return of The Martian Manhunter as one of DC's "big" characters, The Suicide Squad, Shazam!, Guy Gardner (as a major Green Lantern), The Justice League, Wonder Woman's first interaction with DC's superhero community.

The "not-so-much":

None, really. This book had everything. In my opinion, this is DC most successful "event" in terms of overall completion of story purpose. Every hero it focused on is still having an impact on The DCU.

MILLENIUM:

Major character contribution(s):

None. Other than being DC's first weekly crossover series, this book contributed absolutely nothing to The DCU.

The "not-so-much":

DC's first "out" character, Extrano.

Millenium is also the "event" that did away with The Green Lantern Corps.

INVASION!:

Major character contribution(s):

Having Valor (Mon-El) be the one who seeds the planets that, 1,000 years in the future, become The United Planets was one of the most brilliant uses of retconning I've ever seen.

Vril Dox & L.E.G.I.O.N. The precursors to The Legion of Super-Heroes.

Justice League: Europe.

The "not-so-much":

It tried making Snapper Carr a major player in The DCU by reintroducing him as a member of The Blasters.

The Blasters.

The Blasters, yo.

ARMAGEDDON 2001:

Major character contribution(s):

Monarch, a character who today as the former Capt. Atom, for good or bad, is attempting a major strike against The Multiverse.

The "not-so-much":

The choice to make Hawk (of Hawk & Dove) totally destroyed him as a character. Still an awesome HeroClix, though.

ECLIPSO: THE DARKNESS WITHIN:

Major character contribution(s):

None, really but it did lead to the death of Wildcat II in the Eclipso series so it wasn't all bad.

The "not-so-much":

The eventual death of Wildcat II. A win-win, when you look back on it, really.

So, my question to you is this:

Of the six "events," which one had the most lasting character contribution(s) to The DC Universe?

Of the six, which event birthed the worst contribution?

Tommorow, War of The Gods, Bloodlines and much, much more...

God, help you all.

Buy This...

2007-09-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

...with your own money!

Doctor Thirteen: Architecture & Mortality!

The trade paperback comics blogging created!

Sketch-A-Palooza: Wonder Woman

2007-09-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

Sketch-A-Palooza begins anew and this time with....

Wonder Woman as rendered by Cully "Black?" Hamner!

Now, I have no idea why Wonder Woman is reclining in such a way. I know, it's not very "warrior-like," but dammit, it is soooooo pretty!

If I wrote anything that Wonder Woman were in this is exactly how I would introduce her. Reclining inexplicably, looking right into "the camera."

Picture it:

John Stewart (Taking his seat at The JLA Conference Table) : Starro's attacking Fisherman's Wharf!

Wonder Woman (Reclining on the JLA's glass conference table) : Good! I'm tired of being made to hang around this conference table, anyway...

Or this scenario:

Geo-Force: By my crown...

Wonder Woman (Reclining on the Invisible Jet's wing) : For Hera's sake! Shut your stupid f*****' mouth, you fake little emperor, you!

Or this one...

Superman (Kneeling on the ground, crying again, clutching his "S") : Black Adam's killed millions!

Wonder Woman (Gliding on an air current) : Well, it is Tuesday...

Writing and art!

That's comics, people.

----------------

By the way, the new Big Monkey Podcast is up, up and away...

Thrill to the Deaths of The New (Podcasting) Gods!

Sketch-A-Palooza: Lady Cop

2007-09-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

Sketch-A-Palooza begins and to start it of with a bang, let's start it off with one hell of a bangin' lady:

LADY COP... as rendered by former Action Comics artist Bob McLeod.

Isn't she beautiful?

That look in her eye? Confident, vigilant, regal. That, friends, is The Eye Of The Tiger.

McLeod perfectly captured the majesty that is Lady Cop, hand firmly on hip, baton in hand, lowered just so, raised just high enough to signal she'll knock your ass out.

If I lived in a perfect world, there would be a Lady Cop comic, drawn by McLeod and it would be featured on Oprah's Book Club. The Oprah-ites would be all "OOOH" and "AAAH" and bum-rush the comic book stores. Housewives would be all up in comic shops while fanboys would be hiding in corners, acting like their moms found their porn stash and stuff.

Me, I'd sell 'em the comics and smile pretty and let more women be dazzled by my wit and how handsome I am in proper lighting.

Oh, yeah! My charm, too.

I'm just sayin', is all.

Kudos To....

2007-09-13T09:32:00.001-07:00

THE SPLASH PAGE!

It's the first thing you'll see. It's there to make an impression.

When done right, nothing conveys more information than this, one of comics' greatest and oldest storytelling tools.

Recently, comics have been full of splash pages, unfortunately, in the wrong places. Lately, they've been used in the middle or end of a story to convey "epic scale" and often to the story's detriment.

Just my opinion, but too many splash pages, mid-comic, do nothing but confuse the storytelling. Personally, I've been conditioned to look for the splash (hook) at the beginning of a story and when it comes late, it throws me off a bit.

So, imagine my surprise when I noticed the splash page has made a major comeback. No better examples can be found than in two of this week's new releases:

THOR #3

Why does it work? Artist Olivier Coipel's composition is absolutely beautiful. The "Welcome To New Orleans" sign in the foreground. Thor in the background gently descending towards the surface. Laura Martin's muted palette suggesting twilight.

It's brilliant, gently letting the reader in on the story about to be told.

Best thing about this splash page? The mud on the sign. It's a sad reminder of the city's abandonment. Two years after the flood, it's watermark still there, a reminder of the city's abandonment. It's a small, subtle thing but one that speaks volumes without one word being said.

WONDER GIRL #1

Why does it work? Simplicity. Wonder Girl stands forefront and the first words you read are these:

"Her name is Cassandra Sandsmark. She is the second warrior to be Wonder Girl."

It establishes who she is and makes the reader want to turn the page to find out more about her story and the characters surrounding her.

Artist Sanford Greene, with his round line and Manga-esque influences, is nearly perfect for this character.

He establishes that this comic, featuring this young girl, might be something a young Manga fan might appreciate.

So, yeah, KUDOS to the SPLASH PAGE... and to those who truly know how to use it.

The Seven Deadly Sins Featuring Cliff Baker, Son of Animal Man

2007-09-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

All panels taken from Countdown To Adventure #1
GREED

WRATH

PRIDE

SLOTH

LUST

ENVY

GLUTTONY

Baltimore Comic-Con

2007-09-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

...and another one comes to a close.

I've said it once and I've said it before. Baltimore Comic-Con is the best comics convention out there.

The best thing about BCC?

You don't have to try not and hang your head in avoidance of "Wrestling Superstar Virgil" or leap past Lou Ferrigno in order to get to the long boxes.

What did I see?

What did I learn?

I got a sneak peek at The JLA Wedding Special.

If there were any doubt, The Justice League is returned to greatness in writer Dwayne McDuffie's very capable hands.

Trust me, you'll want to pick this one up.

Cully Hamner, when not drawing and in between singing to editors, has still not become Black.

He was in great spirits and drew an incredible, incredible Wonder Woman for me. I'll show it to you all soon.

He also had on display the first issue and a half of the upcoming Black Lightning: Year One mini-series.

It is beautiful and for continuity pornographers, several panels feature a young baby I can only assume is his daughter, Thunder (of Outsiders fame.)

Howard Chaykin is the ti*s, I'll tell you what. We reminisced on misspent youth and Blackhawk. If anyone can tell a dirty story like this man, I haven't met him. Chaykin's the man. He's living proof that it's all in the delivery.

Caught the Mike Wieringo Tribute panel. It was very touching listening to their wonderful remembrances of the man who history will probably count amongst the legends of the comics field.

Bob McLoed (Action Comics) was there, as well. He did a drawing of Lady Cop for me and I am not ashamed to say this: my legs buckled a bit upon receipt. The man is a true artist's artist.

Talked to Mike Hawthorne, late of Queen & Country and currently of Vertigo's Un-Men ongoing series. A nicer guy you'll never meet. He also told me he has the first 5 or six issues drawn and in the can. As if I needed more reason to admire the guy.

Franchesco of Savage She-Dragon and Green Lantern Quarterly fame was there at his first BCC. He's one hell of a nice guy and I was glad to hear he's already wanting to come back next year.

Other stuff:

Peter Tomasi & Rags Morales on Nightwing?

Exactly what this character needed. Solid writing and art. I think this'll be what Nightwing needs in order for readers to return. For the past two years this character's been in nothing but a holding pattern, what with a truly sh*tty Bruce Jones story-arc where he becomes a male model while Jason Todd takes his name and kills people in some crazy attempt to do something or other.

Did I mention the female Nightwing?

No. I didn't.

Marv Wolfman's work on the title, I heard, hasn't been bad. Just enough there to make me care.

Hopefully, this team'll help us all remember that this is a character second only to Batman in cunning and history.

Tomasi on Green Lantern Corps? I'm there.

