Friday, March 16, 2007

"Seven Hells!" New Earth Theatre Featuring Cheshire



Maury: We're back! I'd like for you to meet "Cheshire." Cheshire...

Cheshire (Jumping out of her chair) : Bring his ass out! Bring his ass out, Maury!

Maury: Cheshire... sit down... Cheshire claims that this man... (Audience starts booing.)

(Arsenal appears on screen, shaking his head, mouthing, "No! No!," over and over again.)

Maury: Roy, is the father of her beautiful daughter, Lian.

(Lian appears on screen, audience, "Awwwws.")

Maury: Cheshire, why is Roy claiming not to be the father of your child?

Cheshire: 'Cause he a l'il bitch, is why!

(Audience hoots and hollers)

Cheshire: Maury, look at her! Look at her! She look just like his broke ass!

Maury: Well, let's bring his "broke ass" out. Roy?

(Roy walks out to a chorus of boos and downturned thumbs)

Roy (in the Arsenal costume, middle fingers held high) : Oh, HELL NO! What's up, Maury. That bitch just wants me for my money!

(Cheshire runs at Roy, security tackles her.)

Cheshire: Trash, you ain't got no money! Your "daddy," Ollie* is the one with the money! If money was the case, I should have given this (slaps her bottom) to his goofy ass! Besides, I heard he likes to dip his plum sauce in the pho, anyway!

(Audience goes ape-shit)

(*Roy is the ward of Oliver Queen, The Green Arrow, who has two bi-racial children of, guess what... Asian descent.)

Maury: Roy, what leads you to believe that you aren't this child's father.

Roy (Pointing an arrow towards the screen) : Look at her, Maury! She don't look nothing like me! I got "good" red hair all over my body, she don't. I got some Indian blood in me, too. This child got Chinese eyes, I don't.

Cheshire (hissing) : I'm Vietnamese, asshole. Besides, what I want with a heroin addict?

(Audience gasps)

Roy (sneering) : Did she tell you that she used to be a prostitute? Anybody could be that baby's daddy.

Cheshire (sneering) : I was a slave, asshole! A SLAVE!!!!

Roy: Biiiiiiig difference. I just "hit & quit" like everybody else, Maury!

Maury: Well, let's find out for sure! Here are the DNA results... Maury (putting on reading glasses) : Roy... in the case of Lian....

Maury: YOU ARE THE FATHER!

Roy: Oh, Hell NAW! (Runs backstage to where Donna Troy is waiting.)

Cheshire (waving the results) : SEE?!? TOLD YOU! TOLD YOU! Yeah, bitch! I'ma get me some child support! I'ma start treating your ass like a terrorist nation!

Elsewhere in the world...

Killer Moth: Hey, Catman! Get your fat ass in here! You've gotta see this wild sh*t!

Catman: Coming! (walks into the room carrying a bag of Cheetos) What'd I miss?

Killer Moth: You'd know if you'd waddled your fat ass in here sooner. God! Look at you. You're pathethic! You've totally let yourself go. Geez, what woman'd want you?

(Catman winks)

4 comments:

Allan said...

Besides, I heard he likes to dip his plum sauce in the pho, anyway!

Heh. That's funny.

Jon said...

The only thing missing is the part where Roy shakes Maury's hand as he enters, as if he's meeting a Truly Great Man.

Oh, and the part where one of them is "a million percent sure" of the baby's parentage.

Other than that, note perfect and beautiful.

Blockade Boy said...

I kept trying to picture Roy in this scene and he kept winding up looking like K-Fed.

Scott said...

Shouldn't it be Roy hitting Cheshire up for the child support payments?