Thursday, June 29, 2006
The "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints Induction Ceremony
Oh, my God!!! Could you have a better time than the one I had last night? In the dead of the night, I get this call saying to show up at The Hub City Friar's Club for the "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints" Induction Ceremony. I get there and the freakin' Crazy Quilt is working the front door! The Friar's Club knows there's comedy gold in having his crazy ass work the line. The "whupping Jason Todd's ass" jokes just kept on coming.
I walk through the Friar's Club door and the party's already in full swing. All of the guys were swarming in the middle of the ballroom, apparently the new Batwoman was there, along with Renee Montoya, Maggie Sawyer and Holly, the new Catwoman. The ladies were just eating soup and paying the guys no mind but the guys just couldn't take their eyes off of them.
Power Girl walked in in a white low-cut number. Obsidian basking in his new gay, kept asking her who she was wearing. He then proceeded to squeeze her left breast like Issac Mizhari did to Scarlett Johansson. Alan Scott may be mourning two children soon if Obsidian doesn't wake from his coma. Damage and The Human Bomb upon seeing PG in her dress both simultaneously exploded. Crazy Quilt and Doctor Midnight kept asking what happened.
The ceremony began soon after Jay Garrick and Superman rebuilt the hall. Anyway, up on the podium were the night's inductees Hawkman, Lady Cop and Kyle Rayner. Wildcat couldn't be there as he'd already commited to taking Ma Hunkel out to dinner weeks before. Mr. Terrific read a nice note from Wildcat, thanking us for thinking of him.
Geoff Johns was there to induct Hawkman into The Council of Saints. Before Johns could say a word, Hawkman picks up his mace and proceeds to trash the stage! You know what he did next?!? Walked off the f*****' stage without saying... a... word! He is such a rock star!!!!
Next up was Liza Warner, Lady Cop. Renee Montoya had the honor of inducting her. She spoke about how Liza had been an inspiration to her... blah blah blah... she was speaking lesbian. Lady Cop stood up (She's smaller than I thought, I'd say on a good day she might be 5'5") and delivered a rousing lecture on VD prevention, all the while, keeping her eyes locked on Kyle Rayner. Every woman in that room gave her a standing ovation.
Lady Cop somehow managed to bump her head while standing still.
Next up was my boy Kyle Rayner, there were no Green Lanterns there to induct him so he had to induct himself. Kyle was a little drunk and started off by telling us the story of "Chicken Little." Just as Batman was about to pull Kyle off the stage, out of nowhere, Kyle grew some balls and shoved The Batman! Kyle walked back to the podium, got really quiet and thanked everyone for the opportunity to learn from them, to fight for something greater than himself. Superman began to clap and everyone else followed suit. Kyle just kind of smiled and walked off the stage. Power Girl went to hug him. His balls are healing nicely.
Blue Devil ended the night with a prayer and Ambush Bug brought the house down, wheeling out the stuffed corpse of Jonah Hex.
A fun night was had by all.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
What I'm taliking about is a character we've all sort of adopted as the ultimate expression of our respective blogs' "mission statement." Our own personal "patron saints," so to speak. So today, I am asking you, the blogosphere, to help me do something long overdue:
Canonize characters into "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints. Starting with...
Hawkman: This blog is named for Hawkman's favorite expression, "Seven Hells!" Hawkman has no superpowers, often goes shirtless and carries a mace for the sole purpose of hitting people over the head. What's not to love?
Wildcat: He's old enough to know better but does it anyway, he's Wildcat! He wonders aloud where his next handful of ass is gonna come from, he's Wildcat! He gets drunk and sings too loud, he's Wildcat! He'll punch you in the eye, he's Wildcaaaaaaaat!
Lady Cop: Possessing a feminist sensibility and a thick skull along with an extensive knowledge of venereal diseases, Lady Cop recently had her own frickin' week devoted to her here on "Seven Hells!" I haven't been the same since.
Kyle Rayner: A good heart and a dim wit gets you a long way here on "Seven Hells!" Kyle's featured here every Wednesday showcasing an astounding case of the "self-awares,"and an innate ability to watch those he loves get killed and watch himself come out smelling like a rose.
There can be only one. Vote and vote often.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Superman Returns: Blogging's Easiest Review
I just got back from seeing a sneak preview of Superman Returns. I wanted to write some wonderfully detailed post but as I began to write, one single thought kept running across my mind:
I haven't felt this way after a movie since seeing Superman:The Movie as a six-year old in 1978.
I think that sums up my feelings pretty well.
Eye Know All
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Always Remember Kids...
Only Orion gets to ride The Astro-Glider!