At the DC Nation panel, someone asked if we'll see a new Hawkman series in the near future. DiDio looked like he wanted to burst. That's a good thing.

Don't die Dan DiDio. I like you.

All in all, I had an great time. Conventions like this do nothing but make me appreciate the hard work and devotion these creators put into their work. That energizes me and helps me enjoy the medium all the more. That's what it's all about, after all.*

*Apologies to "Wrestling Superstar Virgil"

Baltimore Bound

2007-09-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time again!

The one time of the year I let my four-color fandom fly forth, wild, high & tight.

Baltimore Comic-Con!

If you read this blog, feel free to come up and say, "Hi." I'd love to meet ya!

If you want to watch a man stride like The Colossus of Rhodes across a convention floor, there's Ben.

When Comics Are Good: Thor #3

2007-09-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Monthly comics, when done well, came be pretty euphoric.

Thor #3 is a cause for sheer euphoria!

A god speaks in soliloquy and all a man in a metal suit of armor can do is listen.

BOO-YAH!

If there's ever been a greater punking in comics than the one Thor gives Iron Man, I've never seen it.

Wait a minute, on second thought, maybe I have.

Yup, it's that epic.

Ben-Nihilation

2007-09-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

Last week, after much discussion and shooting down of things, we chose not to discuss Marvel's "event," Annihilation on last week's Big Monkey Podcast.

The reason why we chose not to do so were simple.

Only two of us (Ben & Jon B.) had even bothered to follow it. Why is that, I wonder?

Traditionally, space adventure is often thought of very highly. No one need look no further than "The Kree-Skrull War Saga." DC's criminally never reprinted 1988 event "Invasion." Those fond feelings often don't translate into blockbuster sales figures, at least where space opera is concerned.

For example, let's take Rann-Thanagar War. Of the four "big event books" (The OMAC Project, Villains United & Days of Vengeance) that led up to Infinite Crisis, R-T War was Big Monkey Comics' hardest sell.

I've always wondered why. Was it that, of the four, it had the least "star power?"

Villains United featured writing by fan-fave writer Gail Simone, ass-kicking art by Dale Eaglesham, telling the story of six villains vs. a secret society of super-villains numbering in the hundreds.

Days of Vengeance worked on the premise of a few C-list magic based heroes proving what it is to be a hero in a futile attempt to contain DC mainstay, The Spectre.

The OMAC Project had strong ties to Batman and served as a launch point for a future Checkmate series.

Written by Dave Gibbons and drawn (most of the time) by future Green Lantern artist Ivan Reis, Rann-Thanagar War mainly focused on the conflict as seen through the eyes of Rann's Adam Strange and Thanagar's Hawkman.

Of the four R-T War was the least well-received. As I remember it, the blogosphere's reactions to it all were more interesting than the actual war, with various blogs declaring war upon one another in the name of the hated Rann or our beloved Thanagar.

(Guess which side I came down upon.)

But I digress, we left Annihilation exactly where we left it... nowhere. What is it about "space adventure" that seems to only translate to critical acclaim and not "fan favorite" status?

Is it that the Big Two of DC & Marvel's sole focus seems to be on superhero fare?

Are the events of Countdown or World War Hulk just that more interesting?

Is it that space opera ain't very good for the bottom line?

Is something like Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps Corps an anomaly, an exception rather than the rule?

What do YOU think?

Big Monkey Podcast Mows Down The Competition

2007-09-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

The one in which I speak of John Deere and Oprah in the same sentence.

The one in which I, a realist, have no faith in a Wizard.

The one in which I give Teens the rub.

(That sounded bad.)

Always Remember, Kids....

2007-08-31T10:29:00.001-07:00

SUE RICHARDS WILL EAT YOUR SOUL.

Why I Don't Respect Green Arrow

2007-08-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

I absolutely HATE Green Arrow, as a character.

Hate him.

Why? Is it the constant political posturing foisted upon the character?

Is it the constant womanizing?

Is it because when his adopted son, Roy Harper, developed a drug problem, Ollie cast him out and walked out on him when he needed him most?

Is it the fact that the he fathers children, left and right, and then abandons them?

Is the fact that he lives a lie everyday, letting the world, his son, Connor Hawke and his soon-to-be (?) bride, Black Canary, believe he had no idea Connor was alive until he presented himself in his early twenties?

It's all of the above... and then some.

What actually cemented my hate for this character was the seventy-fifth issue of Green Arrow.

The one in which he lost his manhood.

It was, perhaps, the worst day he'd ever had. Deathstroke had systematically taken down his entire family.

Connor was down, Mia (Speedy) was out, Black Canary was inches away from having her throat slashed.

What part made me want to vomit?

Was it the part where he dropped to his knees, begging Deathstroke to spare his family?

Nope. I actually admired that.

Was it the part where he cried while doing so, not knowing whether or not his family would make it out alive?

Nope.

I can get behind that.

So, where did I lose respect?

The final scene where after The Justice League saves the day.

Where Oliver Queen tells his ex, Black Canary, the reason he wanted to become a better man was so he could get her back.

Then, he proposes to her.

No. Just....

No.

Black Canary proved day-in and day-out that she's better off without him. He never made the choice to actively become better off without her. He never asked himself whether or not she was better off without him.

We've all taken our own personal walks through hell, confronted personal demons and the like. We've all taken personal rolls of the dice and taken bets on ourselves. It should be done out of a fundamental belief in self.

In this undertaking, one should become a better person for self, first and foremost.

Not from a place of rejection.

Kids, do NOT try this at home.

That way lies failure.

Oliver Queen's reasons for his continued existence are egocentric, existing only to further his inate ability to set himself and those close to him up for further failure and disappointment.

In trying to make himself better for someone else, Oliver Queen succeeds only in further showcasing his selfishness.

Oliver Queen is an a-hole.

Hawkman does not approve of your actions.

Dream Teams: Round Two

2007-08-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

We've played this game before but recently, comics have seen an influx of new and good talent.

Now's as good a time as any to let loose...

I'll start...

Writer: Greg Rucka
Artist: Pat Gleason
Character: Any incarnation of Dick Grayson

Writer: Sean McKeever
Artist: Cliff Chiang
Character: Power Girl

Your turn....

Call Me Crazy...

2007-08-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so I bought the Secrets of Isis on DVD and it's just awful... but in that suh-weet Seventies "AfterSchool Special" sort of way.

That way that a kid brings a gun to school and "everyone-learns-a-valuable-lesson-without anyone-getting-capped" sort of way.

If I had a time machine, screw going back in time and buying Microsoft stock, I'd go back and try and get a job writing for The Secrets of Isis.

That way, I could look forward to the future and knowing I'd be doing DVD commentary, saying stuff like, "God, I don't remember writing this show at all. It was the Seventies. I was coked out of my mind. Hell, we all were. Wanna learn how to fold a piece of paper into a boat?"

Anyway, while watching the DVD, two things stood out, Isis (Joanna Cameron) was GORGEOUS!

Two, she reminded me of someone kicking around TV, nowadays....

Call me "crazy" but I think Evangeline Lily kinda looks like her, even down to the crazy freckled nose...

Am I the only one seeing this?

"Seven Hells" Version 8.0?

2007-08-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this long and hard and I've come to this conclusion....

I ADORE COMICS.

Yup. That's the big conclusion, the big revelation:

i. adore. comics. (Drawing a little heart on top of the "i.")

That said, I've been thinking about doing this for a while now and I think the time is right.

The white tigers are getting bigger and have begun exploring the compound on their own, hunting on their own. Halle & Rosario are off doing whatever it is women do when I'm not with them and my concerns have turned elsewhere.

Comics.

I'm doing them a bit of a disservice.

Specifically, by speaking of DC Comics, only.

Don't get me wrong, I love DC Comics but comics I absolutely adore.

I think I should simply talk about comics more.

I love Brian Wood and Ryan Kelly's Oni series, Local and I'm excited about their 2008 Minx OGN, The New York Four.

After reading the Phonogram tpb, I'm primed for Image's Suburban Glamour.

I'm sad I won't see new Queen & Country comics until 2009.

You all deserve be reading Scalped.

Immortal Iron Fist has everything I'm looking for in a comic: legacy, action and head-butting.

There's another comics newsmag, Comic Foundry, out there other than Wizard.

I like that. I'm looking forward to COMICS.

Times are good.

I want to talk more about GOOD comics. Good comics deserve to spoken of.

Does that mean this blog won't be "DC-centric" anymore. Not at all.

Just means this blog won't always be about "DC." Like, 1 percent of the time or whenever the mood strikes.

I just want to occasionally give myself the option is all.

I'm excited about comics again, period.

I will continue to write about what I love. DC Comics.

I will write about what I adore. COMICS.

There're a lot of universes out there. Why limit oneself?

Devon's Subtext Follies

2007-08-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

Wait a minute.

That's Holly & Harley...

On second thought, that last one may not have any subtext, after all.

Greatest Missed Opportunities: Sub Diego

2007-08-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

The shorthand of it all was rather brilliant.

