Thursday, December 14, 2006

Ten Heroes To Liven Up Your Holiday Party: Blackhawk


Imagine this conversation between Blackhawk and his creators...

Creators (Talking amongst themselves) : ...and then we'll have him wear one of those little floppy eared things like Hop Harrigan...

Blackhawk: Umm... hell no.

Creators (In unison) : Excuse us?

Blackhawk: I'm not wearing that. I'm a grown man. It's beneath me. I see myself in leather. Plush ebony leather.

(Creators all look at each other, shrug shoulders)

Blackhawk: Black leather jodphurs with an aviator jacket. With my logo on it. (Hands Will Eisner a piece of paper) Here's a sketch of my logo.

Clean it up a bit for me, why don't you? (Slaps him on the back.)

And riding boots! Yes! I must have black riding boots! Nothing impresses the ladies like jodphurs and riding boots!

And fellas... I simply must have a silk ascot to complete the ensemble, don'cha'know?

And sidekicks! Why, every good hero needs sidekicks.

I'll take six. With matching outfits, like mine.

Make that seven sidekicks. I want a lady version of me, only blonder with a black leather mini-skirt.

Why, fellas, this is going to be just grand! Just grand!

C'mon, boys! Snap to! (Smiles broadly, arms outstretched)

Can't leave a man here all day with his pecker dangling in the wind, now can we?!?

(Creators scramble back to their drawing boards)
(Blackhawk was nude the whole time.)

Sporting a black leather jacket and jodphurs and a white ascot, Blackhawk has appointed himself the ultimate accessory. Put him next to a pig in a dress and the pig looks like a prom queen. Put him next to Superman and the DC Universe shines brighter than a Bludhaven nickel.

Blackhawk looks and smells like George Clooney. Blackhawk will take your woman and make you write him a letter of apology for denying her of him.

Blackhawk is available and appropriate for every kind of gala, function, war or get-together.


12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know he was traditionally a WWI pilot, by why has there never been an Enemy Ace/Blackhawk air battle? I mean, I like Balloon Buster, but compared to Blackhawk he seems like Hee Haw.

The logistics of it, even with the Garth Ennis Enemy Ace series, are probably pretty dicey, but no moreso than any other crossover. And the conflict, even more than being on separate sides! Despite all the horror of war, Blackhawk is damn glad to be alive, while von Hammer is kind of looking forward to being dead.

Sorry to natter on, but great feature. I know you're a DC man, so I fully expect to see Metamorpho on here somewhere...

Scipio said...

I never liked Blackhawk.

Until today.

Anonymous said...

Googum can wait for Rex Mason. I, for one, am eagerly awaiting Mr. Jonah Woodson Hex himself in the bad@$$ flesh.

The Blackhawk I enjoyed th emost was the one that appeared in Action Comics Weekly. THAT was a man amongst men.

The Fortress Keeper said...

Brilliant.

Blackhawk has always been one of my favorite Golden Age heroes, and the George Clooney comparison has just sealed the deal.

Anonymous said...

I haven't enjoyed a post this much in a long time. Cheers.

Nick said...

Ah, Blackhawk. Men fear him. Women love him. He can have other men's women.

Devon said...

Thanks all!

SallyP said...

Blackhawk IS cool, but Zinda is even cooler.

Scott said...

Nah, not George Clooney.

John Barrowman, aka Captain Jack.

Anonymous said...

Captain Jack! That scott is a smart guy.

Anonymous said...

As a lad of about 10 in the early 80s, I accidentally bought a copy of a novel, "Blackhawk" by William Rotsler. It started with a standard origin for the Blackhawks, but if I recall correctly, the climactic scene of it involved Blackhawk tied naked to a swastika, being whipped by the Nazi villainess who was wearing naught but jackboots, and attended by twin swedish slaves, Olga & Una. A very worthwhile read if you can get your hands on it...

Al said...

Devon, I think you and Blockade Boy should have a team-up. It'd be awesome.