Friday, March 31, 2006


What Would (Blank) Do?

I don't know if you know this or not but I'm a Washington D.C. native. There are many drawbacks to living in D.C., chief among them is that forty-five minutes away is Baltimore, Md. Baltimore is like this little sovereign state in hell with team sports.


One of the other drawbacks to living in DC is that we're subjected to other cities' local advertising. Just awful, awful stuff. We have this guy dressed like a judge, marking down things. His name? Mark Down.

They're wacky across that river.

So, imagine my surprise when I actually saw a clever commercial advertising Colonial Williamsburg. It starts with a Revolutionary War soldier sitting in a food court with a kid on either side, eating a corn dog. Suddenly, a bunch of young toughs surround him, telling him to get up. The soldier stands up, towering over the kids, leans into the kid, telling him something to the effect of, "I would think twice before laying claim to property that doesn't belong to you."

The kid backs down and leaves. On the next shot, the soldier is replaced with a smallish 12 year old boy chomping on a corn dog, his friends looking on in disbelief. Finally, one kid breaks the silence with a well-placed "Dude, that was awesome."

Who knew Virginia had it in 'em?

My question to you "Seven Hellions!" is this: which DC character would you become and what signature line of dialogue would you utter if faced with a similar situation?

I would be the guy on the left. The other guy is Baltimore.

Mark Down sells cars to the people of Northern Virgnia not to the people of DC. You forgot to add in the Honda Giant and Lady Luck, icon fixtures of the NOVA. You also forgot to add GO GMU!!!! Then again GMU is a NOVA thing.
I would so be PowerGirl but unforunately my line would be 'Eyes up here' before I punched them.
Not a comic book character, but I've always felt the way to react while being mugged is that suggested by Steve Martin: go crazy.

Pee your pants. Vomit on your money.

"Uh, we'll catch you next time, man. So long."
Dude, you mention Mark Down but leave out those godawful Eastern Motors commercials... what up wit dat? Oh and mine would have to take place at a convention during a tug of war over some trade paperback: "YIELD!" "NEVER!!"
Come on, those Eastern Motors commercials are classics. Whoever thought to rhyme "minivans" with "Are you listening, man?" deserves a Grammy.

Do DC characters even have signature lines? The only two I can think of are "By Rao" and "Merciful Minerva," neither of which would likely dissuade a bully who wanted my seat in the food court.
Baltimore is the City of Dis.

Baltimore is Vanity, the Intrinsically Evil City.

If Baltimore were in the DCU, it would be completely free of supervillain crime, because none of them would be caught dead there.

But sorry, chief; "Mark Down" wins hands down over "Kiss My Bumper"....
When faced with adversary, I reach deep down into the pit of my soul, and, channeling the great Golden Age Batman, I yell, "QUIET, or Papa Spank!"
To answer your question...

"Ow why did you punch me?"

"What are you retarded? I'm the god damn Batman!"
I'm kicking myself for not being able to remember the whole quote, but remember Hal's fight with Mongul after Coast City went boom? The whole, "But my WILL is something you can NEVER touch!" thing? Awesome line.

Anyone have the Return of Superman TPB handy so I can get a full quote? Not having any luck locating mine.
My only knowledge of Baltimore is from Homicide: Life on the Street. That John Munch guy is wildly entertaining.
Trust me, I've been to Baltimore. It ain't Opal City. Geoff Johns, I think, has only seen Baltimore's waterfront. It's actually more Homicide: Life On The Streets, The Wire and The Corner.
I actually sat behind Mark Down when David Simon and Richard Price came down here to Richmond to talk about writing The Wire. Had I known your comtempt, I would've pulled a Jonah Hex in your honor, Devon.

The true beauty of that actor, though, is the performance he gives in a PSA that runs at the local dollar theatre here, the Byrd. It's truly magnificent, in all its mid-80s, Cosby-sweater glory.

"This trash shouldn't be in movie theatres!"

Brav-o, I say (choosing to add a slow clap). Brav-o.
Yes, and now Baltimore's team sports aren't even very good either.

On the other hand, Baltimore's criminal mayors tend not to be caught on tape.
True, true but dammit, Mayor Barry was at the very least, entertaining.

Much more entertaining than that dirty ol' man former mayor and current comptroller Schaeffer.

To paraphrase Chris Rock, "Hey, kids. You can't be anything if you do drugs."

"I could be mayor."

We OWN that s***.
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