Floating panda.

We were introduced to it through a floating... panda!

San Diego had fallen into the ocean and to emphasize the fantastic scope of it all, writer Will Pfeiffer shocked me into the fantastic.

Moments before, a city very much rooted in what we knew as reality, became irrevocably changed by a writer thinking it, "DC."

Victims of a powerful earthquake, San Diegoans suddenly were at the ocean's mercy, asking God to not let them die this way. Soon, the reality of it all set in. God did not let them go. The ocean wouldn't let them go, in fact, it embraced them.

Ordinary men & women suddenly found themselves thrust into a new world.

A world in which they, literally, breathed in the ocean.

Into this horror crept the realization that many of them were trapped into this with no warning and utmost in their minds, no way around this foreign land of floating pandas and curious fish.

That was until a lone man, born into this world, became their greatest ally, displaying why he was called, "king."

This city became the new domain of a hero, The King of The Seven Seas, Aquaman.

They panicked, they howled, they fought to get to the surface and he let the ocean do his bidding. The sharks kept the ones who tried to escape inside the ocean. The whales stopped dogs too wrapped in being dogs (not listening) from killing themselves. On the surface, the humans did what they could, tossing what animals they could back into the ocean.

Below, the king took their pain unto himself and delivered them news he'd heard himself many times before... they could never go home.

And with that, the ocean took their tears as surely as it had everything else.

---------------------

This was Sub Diego.

This world was the stuff DC Comics were made of. A world into which Aquaman as king and character could thrive. A world where one ordinary San Diego girl becomes extraordinary, displaying the ability to breathe both above and below.

Sub Diego gave us Lorena Marquez, the current ( and IMHO, best) Aquagirl.

Sub Diego gave us an Aquaman at his very best, fighting to give the banished a sense of normalcy in a world without precedent.

This was a world without wizards and magical legacies set upon blonde haired children. This was world where mystical healing hands made of water were incorporated into the tapestry yet took a backseat to the needs of a new democracy suddenly beset with drugs.

It was a city. It was what DC did best.

The city became a character.

The city showed promise.

The city had stories to tell.

During 52: World War III, in what seemed to me, an afterthought, the stories were, I kid you not, "wished" away.

The story of Sub Diego ended as it began.

With tragedy... only minus the brilliance of a floating panda .

"Seven Hells'" 5 Smartest People In The DC Universe

2007-08-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

I mean, really...

What's not to love about the guy?

He's the comic book equivalent of Nikola Tesla.

He invents televisions that broadcast the future.

Out of boredom, he invents robots that infiltrate Justice Leagues.

His name is the coolest in comics.

He sips cocktails to let you know how little he cares for your impending doom.

While the world's best minds cowered like mice after being targeted by a freshly-returned-from-genocide Black Adam, this man almost single-handedly defeated the World's Deadliest Mortal.

How did he do this?

Science.

The man's frickin' superpower is science.

Science.

5. T.O. MORROW.

Gorilla geniuses consider this man a threat.

Where T.O. Morrow is Tesla, Lex Luthor is Edison, conquering the world through practical application.

If he has to steal that innovation, well....

Luthor's greatest strength is his conviction.

Lex Luthor realizes the world needs heroes. In Luthor's world, heroes don't fly into burning buildings on flying carpets. No, heroes are made so through LexCorp innovation. Your children DESERVE to be saved by men wearing LexCorp designed jetpacks.

This is the world Luthor envisions when he closes his eyes. A world embracing innovation, shunning the alien.

Remember this man has seen Kandor.

He knows that through science and cunning, he can make this and any other world fit in the palm of his very human hand.

4. LEX LUTHOR

He's, in my opinion, the second smartest man alive.

From an early age, he displayed "a natural aptitude for having natural aptitudes."

He is simply, a man of disciplines.

He speaks several different languages fluently, is a gold medal winning decathelete and more imporantly, holds 14 different Ph.D's.

He has created technology that renders him invisible to all machines.

He's created venerated technology that has been co-opted by The Batman.

He was man enough to be proud of the accomplishment.

When the same Batman needed someone to help take out one of his own co-opted inventions, he called upon him.

A former JSA chairman and current head of Checkmate, he is almost always "the best man for the job."

3. MR. TERRIFIC

What CAN'T you say about the man?

Before a term for it even existed, he was the world's greatest criminal profiler.

He has contingency plans to destroy The Justice League, should it ever come to that.

A brilliant futurist, from his mind sprung cars modeled on bats and powered by rocket fuel.

He keeps a secret headquarters on a distant planet, you know, just... because.

2. BATMAN

The smartest thing one can do in this life is decide to live.

Live, despite setback.

Live, despite fear.

Live knowing that life is about adapting.

She was a librarian and gymnast with Olympic-level ability.

She was Batgirl.

Those few who knew of her other life thought of her as nothing other than a youthful sidekick.

It took a bullet to prove them wrong.

Barbara Gordon, as a librarian, knew information means power.

In The DC Universe, no one is more powerful.

Possessing a genius intellect, photographic memory and unparalleled knowledge of computers, she re-invented herself as the DCU's information broker Oracle.

She who controls the information, controls the world.

She's put herself in a position where Batman comes to her.

A great leader, she realizes that it is of vital import to surround herself with the best. Her greatest asset is her ability to take those at a crossroads and show them a new way.

Whether it's a Black Canary fresh from a break-up with an "ex," a Huntress newly cast out from The Justice League and The Bat-Family or giving a home to Lady Blackhawk some 60 years removed from the ones she considered family, Oracle has learned that there is strength in making others stronger.

Being able to make strawberry flavored, nuclear powered hand grenades doesn't necessarily make you the smartest.

Seeing potential in everything and nearly everyone.

That, in my opinion, makes Oracle the smartest person in The DC Universe.

1. ORACLE

Big Monkey Podcast : I Do Black Manta Proud

2007-08-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

The podcast in which I speak of sausage and penisholes...

and COMICS.

The Dark Knight

2007-08-17T11:07:00.001-07:00

I am officially intrigued.

Back next week.

Just A Thought

2007-08-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

Let's start with a cliche'.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

I always hated that one for reasons, secular and non.

The point of this post is a simple one. Plans were made by DC Comics to kill a creation. A creation that, in my opinion, re-ushered in a sense of wonder to the DCU that had long gone missing.

June, 1994, we all who stuck around, were treated to The DCU through the wide eyes of a child and in that, I became a fan of The Flash mythos and more inportantly, a fan of Mike Wieringo.

I absolutely loved Bart's unique brand of wide-eyed optimism and sweetness. From what little I know of the man, he fully embodied his own creation.

Let me say this outright, I'm not calling for any sort of petition to undo whatever grand plan DC has in killing Bart Allen but in a universe that's all about legacy, I just think it's an absolute shame that this man's greatest contribution to it has been laid silent.

It would simply be nice to look at things through wide eyes again.

R.I.P. Mike Wieringo

2007-08-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten your ass kicked so badly that you couldn't believe ass-kickings of the like even existed?

That's what today feels like.

One of the purest, most creative artists of this or any generation, my absolute favorite artist, Mike Wieringo, passed away.

You have no idea how much this saddens me.

Mike Wieringo, in the few times I met him, was always kind to me with his time and abilities. One of my absolute joys in comics fandom was the day I walked up to him, sketchbook in hand, and asked him to draw a sketch of Lady Cop.

After hours of sketching Spider-Man, The Thing and other world renowned comics luminaries, the look of absolute befuddlement on this man's face as I showed him 1st Issue Special #4 will stay with me to the end of my days.

Mike's work was an absolute joy to behold. There he was, in the midst of the grim 'n gritties, doing what he does best: characters unafraid to curl their mouths into a smile. Whether it was Robin, The Flash, Rogue, Spider-Man, Tellos or his most lasting contribution to the comics medium, Bart Allen (Impulse), one could feel the absolute joy this man took in sharing his abilities.

I have had the pleasure of meeting him and thanking him for his contributions to the medium and each time, he would put his hand out and shake my own.

It was my absolute honor to have had the the opportunity to have met him and to simply be given the chance to have done so.

The medium and we all are just that much richer for having you, Mike.

May God bless and keep you.

The Big Monkey Podcast: Confirming Something's Wrong With Us Since 2007

2007-08-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'd had massive amounts of blood drawn from me.

Jon Carey was hopped up on cold medicine.

Ben was sleep deprived and jittery from Red Bull.

Then, Jon Brooks amputated his left hand and replaced it with a mystical healing water hand.

Scip was...

Scip.

This is THE BIG MONKEY PODCAST!

Re-Forging

2007-08-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been any content worth noting here in the past couple of weeks.

Which leads me to this...

I'm taking some time off. A week or so should do.

And no, nothing's horribly wrong. Here's the deal...

Right now, it doesn't feel like I'm even trying to write.

Lately, it feels as though all I've been doing is posting up pictures, commenting on them and walking away.

There are numerous comics blogs that do that and have no problem with it.

I sorta do.

