Thursday, July 19, 2007


The Return!

Recently returned from looting, pillaging and inappropriately fondling, The Viking Commando has returned to answer your burning questions or questions about burning sensations in the nethers.

Everyone's favorite Nordic-induced advice column, "ALL-OUT LIVING! with The Viking Commando!!!!!" has returned!

You know the drill:

Leave your questions and The Viking Commado will give you damned answers in a future post! No question too stupid! All answers as brilliant as only a Viking Commando can provide!

Remember, help is only within an axe-handle's reach.


1. Is Thor the Earth 616 version of you or are you the Earth 1 version of the Thor of Earth 616?
Viking Commando,

It turns out that I'm the best Heroclix player and fastest runner at my local comic book shop. Everyone is jealous of how awesome I am, and I'm getting the sense that they all want to be like me. How do I help to shape America's youth in my image and yet retain my individuality?

Big Mike
What's a good way to let your roommate know they need to help out more with chores, that won't lead to awkward tension between the two of you?
Viking Commando:

I'm considering doing something with my investment portfolio. Despite the continued gains in the Dow Jones, I'm getting a bit nervous that the worm might turn soon and we could see a massive downturn. Should I move into safer short-to-medium term deposits, or do you think I'm wrong and I should remain in stocks, corporate bonds, and maybe even expand into something like futures?

Also, what's a pummelo?
Viking Commando,

My dog needs more walking. Can you help with that?
Viking Commando,

This weekend all my friends have made some time for pillaging and plundering the village one county over. However, my wife has reminded me that the lawn needs mowing. What should I do?
Dear Viking Commando,
There is a guy at our comic book shop who is such a sad sap that we let him win all of the Heroclix games and EVEN let him win our local footrace! Just to make him feel like less of a loser. Now he seems to be letting all of this go to his head. What should we do??
Viking Commando,

When pinned down by enemy fire, I often find myself ravenously hungry for the traditional comfort foods of my home fjord.

Do you have any pointers on how I could prepare a nice dish of lutefisk while hunkered down in a foxhole? Where does one find the lye to soak it in under those conditions?
2. Why did christopher number his sole question?
That isn't the question's number, thats its RANK.
Viking Commando,
Why haven't you made a comeback yet? I mean, Sgt. Rock just had that limited, and Enemy Ace and Unknown Soldier have done stuff at Vertigo, so aren't you about due?

If Balloon Buster gets a prestige special before you, I will lose all faith in god and man.

Dear Viking Commando,

I'm 15 years old and I've been reading comics for most of my life. There's this girl that I really like, but she seems to have feeling for a older, cooler guy who doesn't seem to read comics. What should I do?

Viking Commando,

My coworker constantly sends me crappy forwarded jokes and endlessly drones on and on about himself while I'm trying to work. I tried everything I could think of to discourage him, but he won't take the hint to stay at his own cubicle. If we have to meet in the company's Circle of Death, how would I be able to get around his longer reach and 100 pound weight advantage?
Dear Viking Commando

Why didn't you tell me you had herpes?
Dear Mr. Commando

I have lost the taste for battle. I no longer yearn to feel the warm spray of my enemy's blood splash against my skin or smell that deliciously smoky blend of burning wood and human flesh.

In the past I would have shared my feelings with my friend Barry, but the last time I sought your council, you advised my to cut out his tongue, which means he is no longer speaking to me.

I tried discussing this with a wise man who had made a study of the ways of the warrior's mind, but I became so confused by his use of words such as "existential" and "ennui" that I had no choice but to sever his head from his body and slaughter his wife and children to ensure that his bloodline would never again be able to mock me for my lack of an education.

So, I now turn to you Viking Commando, whose wisdom I admire and whose judgment I respect. What can I do to rebuild the bloodlust that is the trait of every true warrior? And if it involves pills, can you suggest a wise man who can provide me with a prescription without causing me to fly into another fit of murderous child-killing rage?

Yours Gratefully


PS Gail will show us the way!
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