The shorthand of it all was rather brilliant.

Floating panda.

We were introduced to it through a floating... panda!

San Diego had fallen into the ocean and to emphasize the fantastic scope of it all, writer Will Pfeiffer shocked me into the fantastic.

Moments before, a city very much rooted in what we knew as reality, became irrevocably changed by a writer thinking it, "DC."

Victims of a powerful earthquake, San Diegoans suddenly were at the ocean's mercy, asking God to not let them die this way. Soon, the reality of it all set in. God did not let them go. The ocean wouldn't let them go, in fact, it embraced them.

Ordinary men & women suddenly found themselves thrust into a new world.

A world in which they, literally, breathed in the ocean.

Into this horror crept the realization that many of them were trapped into this with no warning and utmost in their minds, no way around this foreign land of floating pandas and curious fish.

That was until a lone man, born into this world, became their greatest ally, displaying why he was called, "king."

This city became the new domain of a hero, The King of The Seven Seas, Aquaman.

They panicked, they howled, they fought to get to the surface and he let the ocean do his bidding. The sharks kept the ones who tried to escape inside the ocean. The whales stopped dogs too wrapped in being dogs (not listening) from killing themselves. On the surface, the humans did what they could, tossing what animals they could back into the ocean.

Below, the king took their pain unto himself and delivered them news he'd heard himself many times before... they could never go home.

And with that, the ocean took their tears as surely as it had everything else.


This was Sub Diego.

This world was the stuff DC Comics were made of. A world into which Aquaman as king and character could thrive. A world where one ordinary San Diego girl becomes extraordinary, displaying the ability to breathe both above and below.

Sub Diego gave us Lorena Marquez, the current ( and IMHO, best) Aquagirl.

Sub Diego gave us an Aquaman at his very best, fighting to give the banished a sense of normalcy in a world without precedent.

This was a world without wizards and magical legacies set upon blonde haired children. This was world where mystical healing hands made of water were incorporated into the tapestry yet took a backseat to the needs of a new democracy suddenly beset with drugs.

It was a city. It was what DC did best.

The city became a character.

The city showed promise.

The city had stories to tell.

During 52: World War III, in what seemed to me, an afterthought, the stories were, I kid you not, "wished" away.

The story of Sub Diego ended as it began.

With tragedy... only minus the brilliance of a floating panda .

Labels: Greatest Missed Opportunies

When one thinks of missed opportunities, one (namely, me) may think of that one time Halle Berry stopped by Devon-Cave with her supermodel/cheerleader entourage to help them test out their new "neck massagers." I was, fortunately or unfortunately, out adopting babies from Sweden to bring back to America in order to replenish America's underburdened trailer parks.

I won't reflect on the loss of actress/supermodel/cheerleader fun I missed out on. Instead, I choose to be secure in the knowledge that I was doing good works.

Comics' missed opportunities rarely come back.

Halle always does.

At least to me.

Anyway, back to comics... I've been called "ornery." Like Yosemite Sam. It was a compliment.

In 1996, I learned the true meaning of the word. In the pages of Nightwing #1, I was introduced to Dudley Soames and created by Chuck Dixon was the most crooked cop in the whole of Bludhaven. The only thing more depraved than being the most crooked cop in The 'Haven would be The Red Skull's taking on Archie Andrews as a sidekick, naming him "The Li'l Panzer" and dropping him off at Black Adam's front gate.

I'm just sayin'.

Anyways, while serving in the Bludhaven PD, Soames receives the notice of Bludhaven's crime boss, joining his criminal organization while also becoming an informant for Nightwing.

Soames' ambitions ultimately proved too much for Blockbuster and he attempted to have him killed. Soames proved too much to handle even for Blockbuster and in a shocking turn of events took the crime boss' ailing mother hostage. Nightwing attempted a rescue but Blockbuster got there first. Blockbuster, enraged at Soames' hubris, grabbed the crooked cop by the neck and twisted his head around A FULL 180 DEGREES!!!

That wasn't enough to stop Soames. Evil like this doesn't just roll over and die.

Soames miraculously survived having his head turned around backwards and re-trained himself to see "forward" through the use of special glasses and mirrors. Re-naming himself Torque, Soames went about the business of regaining the city he once held in terror.

Now, how dedicated to being an asshole do you have to be to re-learn everything just so you can start more sh*t?

Very.

If he wasn't so damned evil, he'd be walking out to standing ovations on Oprah, like every week.

Ratings sagging? Bring back Dudley.

Blind kid learns piano with his feet, have Dudley escort him to the piano bench, watch the ratings double.

Instead, Soames chooses this to be the last thing you see before you die.

Soames went about the business of taking over Bludhaven, striking while Blockbuster lie bed-ridden from the heart transplant from a gorilla donor. Yes. You read that right. He chose to hit his man up while he recovered from a gorilla heart transplant. Nothing says DC Comics like "gorilla heart transplant."

Torque was eventually taken down by Nightwing and sent to jail but again, Soames won't roll over and die. Instead, he marks his time until he can plan his escape by... well, effin' with gen pop just because it brings a smile to his face.



And, what a smile it is.

Soames, ever the manipulator, found a way to break out of prison using the superstrong prison guard formerly known as the Batman villain, Amygdala. From there, things rapidly went downhill for Torque.

He got a new writer.

One so shockingly involved in the story they wanted to tell and seemingly lacking any desire to tie up plotlines they didn't feel like dealing with, simply... killed off... Nightwing's only arch-nemesis of note... and proceeded to take one of comics' more interesting titles down through the use of some of the most awkward storytelling paths ever conceived.

Soames was the perfect counter to Nightwing. Where Nightwing was brilliant and valiant, Soames was brilliantly vile.

Soames, if allowed to live, could have graduated to Batman villain status. On look alone, he had everything you look for in a Batman villain. He was utterly without morals and in the ultimate bit of irony, it lead to his becoming utterly twisted.

It all ended and for no good reason, at all. Damned, damned shame.

Just a total f*cking waste of a great, great character.

He deserved better.

I can't do much about changing the past but if I could ask for anything for Dudley (Torque) Soames, I'd give him exactly what he deserves...


You had me at, "I want this city on its knees to me!", you magnificently ornery bastard.

Labels: Greatest Missed Opportunies, Nightwing