I want to get back to actually doing something I'd actually like to read.

Ideas are important to me.

I have ideas. Plenty of good ones, too. I have a new banner. I want to present them to you. Until I feel as though I can actually do them justice, well...

Instead of having you wonder about the lack of posts over the next week or so, I thought you'd like to know what was going on.

See you soon,
Devon

I'm A Character!

2007-08-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

The phone rings.

"Have you read all of your comics?" asked Scip.

"Not all of them. Halle, go back to sleep." said I.

"Have you read this week's Action Comics #835?"

"Not yet."

"You're a character in the DC Universe. Take a look at page four."

I leap over the Oscar winner and smooth away the previous day's $100 bills cluttering this week's comics and there it is...

I AM A COP IN METROPOLIS!!!!

So's Scip!

Thank you, Kurt Busiek, you magnificent man for bringing the inevitable Brave and The Bold Devon/Lady Cop team-up issue just that much closer to reality.

Devon's Kinda True Cully Hamner Story

2007-08-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Cully: How's it goin'?

Devon: Ummm... fine. You still doing sketches?

Cully: Yeah. I am. What would you like?

Devon: Ummm... Tesla Strong.

Cully: Hm. O.K.

Devon: Great. (Hands him cash) Thanks.

(I hover for a bit.)

Devon: I'm sorry for hovering but I have to say this....

Devon: I always thought you were Black.

Cully: (Laughing) Brian (Stelfreeze), did you hear that?

Brian: No. What was it?

Cully: (Pointing at me) He thought I was Black.

Brian: You're not.

Cully: You know you're the second person to say that? Why are people amazed that I'm not Black?

Devon: Well, you used to draw Green Lantern: Mosaic, right?

Cully: Yeah?

Devon: Well, you, keep in mind it was the early 90's, right? Black characters were being drawn like White people but with Afros. You used to draw John Stewart with... umm... kinda big lips.

Cully: (Laughing) Yeah?

Devon: I figured you were either Black or just a really good artist. Now, I know that you're just a really good artist.

Then, he pulled out a twenty-one sided die, made a critical hit, conjured up a Pegasus and rode off into the sunset.

Cully Hamner is a really good artist who'll be drawing Black Lightning: Year One soon and I can't wait.

The Big Monkey Comics Podcast Gets Girly

2007-07-31T07:22:00.001-07:00

Fellers and ladies, this podcast is the one in which the wonderful Tori Tyree, head of Big Monkey Comics' Women Group, joins us to talk about comics.

Listen in awe as The Amazing Tori talks about her love for all things Black Canary, fishnets and Kung Fu included!

Listen in amazement as two of comics' greatest minds, myself and writer Mike Carey (The Devil You Know, Lucifer, X-Men) discuss comics!

No ferrets were harmed in the making of this podcast.

Kyle Rayner: ADULT!

2007-07-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

Wanna see Kyle Rayner summed up in two pages?

Want to see Donna Troy's new purpose as a "professional love interest" summed up in one page?

Taken from Wonder Woman, Vol. 2, issue 125

The Big Monkey Comics Podcast Has Gone Green

2007-07-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

The Big Monkey Comics Podcast is A-GO!

This is the one in which I attack Ben, Skrulls, a Scot and a Queen all in the same breath and find a new use for Plastic Man.

Of, yeah. These people were there, too.

This is also the podcast in which Jon Carey waved sausage around and dared a man not to laugh.

No More Mourning Saturday Mornings

2007-07-23T09:38:00.001-07:00

Remember how awesome Saturday's used to be?

If you're in your mid-twenties, you probably don't. You were probably at a soccer game or a ballet.

If you're like me and of a... certain... age, you probably were having none of this. You were probably participating in that wonderful ritual of watching Saturday morning cartoons. You knew the drill, waking up before your parent(s), forgoing the brushing of teeth, heading straight for the kitchen in order to grab the biggest bowl in which to pour your milk and cereal in which to fortify yourself for the day's mind-blowing events.

Would they show "(Verb!) That's What Happening!" on today's Schoolhouse Rock? Would Batman and Robin be smart enought to defeat The Moon Man? Would this be the week my fave episode of Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends, "Seven Little Super-Heroes" would re-air? What new way would The Super Friends find to let The Legion of Doom escape this week?

Saturdays were kind of magical back then. I was allowed to be in my own world. I was allowed to be quiet. I was allowed to be myself. It was the one day where I was allowed the privilege of truly being a kid.

Of course, I had chores to do. Of course, I went swimming too but the unwritten rule was balance and in that balance, there was the opportunity to make the day what you would make of it.

Today, I work about six days a week and I am thankful for it but sometimes... well... you wish for Saturday.

Last Saturday, I got a little of it back.

I came to work with a Super-Friends DVD set in hand. We (Big Monkey Comics) moved in April and in order to give one of our new rooms a sense of "movement," we put a TV and a DVD player in there. What usually happens is that someone walks in, watches for a few minutes, while commenting on how great cartoons used to be and then they remember that they some appointment to keep and they move on.

This Saturday was a bit different. Two little boys came in with their father. Now, these two little boys are let's just say... active. They just always seem to be on. Their father has been away from comics for a few years and has started to dip his toes back in and really seems to be enjoying it. Plus, he's a Blue Beetle fan so he's aces in our book. While he was off in one of the other rooms, we noticed something we hadn't heard before while the little folks were in. Other than the TV, absolute quiet.

As anyone who has or has worked with little boys knows, absolute quiet means two things:

One: They've managed to knock each other out.

Or...

Two: They're plain up to no-good and they don't want anyone to know they're up to no-good.

Quietly, I walked into the room, ready for whatever the day would bring and I was completely and utterly charmed.

There they were, these two little boys, lying down, their chins in their hands. Little legs gently kicking in the air, absolutely quiet, enraptured by The Super Friends.

It was Saturday morning all over again.

---------------------------------------------------

Also, have you been wondering, like I have, what Ted Kord's been up to in the after-life? Find out at The Bugle's Planet.

The Return!

2007-07-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Recently returned from looting, pillaging and inappropriately fondling, The Viking Commando has returned to answer your burning questions or questions about burning sensations in the nethers.

Everyone's favorite Nordic-induced advice column, "ALL-OUT LIVING! with The Viking Commando!!!!!" has returned!

You know the drill:

Leave your questions and The Viking Commado will give you damned answers in a future post! No question too stupid! All answers as brilliant as only a Viking Commando can provide!

Remember, help is only within an axe-handle's reach.

Big Monkey Comics' Fan Fatale Featuring Black Canary

2007-07-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

Black Canary is AWESOME

On The Take: DC's October Solicitations

2007-07-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

The return of one of my childhood favorites, Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew!

DC, TAKE MY MONEY!

Booster Gold getting his drunk on with Jonah Hex....

DC, TAKE MY MONEY.

Hawkman versus Black Adam, drawn by Doug Mahnke....

DC, TAKE MY MONEY!

And, just when you think the month of October couldn't get any better....

Albino gorilla fighting featuring Wonder Woman as told by Gail Simone.

Crotchgate Re-Re-Opened

2007-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, simply wanted to give voice to the "inner fanboy" in us all. I wanted to have an outlet for that feeling one can only have from waking up on a Wednesday, knowing that it was "NEW COMICS DAY!"

I've written many posts on this here blog. I have surprised myself, even, with the depth of feeling I've managed to put across in some of these posts.

Some of these posts I've slaved over and worried about whether or not they were good enough for you all to not think me a madman.

Overall, I have been happy with nearly every word I've put down and sometimes, I have managed to write up to that "NEW COMICS DAY!" bar that I've set for myself.

I have no issue in telling you this, dear reader:

I am a proud man.

Why?

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007.

I provided no insight to anything. I simply posted two pictures and provided these five simple words, "Somebody lost their tube sock."

In less than one week, I have received more hits from the posting of a bulge than I had the whole month of May and June, combined.

Thank you, America!

Thank you, Brazil!

Thank you, Ireland!

Thank the world!

Thanks for loving the c*ck as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you!

19 Questions And 1 Statement

2007-07-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

1. Black Canary had an ex-husband? (Black Canary #1)

2. *pffft*!

3. Isn't had to believe that in sixty years of existence and a previous solo series and a re-surgence in Birds of Prey and JLofA, that it's taken this long for Black Canary to recieve a new series?

4. Isn't nice to see Black Canary artist Paulo Siqueira draw kids as something other than short people with round heads?

5. DC, why would you give away the new Batman and The Outsiders line-up in a house ad, a month before the Outsiders: Five Of A Kind weekly event?

6. Did you know that if you bought Action Comics #851 in 2D, you lived a little less that day?

7. How cool was it seeing Power Girl try and literally go upside Supergirl's head? (Supergirl #19)

8. Wasn't last week's Supergirl, in she apologizes for being a jerk, just the sweetest thing?

9. How creepy is it that Athena just walks the streets looking for women like Harley Quinn? (Countdown #42)

10. Black Mary's getting kinda creepy, isn't she?

11. Are Trickster and Pied Piper the Booster and Beetle of the villain set?

12. Wasn't Green Arrow as a male Paris Hilton priceless? (Green Arrow: Year One #1)

13. Wasn't it great to that despite all that, writer Andy Diggle still showed he possessed the moral center to become a hero?