THE POWER OF KIRBY!!!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
When I started doing the "Kyle" post they were done with the sole intent of making myself laugh once a week. And they did but in the process, something weird happened...
I've grown to respect Kyle in ways I never could have imagined. Dare I say it, Kyle has even become my favorite Green Lantern. I'll tell you why. He reminds me of something greater.
Kyle Rayner was never chosen by The Guardians for the job of Green Lantern. Unlike Hal Jordan. Not like Guy Gardner. Not like John Stewart. Kyle did the job when no one else could. And he he did this knowing that a crazed Hal Jordan had just killed every Green Lantern before him.
When other men would have crawled up in a ball and died after seeing their girlfriend stuffed whole into a refrigerator, Kyle didn't run. No, he got up and tried his damnedest to carry on the traditions of The Green Lantern Corps.
When the self-styled "Killer of Green Lanterns" Fatality came to kill Kyle for Hal's sins, he took her on, assuming full responsibility for another man's wrongdoings.
When Batman openly questioned Kyle's ability to do the job, Kyle quietly carried on the tradition of having a Green Lantern within The Justice League.
He did all of this for no other reason than someone had to do it. Kyle Rayner had no Guardians of The Universe to guide his hand. He had no Corps to back his play when and if he fell.
Today is another matter entirely, The Green Lantern Corps have returned in their own series, no less, stronger than ever. Hal Jordan and The Guardians of The Universe are back, better than ever.
There will be a Green Lantern in the upcoming Justice League of America title.
Kyle Rayner. Armed with nothing more than a weapon and a sense of right & wrong, Kyle held the f*ckin' line until something greater than himself could emerge.
Not Hal Jordan. Not Guy Gardner. Not John Stewart.
That's when it hit me in regards to someone holding the line and seeded the fields in unchartered territories until something greater came along...
Yeah, that's right. Kyle is The Green Lantern Corps' Jonah f*cking Hex, its' Mon'el. You've got your Hal, your Guy, your John back only because someone did the dirty work and held the line and seeded the fields.
Kyle is to The Corps what Hex was to The DCU, what Mon'el became to The United Planets.
So, the next time you read a Kyle Rayner-less Green Lantern, consider Kyle Rayner and his contributions to Green Lantern lore.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Big Monkey Comics Interviews Angry Youth Comix's Johnny Ryan
He's known for some of the most hilarious comics on the stands today. He's Johnny Ryan and he's reinvigorizing the "alternative" comics scene one joke at a time. Big Monkey Comics has him an interview where he talks about the state of the "alternative scene," his influences, and his latest collection, "The Comic Book Holocaust."
I invite you to look for this one and many more in the coming weeks as we bring more interviews with some of today's greatest creators like that guy who's going to write Justice League of America... or something.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Mad Cow Disease
Last week, Scip posed a rather interesting question to me, "Are cows the Marvel equivalent of the MONKEY?"
Interesting question, that. "Are COWS the Marvel equivalent of the DC MONKEY?
The list of DC's monkey/gorilla emissaries is a long and glorious one: (Heh! I said, "long and glorious.")
Bobo, The Detective Chimp (Leader of The Shadowpact)
Gorilla Grodd (Preeminent Flash villain)
Congorilla (Great White hunter who turns into a Golden ape)
Titano, The Super-Ape (Misunderstood Superman villain)
Sam Simeon of Angel & The Ape (Crime solving, comic book artist ape)
Beppo (Kryptonian monkey in a little Superman suit.)
Monsieur Mallah (Gay terrorist ape, I simply must work that into a sentence someday.)
Ultra-Humanite (Crazy genius albino ape, I simply MUST work that into a sentence someday.)
Yes, we put our monkeys on pedestals but at Marvel they do the same but with the cow.
Notable Marvel cows:
Bova (Hybrid cow who raised Magneto's children, Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch. Side effects of being raised by Bova are this: your daughter will marry her vibrator and destroy the world. Your son will constantly be short-tempered, acting creepier and creepier around his sister the closer she gets to puberty. Fair trade for being raised by a cow.)
Hellcow (Howard The Duck foe. A vampiric cow in a silken cape.)
Those Four Skrulls that Reed Richards turned into cows (Realizing that these four Skrulls were going to forever plague him, Mr. Fantastic hypnotized the shapechanging Skrulls, forcing them to turn into the most content animals on Earth, dairy cows. They later got milked, ground up, turned beef, sold. They know how to party, Grant Morrison-style, over at Marvel.)