14. Wasn't John Stewart's assessment of The Green Lantern's battle with The Sinestro Corps exactly what needed to be said? (Green Lantern #21)

15. After reading Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps #1, Green Lantern #21 and Justice Society of America #7, Geoff Johns is truly back in fine form, isn't he?

16. How wild was it seeing Superman nonchalantly eating Sloppy Joes in an insane asylum? (Justice Society of America #7)

17. How cool was it seeing The Justice Society of America's former leadership thinking they were helping out Citizen Steel by giving him what he wanted?

18. How much cooler was it seeing Power Girl, not tip-toeing around Citizen Steel, zeroing in on the problem aand giving him what he needed?

19. Aren't we glad that The Lightning Saga's over so that we can have more stories like this one?

20. She's gonna make a great leader, ain't she?

Forged Identity

2007-07-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

You know what makes this page from Justice Society of America #7 so damned awesome?

Is it:

A. The Justice Society's former leaders banding together to help a new member.

B. The return of the Steel legacy to the DC Universe.

C. The brilliant page composition of artist Dale Eaglesham.

D. Hawkman wears his freakin' Hawkman mask under a welder's mask while wearing his huge ass wings while working a forge!

The answer is D.

Why would Hawkman wear his mask under a mask?

Don't ask.

He's HAWKMAN.

Crotchgate Re-Opened

2007-07-10T10:00:00.001-07:00

Someone lost their tube sock.

Kyle Rayner: ADULTERATED!

2007-07-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Taken from JLA/Avengers #4

In light of Iron Man's involvement in Civil War & his formation of The Thunderbolts and Kyle's becoming Parallax, hindsight makes this panel JUST that much creepier.

Bleed For Me

2007-07-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

Rom The Spaceknight could... COULD but not definitely... also be a Skrull.

*ahem*

After reading this week's Countdown #43, I remembered that I wrote this like SIXTEEN MONTHS AGO!!!!

I know stuff.

Six months ago, I said they'd blame it all on Skrulls.

At the time I was joking, though.

I'll Try.

2007-07-04T11:02:00.001-07:00

Taken from Uncle Sam and The Freedom Fighters #6

"If you can't believe in yourself then believe in me!" - Uncle Sam

Legacy Heroes

2007-07-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

After reading last week's Blue Beetle #16 with its "oh-so-WONDERFUL!" appearance by Traci Thirteen, I wondered, "How does it feel to create a character and watch someone else teach it to walk?"

Let's again look at Traci. She was created four years ago in the pages of Superman #189 by writer Joe Kelly. Joe Kelly has written, at one time or another, Superman, Superboy & Supergirl along with stops at Daredevil, X-Men, Deadpool & JLA.

Pretty impressive resume'.

I admit, at the time, his creation of Traci Thirteen, the daughter of "not-seen-in-years" ghost breaker, Dr. Thirteen, seemed a bit out of the ordinary. She was a legacy to a character without any sort of true legacy. It was a bit like giving Vibe a brother.

Once Kelly left the Superman title, Traci pretty much disappeared for three years into that place where all "forgotten heroes" reside.

That was until last year's Tales of The Unexpected. The unexpected happened.

Brian Azzarello, whose runs on Batman and Superman, respectively, didn't exactly set superhero fans hearts aglow, did the impossible, breathing new life into 9 of DC's neglected heroes, chief among them, Dr. & Traci Thirteen.

Under Azzarello, Traci developed a can-do attitude seemingly trademark of DC's blonde 'tweens, Wonder Girl, Stargirl and Supergirl.

Last week, I read as Traci Thirteen walked into the pages of Blue Beetle, smack-talked Eclipso's crazy ass damned near to death and made a book that was already one of my favorites even better.

"How does it feel to create a character and watch someone else teach it to walk?"

I imagine it must feel pretty good to create anything, period. I imagine it must feel even better to see it grow and become better than you could have imagined, at the time.

I mean, Bob Kane may have created Batman but I believe that we're all in agreement that he didn't ultimately create Batman. Others did.

Other creators came in, crafting onto the character bits and pieces, helping it go on to what it is today.

In that and Traci Thirteen, I just might have found why I love DC Comics so much.

The act of creation and its inherent acceptance of possibility just may be DC's greatest of legacies.

19 Questions And One Statement

2007-07-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry! Last week kinda got away from me. Here we go!

1. Are you still as disappointed in Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #13 as I am?

2. Jimmy Olsen's a bit of a douche, isn't he? (Countdown #44)

3. In the midst of a war, when'd Holly have time to get hair extensions?

4. Have the words, "Welcome home, Holly." ever been more of a clarion call for slash fic?

5. When did Captain Atom start speaking like Magneto?

6. When's Keith Giffen coming on to do layouts and art continuity?

7. Was there ever a more clever title for a comic than Blue Beetle #15's? (Blue Beetle #15)

8. Wasn't Jaime's deepest desire the greatest thing ever?

9. Like a freshly picked strawberry, doesn't Traci 13 make everything just that much sweeter?

10. Were you as annoyed by Wonder Girl and Supergirl's actions as I was? (Teen Titans #48)

11. So, Nemesis doesn't mean "idiot?" (Wonder Woman #10)

12. Is Nemesis the enemy of women writers?

13. Do you know what I liked most about Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps #1? (Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps #1)

14. Was it actually seeing Kyle, Hal and John in an actual Green Lantern Corps comic?

15. Was it Guy Gardner's good-bye to Superboy-Prime?

16. Was it artist Ethan Van Sciver's drawing a bit of age on Kyle especially after everything that's been done to him over the past year?

17. Heck, was it the sheer love of everything Green Lantern Van Sciver showed in every line he laid down?

18. Was it the sheer evil of why Kyle's mother never got better?

19. Was it the "no-good-will-come-from-this-ness" of the last page?

20. No. It was this... perhaps the single greatest comic panel of all time... a villain... Superboy-Prime, encased in a panel-within-a-panel, simply saying, "Heh." How... villainous.

What can I say? I enjoy "meta."

Big Monkey Podcast Is Techno-Active!

2007-06-26T10:04:00.001-07:00

The third Big Monkey Podcast is now LIVE!

Highlights of the podcast include a discussions on The Legion of Super-Heroes, the relevancy of The X-Men in today's comic book marketplace and HeroClix!

In this podcast... I AM THE DOG OF WAR!

The World's Greatest Detectives In: Case Closed

2007-06-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

Taken from Robin #163.

Special thanks to James (Yes, My Real Name Is) Rambo for the Photoshop help.

19 Questions & 1 Statement

2007-06-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

1. After reading this month's Action Comics, Supergirl, Supergirl and The Legion of Super Heroes, this month's Brave and The Bold and the solicits for September's Teen Titans, can we agree that Supergirl has replaced Jesse Quick is "The Most Ubiquitous Woman Alive?" (Brave and The Bold #4)

2. When did Donna Troy become... competent and dare I say... kinda kick-ass? (Countdown #45)

3. Who in their right mind knew Egg Fu could become one of DC Comics' creepiest of characters? (Checkmate #15)

4. Who would win a contest of creepiness: Egg Fu or Marvel's MODOK?

5. With the return of Egg Fu and the return prominence of Giganta, Ares, The Cheetah, Circe & Dr. Psycho, can we all agree that Wonder Woman finally has a Rogue's Gallery worthy of her stature in the DCU?

6. Doesn't this just make you all giddy that Gail Simone is going to be able to tap into that on a monthly basis?

7. How does Adam Beechen keep coming up with newer ways to make Tim Drake cooler on a month-to-month basis? (Robin #163)

8. What the...? (Justice League of America #10)

9. What the... ?!?

10. WHAT THE F...?!?!?!?!?!?!?

11. All of this "Lightning Saga" craziness was to get him back?!?

12. On the last panel of this week's Justice League of America, whose face is that in the lightning rod?

13. Looks to me like, maybe, New Earth got the wrong Flash and Earth-One got the right one, huh?

14. Can we send Linda Park and the twins back?

15. So does this mean that Batman won't be disappointed for too long in The Flash's return?

16. I mean, how can one have an All-Flash #1 without Barry Allen?

17. If the ending to The Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #13 is true, the death of Bart Allen is one of DC Comics' greatest blunders ever. (The Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #13)

18. Huh. Was that Bart eulogizing himself on the last page of The Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #13?

19. Is that some kind of clue?

20. With Catwoman fighting crazy ex-Soviet super-villains and other insanities, why the HELL aren't you reading Catwoman?

The Viking Commando, Lady Cop & My Nose Vs. Philadelphia

2007-06-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Last week, I spent three whole hours at Wizard World: Philly and somehow managed to walk away with no sense of smell.

Yes, you read that right. I lost my sense of smell after spending three hours in Philadelphia.

Some would view this as a blessing, not having to smell that smell only tens of thousands of fanboys can generate in one enclosed space but what I miss the most is me. I happen to smell exquisite, somewhat like freshly baked cake, actually.

You may bite me, if you like.

Don't worry because I'm not, it's already starting to come back, somewhat. I have many theories as to what could have happened.

One: This is all somehow part of God's plan to get me on Oprah.

Two: Somewhat like Marvel's Captain Britain, my power of smell is somehow tied into my proximity of my homeland. Washington, DC lashed out like a jealous woman, smacking me in the nose to get back at me for leaving her alone too long.

What did I see when I was there? Not much but some awesome things did happen while I was there.

While looking through long boxes, a fella to the right of me pulled out a copy of All-Out War #1 featuring The Viking Commando, saying this to his young son, "I've gotta pick this thing up. I read this guy's blog where this Viking guy was giving out advice."

I was that jackass telling you how to run your life. I've never been prouder.

Also while there, I checked every long box in the place looking for this:

Not a one to be found in the whole place. Oddly enough, the vendors who did have copies of First Issue Special were missing the sainted issue four.

Take that First Issue Special #11: Code Name: Assassin!

What'd I pick up while in Philly?

The infamous Supergirl "cannon/c*ck & b*lls" Adventure Comics cover.

Because, yes, I will actually be a twelve year old boy all my life.

Black Manta Presents... Rainy Days Can Be Fun!

2007-06-19T09:34:00.000-07:00

Taken from the back cover of Aquaman Vol. 1 Aug. 1965, Issue 22.

16 Questions & 1 Statement

2007-06-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

1. Wasn't Aquaman's handling of Black Manta absloutely the thing that makes comics worth reading? (Justice #12)

2. Or was it the scene where The Justice League is assembled over Paradise Island and there's Aquaman simply holding his son?

3. Or was it the Joker scene?

4. Has Wonder Woman ever looked more beautiful than when she looked at her worst?

5. "Super Friends?!?"

6. I don't know about you but I wouldn't mind seeing Jim Krueger do some more Justice League.

7. Maybe even the Justice League of America monthly?

8. So, will we ever actually see John Stewart, Hal Jordan or Kyle Rayner in Green Lantern Corps? (Green Lantern Corps #13)

9. Where is Kyle Rayner anyway?

10. If I get a pet, would it be animal cruelty to name it "Kid Amazo?" (JLA Classified #39)

11. Come on, Deathstroke! Did you really have to shove the sword down her frickin' throat?!? (Green Arrow #75)

12. Can I take this to mean that Geo-Force isn't in The Justice League?

13. Why do I even care?

14. How long do you think it'll take before Forerunner goes the way of Waverider? (Countdown #46)

15. You know things are getting interesting when Jason Todd & Donna Troy are the ones making the most sense in the DC Universe, right?

16. Were you as disturbed, as I was, by that... thing... Black Mary fought in this week's Countdown?

17. Why was Holly from Catwoman just hanging out in front of a porn director's brownstone?

"Forgotten" Heroes

2007-06-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

Ah, the comics of my mis-spent youth. In the mid-Eighties, DC Comics could get me to pick up nearly anything with an Eduardo Barretto cover.

I remember seeing the cover to DC Comics Presents #77, not knowing any of the characters on the cover (other than Superman, of course) but instantly falling in love with the leggy platinum blonde in the Daisy Dukes, the monkey and Aquaman's ugly dressin' cousin to the right of Superman. How could one not? They were after all rendered with grace by the sainted Barretto. From this cover and the story contained within, I learned about eight supposedly "forgotten" heroes:

Animal Man, Dane Dorrance, Dolphin, Rip Hunter, Cave Carson, Congorilla, The Immortal Man and Rick Flag.

With puberty some twenty years behind me, I thought we'd take a look at the status of The Forgotten Heroes:

Animal Man: 19 years ago, Animal Man was re-re-introduced to comic fans with a new series written by Grant Morrison. Morrison wrote the first 26 issues with critical and commercial success. Animal Man even went on to briefly join The Justice League. Animal Man is also one of the few DC Comics characters with the ability to cross between the DC and Vertigo universes. Animal Man was last seen playing a key role in DC weekly maxiseries, 52 and is also slated to be one of the main characters in the upcoming Countdown To Adventure mini-series.

Dolphin: After meeting Aquaman in the pages of his monthly, Dolphin had a brief romance with The Sea King. Later, Aquaman's former sidekick, Tempest, the former Aqualad, met and fell in love with and married her. They've since had a child and after an attack on Atlantis by The Spectre, her and the child have gone missing.

Rip Hunter: After aiding the bringing about of The Multiverse, Rip Hunter is due to play a major role in the upcoming Booster Gold series.

Dane Dorrance: After re-forming The Sea Devils, Dorrance has recently been seen in the pages of Aquaman.

Immortal Man: Killed during The Crisis On Infinite Earths, Immortal Man hasn't been seen since. Although, let's be real, wasn't Ressurection Man basically an Immortal Man series?

Rick Flag: Flag went on to head-up The Suicide Squad and after dying and not dying again, he's re-formed The Suicide Squad and is due to star in a new Suicide Squad mini-series.

Cave Carson: Recently seen in the pages of JSA helping rescue Sand from the earth's crust.

Congorilla: Formerly known as Congo Bill and once was the star of his own movie serial, he is also one of DC Comics' oldest heroes. He was later merged with a giant mystical golden gorilla and as we all know, nothing says DC Comics like a giant mystical golden gorilla. Since his stint in The Forgotten Heroes, Congorilla has starred in two Vertigo mini-series.

For a bunch of Forgotten Heroes, not too bad, huh?

So, my question to you is this:

"Which DC Universe characters deserve to be "forgotten?"

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor...

2007-06-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

Very special thanks to James Rambo for putting this together.

16 Questions And 1 Statement

2007-06-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

1. Does anyone hate Lois' hair in Superman as much as I do? (Superman #663)

2. Did you notice Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld in The Oblivion Bar in this week's Superman?

3. Isn't great to have the actual creative team back on Superman?

4. Are there any members of The Justice League who didn't meet when they were kids? (Detective Comics #833)

5. Wow! Was that or was that not how you write a damned comic book?!? (Detective Comics #833)

6. Know what made this week's All New Atom #12 so damned cool?

7. Was it the return of The Bug-Eyed Bandit?

8. Was it the return of a long-lost foe of The Atom's teaming up with The All New Atom in order to find Ray Palmer?

9. No. Lady Cop. Then again, I am kinda biased.

10. How cool was it that Supergirl writer Joe Kelly actually found a use for one of Donna Troy's many existences? (Supergirl #18)

11. Couldn't Jonah Hex's title be renamed Jonah Hex, Total Bad-Ass? (Jonah Hex #20)

12. After everything she's gone through in Checkmate, aren't you looking forward to the scene where Fire meets Ice, all over again? (Birds of Prey #107)

13. After everything he's gone through in Green Lantern Corps, aren't you looking forward to the scene where Guy Gardner meets Ice, all over again?

14. Won't it be sad when Ice finds out about Blue Beetle, Rocket Red, Booster Gold, Max Lord, Mister Miracle, Elongated Man & Sue Dibney?

15. So, can we call her "Black Mary" now? (Countdown #47)

16. Isn't it interesting that the ones The Monitors say are "the source of the virus" (Kyle Rayner, Donna Troy & Jason Todd) aren't refered to by their codenames anymore? (Countdown #47)

17. Really, is anyone shocked that Kyle Rayner is the source of a virus?

My Stupid Mouth

2007-06-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

The other day, I kept looking at Chris Batista's Nightwing, wondering why it seemed so oddly familiar.

Then, it came to me...

Nightwing, like John Mayer, hasn't been all that great, either.

15 Questions And 1 Statement

2007-06-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

1. Does anything say "brotherly love" more than kicking each other in the crotch? (Teen Titans #47)

2. Is it me or has Donna Troy become somewhat tolerable lately? (Teen Titans #47 & Amazons Attack #2)

3. Is it me or does JSofA artist Dale Eaglesham draw Superman extremely handsome? (Justice Society of America #6)

4. The mullet's from a different Earth? (Action Comics #850)

5. So,what does it mean for the universe when a god dies? (Countdown #48)

6. Wasn't Black Lightning's (a school teacher) offering to tutor Damage one of the things that makes The JSofA end of things the more entertaining of this JLofA/JSofA crossover? (Justice Society of America #6)

7.. How do you make Sportsmaster boring? (JSA Classified #26)

8. Weren't you glad to see an Amazon finally call Hippolyta on her s*&$%? (Amazons Attack #2)

9. Isn't it refreshing to see Justice Leaguers, Hawkgirl and Superman, refer to each other by their codenames? (Hawkgirl #64)

10. Could anyone unapologetically enjoy being a male anymore than Hal Jordan? (Green Lantern #20)

11. You do know that that logo The Flash is "resting" upon is Barry Allen's, don't you?

12. I'm really starting to warm up to the new Blue Beetle title. (Blue Beetle #15)

13. *sigh* Can we keep Chris Batista's art on Teen Titans for a little while longer? (Teen Titans #47)

14. If not, and the rumors are true, can he go to the other Titans title?

15. Isn't Batman and Superman's agreeing on a plan of action pretty much shorthand for "This conversation's done?" (Amazons Attack #2)

16. How true to form is it that Hawkman's last words in Hawkgirl #64 are "son of a bitch?"

What Is It?: Updated

2007-06-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Funny is what it is.