My vast research involving the gorilla/cow conundrum has yielded these simple results:
DC fans, we do love us some monkeys. We had it hard-wired into our DNA. It is well known that DC's Silver Age editors believed that a monkey on a cover, regardless of context or actual story content, sold comics. Love of monkeys has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
At Marvel, the cow is viewed as benevolent, a nurturer, a level to be obtained. To view a cow as "evil" as in Hellcow's case, is the ultimate in obsurdity, hence its apperances primarily happening within a comic featuring a cigar chompin' duck.
At DC, a monkey just is what it is. Love of monkeys.
At Marvel, love of cows is much like a Marvel superhero's powers, best stumbled upon by accident.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Lady Cop Week: Day Five
What is it with these people and their purple shirts? Did Skeevy's Glen pirate population attack a ship full of pants, wifebeaters & t-shirts earmarked for color-blind orphans or something?
For a day in Hell. maybe.
"The Killer In Boots!"
Did this take place in an epic six-issue story arc?
That's all you got back in '75. 15 little pages.
It may not have been "epic" but you know what?
It held my interest for a week.
Labels: Lady Cop Week
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Where Is The Curry Heir? (Spoilers)
I've been sitting on this for two week's now but I just had to unleash this after reading 52 #6, Booster Gold upon entering the headquarters of Rip Hunter, Time Master is met with this chalkboard full of what you'd think would be the rantings of a madman. But no, it is far from that, if you doubt, read this.
Lady Cop Week: Day Four
One of my favorite comics of all time was G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #21 or "The Silent Issue" as it's come to be called. In it, Snake-Eyes, Joe's resident mute, disfigured ninja/commando silently infiltrates a terrorist stronghold through means of stealth. In the whole of the comics 22 pages, not one single word was spoken.
Picture this: "Pssst.... Manhunter, come here. I've got "crabs."
Who wouldn't read that comic?
Somehow, they managed to find... each other.
Labels: Lady Cop Week
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Lady Cop Week: Day Three
"I can't marry a working man..." Turn over and lay face first, man. There's a "surprise" in every box.
Lady Cop, you don't go looking for VD, it finds you. Just ask our girl in orange.
Lady Cop!!!! Quick!!! Get to her vagina before it explodes!!!
Lady Cop can even help "arrest" VD. Is there anything she can't do?!?
All I wanna know is how does Lady Cop know so damned much about VD? VD must be like her hobby or sumthin'...
My uncle, the dockworker told me so.
Tune in tomorrow as Lady Cop Week continues when G.I. Joe's Snake-Eyes joins us to teach us that knowing about VD is "half the battle."
Labels: Lady Cop Week
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Thor's Comic Column
Just in you were (or weren't) wondering what my thoughts on last week's Wonder Woman #1 are, check out CHUD: Thor's Comic Column to find out.
Here's the first paragraph to get you started:
The public has seen you slice The Man of Steel’s throat on live television. They’ve seen you kill a man in order to save the lives of others. Your gods have abandoned you. Those you once counted upon as you would brothers & sisters have come to view you with a scrutinizing gaze. The world someone else has made for you is questioning your very right to exist within its’ sphere. Where do you go when everything you’ve ever known’s been called into question and taken away from you?
Remove yourself from the situation.
Reinforce the foundations.
“One Year Later.”
That is exactly what DC Comics is doing with Wonder Woman #1, on sale now, one of the finest re-introductions of superhero iconography I’ve ever read.Read the rest and find other fine reviews over at CHUD: Thor's Comic Column.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Lady Cop Week: Day Two
Shit, yo! Bruce Banner's robbing the bodega!
Labels: Lady Cop Week
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Lady Cop Week: Day One
The next year will see the debut of Charlie's Angels, the way we view blondes holding guns at t*t level would never be the same again. Sensing a void in the comics field...
Enter comics visionary "Crazy" Robert Kanigher with the now infamous 1st Issue Special #4 featuring Lady Cop, a comic so wonderfully "slow", you just want to build a movie around it, have it ride the bench, score the winning goal and vote it Homecoming King, thick glasses and all...
"droppin' one-by-one--like cards!" Victims both of the nefarious and color-blind "Killer In Boots." When the police arrive, as Liza recounts the tale, one particular cop notes that she has "the camera eye of a born officer." That and she's already experienced at undercover work. Get it? She was under the bed, hiding? "Under cover...?"
What does saving the future cops of.... Y'know...? I don't know where the heck this comic's supposed to take place. It gets you roof duty in, for the sake of the story, let's call it... Skeevy's Glen.
Her head contains so much awesome-nosity the panel can barely contain it!
Come back tomorrow as Lady Cop Week continues with a special guest appearance from one of the denizens of The Marvel Universe...
Labels: Lady Cop Week