It's The Bugle's Daily Planet.

I'll be helping out, writing, every once in a while. Check it out and let 'em know what you think.

My Favorite Moments Featuring Bart Allen

2007-06-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've been often been asked (twice) why "Seven Hells!" on DC Comics so much. The answer is always the same: I can write about almost anything but really, what's better than writing about something you care about?

I have simply and deliberately come to care about the characters. Unlike other characters in other universes, the denizens of the DCU are effected by the worlds they occupy. Theirs is a world comprised of absolutes. At any given time, a glance at these characters will reveal absolute joy, absolute heroism and the case of one Bart Allen, the former Impulse, absolute heartbreak.

I have found no greater heartbreaking comic book moment than in Impulse #9.

To understand why this particular comic affected me the way it does, you have to know this particular character's origins.

Bart Allen was born in the future. A future that included a mother and grandmother who loved him dearly. The grandson of Barry Allen, Bart was born with a hyper-active metabolism that aged him so much that at the age of two, he appeared to be twelve years old. To keep his body & mind under control, his family placed him in a virtual world that kept up with his distorted sense of time. Bart Allen, when you get down to it, was a child with very special needs.

When these needs weren't being met within this virtual world, his grandmother, Iris Allen did the only thing she could think of: she sent him to the past where the only person who could help him was.

The Flash of the latter 20th Century, her nephew, Wally West. Overcome with sensory overload, Bart Allen entered The DC Universe absolutely out-of-control. Wally West, the only person able to keep up with this baby trapped in a teenager's body, did the only thing he could think of and hypershocked his cousin's metabolism into what passes as normal for a tweve year old super-speedster.

Now, you would think this would be where, Wally West, the former Kid Flash to Barry's Flash, the only one close to Bart's age who could sympathize with Bart's unique predicament, would take him under his wing.

No.

Wally couldn't deal with the responsibilites involved in raising his only cousin and sent him off to live with a family friend, the retired Golden Age speedster, Max Mercury.

Soon, they found themselves in Manchester, Alabama, about as far away from anything Bart could have possibly perceived as normal.

Enter from the future, fellow speedster and more importantly, cousin fellow teenager, Jenni Ognats, XS.

Finally, Bart had someone his age who knew what it was to have to slow down for a world that crawled where he was inclined to sprint. The funny thing about Jenni was that while in the past all she ever wanted to do was slow down and take things in.

Despite that, Bart comes to the realization that he isn't as alone in this world as he'd once thought.

Bart finally finds kinship in someone who understands the rush involved in being an Allen.

And as quickly as the belonging comes, lonliness revisits at super-speed.

Bart, alone again, does for his cousin the one thing he can't quite ever seem to do for himself: he collects his thoughts, writing them down in a letter.

A letter, he can only hope finds the one person who might understand this thing he is going through.

I have no shame in telling you, I didn't realize it until I heard the wet plop. I had actually teared up while reading a comic book. Without knowing it, I had absolutely fallen in in love with the medium, all over again.

Big Monkey Podcast Is A-Go!!!!

2007-05-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

The first Big Monkey Comics Podcast is up featuring myself*, Ben of Those Wednesdays, Jon Hex of Jon Hex Lives, Jon of Facedown In The Gutters and Scipio of The Absorbascon.

Thrill to my Orson Welles-like portrayal of Black Manta!

Shudder at the thought of Jon Carey podcasting, semi-drunk!

Listen to me tell Scip to shut up!

Be the first to listen to comics bloggings first super-group! We're like The Power Station and Jon is that dude on the drums.

*I can't be held responsible for what happens to you after listening to the amount of "kick-ass" running through your speakers.

Earth Shattering: The Club Mix

2007-05-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Looking back at the previous post, I think I was a bit tad too cryptic... or people actually are that interested in Dawnstar's crotch.

What I was actually aiming for was the fact that we've been looking at things all wrong.

After the re-inststement of The Multiverse within the pages of 52, we've all thrilled at the possibilities involved in having 52 Earths. We've regained Earths 10, 2, 4, 50 and so on, but somewhere in there, one question went unasked.

"Where's Earth-1?"

Some said Earth One was "New Earth," the event horizon for events such as 52, Infinite Crisis and Identity Crisis.

I say that is wrong. "New Earth" is simply New Earth.

Earth-1 has come and we've been looking at it all along. The first clue and most important clue was found in Justice League of America #0.

This is The League of Earth-1.

Notice how the Big Three end at the logos? Logos, with characters constantly going between revamps, nowadays are a dead giveaway in regards to timeline.

Notice how they quite non-chalantly mention The Flash as if he were still around? That's because he does. Did you really think they were referring to Bart Allen? Earth-1 exists as a pre-Crisis Earth-1 where Dawnstar lives alongside other wiped-out-of-existence Legionnaires such as Blok. Where Jimmy Olsen can become Elasti-Lad without even thinking about it. "New Earth" Jimmy has only displayed the ability to become elastic once in post-Crisis history.

Earth-1 is a world where Despero appears as he did pre-Crisis On Infinite Earths, tunic and all.

Earth-1 has been insinuating itself on New Earth. Not every knows this, though.

Especially "Bowtie Earth-1 Jimmy Olsen." The most telling clue is his surprise at going elastic. "New Earth Jimmy" doesn't do anything but bitch, moan and take jobs from Superman's other pal, Clark Kent.

"Bowtie Earth-1 Jimmy" shouldn't exist on New Earth. The Monitors know this and therefore...

Earth Shattering

2007-05-24T08:56:00.001-07:00

I asked myself, "What the hell is going on on New Earth?!?"

The Justice League of America are looking at old photos of a meeting with The Earth Two Justice Society of America.

Jimmy Olsen can, again, become elastic.

Despero's appearance has reverted back its original horizontal fin and tunic look over his "Savage Dragon-lite."
Dawnstar, a character who hasn't appeared since The Crisis On Infinite Earths, has returned in the pages of Justice League of America.

Suddenly, it, no pun intended, dawned on me. I've been asking the wrong question. It shouldn't be "What the hell is going on on New Earth?"

After watching Jimmy Olsen become Elastic Lad, the return of The Legion in their Pre-Crisis uniforms, retro-Despero and old JLA/JSA photos, the question we should be asking is:

"What does Earth One want with New Earth?"

27 Things Right (Again or All Along) With The DC Universe

2007-05-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

After reading this, I was inspired to list 52 things right with The DC Universe. Here are 27.

1. Ra's al Ghul is dead.

2. Still dead.

3. Bruce Wayne adopted both Tim Drake AND Dick Grayson.

4. Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon are the same age now.

5. No matter what the 80's might have shown you, keep it that Batman & Dick Grayson actually like AND respect one another.

6. John Constantine's last DCU appearance was in a Kyle Rayner comic. There's something beautiful and pathetic going on there.

7. The occasional Swamp Thing reference. Used sparingly, it makes the DCU just that much weirder.

8. Jason Rusch's Firestorm. Shows you what Firestorm could have been if Ronny Raymond cared.

9. Detective Comics actually being DETECTIVE Comics again.

10. Don't change the fact that Mon-El planted the seeds that led to The United Planets. It's one of the most brilliant pieces of retconning ever conceived.

11. The Sinestro Corps. The Green Lantern Corps should have an evil equivalent.

12. The Green Lantern Corpse. The Green Lantern Corps should have a team to address The Sinestro Corps.

13. Mr. Terrific's constant referencing of himself as "The Third Smartest Man In The World." It keeps him humble even though in our hearts, we all know better.

14. The Brave and The Bold. The DCU is a HUGE place. There should always be a team-up title.

15. Batman's treatment of a teenaged Blue Beetle in The Brave and The Bold #3 showed him as a father who also happens to be Batman. Let's have more of that.

15. Keep Starfire in space. She works great as DC's Barbarella.

16. Taking Sgt. Rock away from Vertigo and putting him back where he works best, in the DCU Universe.

17. Big Barda's nonchalance concerning her husband's current "death." She knows that cheating death is what he does so, why worry?

18. Alan Scott's departure from Gotham City signalled its gradual decline.

19. People in The DC Universe get to smoke cigarettes.

20. Mr. Bones is a cigar smoking skeleton.

21. After two stints in The Teen Titans and one in The Freedom Fighters, Damage is where he belonged the whole time: The Justice Society of America.

22. Rebranding classic DCU titles. The name "Showcase Presents" being used as a banner for classic black and white reprints, "Who's Who in The DC Universe" becoming a toy line, "Secret Six" repurposed as a rag-tag team for "forgotten" & "lost" super-villains. Rebranding gives these classic titles new life while maintaing a sense of nostalgia.

23. Having every Justice Leaguer takes an oath on the cloak of the DCU's first costumed hero, The Crimson Avenger.

24. In Robin, Cassie Cain, the former Batgirl, is still crazy.

25. Wonder Woman co-founded The Justice League of America.

26. Jonah Hex, in the past, remembers the future.

27. Hex's ending.

Hey, kids! Add your own!

19 Questions & 1 Statement

2007-05-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

1. An olive with two pimentos? ( Aquaman: Sword of Atlantis #52)

2. Where's Firestorm, The Nuclear Man?

3. Who in their right mind wouldn't acknowledge Batman as THE alpha-male? (Batman #665)

4. You really don't ever want to be on Tim Drake's bad side, do you? (Batman #665)

5. Are you as excited as I am that Sean McKeever's going to be writing The Teen Titans?

6. Jimmy, did Lucy Lane return your bowties? (Countdown #50)

7. How bad are things in The DCU when the only one making sense is The Joker? (Countdown #50)

8. The Rogues know how to get down, huh? (Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #12 & Countdown #50)

9. When'd Mary Marvel get so... jaded? (Countdown #50)

10. How clever are those Countdown UPC boxes that countdown along with Countdown?

11. You are reading Countdown, right?

12. Does The Multiverse negate Hypertime?

13. Things aren't looking so good for ol' Bart, huh? (Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #12)

14. Could Superman possibly be any more of a man than he is? (Action Comics #849)

15. Power Girl and Hawkman?!?!?!?

16. When did Mr. Terrific become T.O. Morrow? (Justice League of America #9)

17. Catwoman just may be DC's best monthly comic.

18. Are you as done with All-Star Batman & Robin as I am?

19. OK, am I the only one absolutely floored by artist Ale' Garza's belt designs in this week's Supergirl #17?

20. Is there anything more "DC Comics" than a "Supergirl vs. Supergirl" cliffhanger/smackdown? (Supergirl #17)

At-Risk Youth

2007-05-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

I keep hearing word that DC Comics is going to bring back The Suicide Squad.

Who knew we've always had one?

Danny Chase
Aquagirl (Tula)
Pantha (Rollin' on...)
Wildebeest
Superboy
Lilith
Golden Eagle
Gnark
Terra (but isn't dying kinda what she does?)
Donna Troy (but no one cares.)
Duela Dent, The Joker's Daughter
Joto
Jericho
Raven
Robin (Jason Todd)
Kid Frankenstein
Osiris
Hawk
Dove (Don Hall)
Dove (Dawn Grainger)
Supergirl (I know. Which one?)
Kole

Teen Titans: Like The Suicide Squad, only with a higher mortality rate!

19 Questions & 1 Statement

2007-05-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

1. Would Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson make a better Black Adam or Captain Marvel?

2. According to Grant Morrison, Animal Man is only "on loan" to DC Comics?

3. So are all of those previous Wildstorm/DC crossovers now in-continuity?

4. Could any other characters possibly be any more sexier than Lady Blackhawk or Blackhawk?

5. Was it me but when Batman, I would add, wearing his '70's light blue cape, cowl, gloves & boots, smiled at Hawkgirl in issue 63, didn't it seem oddly comforting?

6. Where's Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld?

7. Did you know that one of The Fourth World's greatest concepts, The Source Wall, wasn't created in the DC Universe proper? (Courtesy of Ben)

8. Weren't the 52: Exit Interviews on Newsarama extremely informative?

9. Wizard, could you please stop ripping off gags from The Absorbascon?

10. Was there ever a back-up story more suited to be a lead than Dr. 13's in Tales of The Unexpected?

11. Black Manta is DC's version of sugar, isn't he? (Tales of The Unexpected #8)

12. May we please have some more Team 13?

13. Wouldn't Infectious Lass and Lady Cop be the greatest issue of The Brave and The Bold ever?

14. We need more back-up features and less decompression.

15. Is it safe to read Nightwing again?

16. Aren't you glad that we don't live in a time where Iron Man vs. Hawkman doesn't seem so one-sided anymore?

17. You know Hawkman would win, right?

18. Doesn't the ending to Countdown #51 only make you want to read The All-New Atom just that much more?

19. Everyone flirts with The Black Queen except for Batman, huh? (Outsiders #47)

20. Shouldn't I name my firstborn "Kid Amazo?"

Multi-versed*

2007-05-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

With the revelation in 52 #52 of an all-new Multiverse, we here at "Seven Hells!" thought we'd show at least one of the Earths that didn't make the cut...

Ladies and gentlemen, Marvel at Earth 90!

On this earth, all there is is the sound of...

GUNFIRE, THE AURAL ASS-ASS-IN!!!!!

"He is a weapon." A douchebag is a weapon?

In a world fraught with danger, you need a man willing to wear a wifebeater while throwing out the rulebook. In these dark times, you need a...

LOOSE SMURF!!!!!

In this world there is no Justice, only....

EXTREME JUSTICE!!!!!

Earth 90!!!!!!!

A world where Blue Beetle lives to kick your azz anutha day was brought to you by the fine folks who also brought you...

BATMAN...!!!!!

...and SUPERMAN WITH A MULLET!!!!!

*Note: This is to be read whilst listening to the opening strains of White Zombie's "More Human Than A Human."

19 Questions And 1 Statement

2007-05-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

1. How brilliant was it in 52 #50, Captain Marvel's going and doing exactly what a teenager would by changing Black Adam's password?

2. Is it just me but why is it so much easier to stomach The Dibneys as mystery-solving ghosts than as members of The Justice League?

3. If I can buy Mr. Terrific as a member of Checkmate & The Justice Society of America, why am I having such a hard time accepting Batman in JLofA and The Outsiders?

4. So, is she still Batwoman after 52?

5. Did 52 #52 make you miss Ted Kord as much as I do?

6. Why does Earth 50 excite me more now than ever?

7. The Outsiders are kinda soft, aren't they? (Checkmate #13)

8. Is "Jimmy Olsen Must Die" comics' ecquivalent of "Save the cheerleader, save the world?"

9. Will we ever see a return of a kindler, gentler Wonder Woman?

10. Is there anything more simplistic "The Terrible Trio?''

11. Why'd they have to go and complicate it in this week's Detective Comics?

12. How crazy is it that in Doctor Sivana's world everything can be solved by eating a child?

13. Aren't you a little sad that 52 is over?

14. Where's Scott McDaniel going after Green Arrow wraps up?

15. Is it me or does Earth 2 kinda look... oversexed?

16. When are we going to get the ineveitable team-up of the Joker's Daughter, The Riddler's Daugther and Ra's al Ghul's daughter, Talia?

17. Who was DC Comics' first Post-Crisis superhero?

18. How wild is it that the future of The Multiverse is in his hands?

19. How cool is it that Zatanna works from home while wearing lingerie? (Superman #662)

20. The teaming up of DC's first super-hero, The Crimson Avenger with the DCU's youngest and brightest character, Stargirl is why I love, love, LOVE DC Comics. (Justice League Unlimited #33)

Legion of "Super-Heroes"

2007-05-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

While writing something else, I stumbled across something I'd never realized:

The real reason I could never get into The Legion of Super-Heroes.

Despite its having the name, "super-heroes" in its title, The Legion of Super-Heroes is anything but a superhero title.

It is a science fiction comic, first and foremost.

Sure, the things that make for good super-heroics can be found in the Legion's pages: alliterative names, costumes, but what it lacks is that one basic theme that makes a super-hero a super-hero.

By The Legion's very design, they are denied that one thing that makes a Superman, a Superman. A Batman, a Batman: pathos.

The Legion is all about "group-mind." Shared ideals that benefit all, a very social, very "Star Trek-ian" way of doing and thinking about things.

They lack the individual motivations needed in order to make the world a better place. There are no Joe Chills in their worlds, no mantles to pick up.

The Legion's motivation for doing what they do seemed to come more from lack of anything better to do than make the universe over into what they thought The Justice League would have wanted.

The Justice League, to me, seems more about helping mankind rise when, and only when,it falls. The best way of going about this is by allowing for a place where Batman, while working within a team dynamic, can still be be Batman, rough edges and all.

Sure, characters like Timber Wolf come in all growly and angry but what soon happens with these characters is that after an adventure or two, they start to have their rough edges smoothed over. The things that made them "them" are soon removed, revealing their personalities to be nothing more than affectation and/or loud cries for attention. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this also how you man a Federation starship?

Look, I'm not a sci-fi fan and never will be. I can appreciate sci-fi themes but most are lost upon me. Which I think is why I can't find the appreciation for The Legion most super-hero fans have.

Please, tell me, am totally wrong about The Legion?