Saturday, April 21, 2007


All In!

We all need a little help & comfort, sometimes. Some find help in prayer. Some find comfort in the counsel of a trusted friend, loved one or colleague.

Sometimes, this just isn't enough.

"Seven Hells!" is here to help.

Next week, "Seven Hells!" provides a place for the lost, the lovelorn. People who want answers...

"Seven Hells!" has the one man who'll give them to you in a manner in which only he can...


The Viking Commando
returns to "Seven Hells!" in an advice column we could only call...

"ALL-OUT LIVING! with The Viking Commando!!!!!"

Please, leave all of your questions pertaining to life, love, business, looting/pillaging, etc. in the "Comments" section of this post and The Viking Commando will answer as many as he possibly can at week's end.

"ALL-OUT LIVING! with The Viking Commando!!!!!"

Help is within an axe-handle's reach.


Dear VC,

I have a dilemma. A comic series I do like is having a crossover with one I really, really don't. I want to read "the whole story", because I think half of it might be fun, but I don't want to support a writer and artist I think is terrible. Do I bite the bullet and buy the whole thing, skip it entirely, or just get the issues I want?


Troubled In New York

p.s. Who would win in a fight: The Justice League turned into Apes or The Avengers turned into M.O.D.O.K.s?
Dear Mr. Commando

I recently took part in the pillaging of a nearby village. As is the custom during such an event, I burned downed many homes and slaughtered many people. Near the end of the day, I came upon the final hut to remain untouched by my people's savage hands and, knowing it would serve as poor precedent if I allowed it to remain standing, went inside to see if there was anyone left for me to slaughter.

There I found a young married couple who sat terrified and weeping in each others arms. I promptly decapitated them, only to hear the sound of a child whimpering nearby. After some investigation I found a young girl hidden underneath a pile of loose furs. I was about to do to her what I did to her parents when I--in the darkness of the hut--noticed that she had red hair and green eyes.

Seeing this caused me to hold my blade, as my father used to always say that a pillager should never slaughter a red-headed, green-eyed child or else they risked a lifetime of bad luck. Knowing he was the wisest man I ever knew, I threw the welp out of the hut and sent her on her orphaned way, just before I burned down the only home she ever knew.

Since then I have been bothered by two concerns for which I would appreciated your vaunted advice. The first is that as I let the child escape from me unharmed, my fellow pillager, Barry, appeared from out of nowhere and saw it happen. Since then he won't stop calling me Lil' Miss Wussypanties and Susie McSissybottom, and I was wondering just how violently I should make him suffer to get him to stop without killing him. Would severing one of his limbs be enough?

My second concern is what I should do 20 years from now when the red-headed, green-eyed girl has grown into a fierce large-breasted warrior woman who has spent her entire life training with a sword and learning how to survive in the coldest conditions with the smallest possible amount of clothing, just so that she can find me and exact a terrible revenge for what I did to her and her parents? Should I accept my fate with honour? Run like a coward? Try to get some of that? I'm sure you can appreciate my dilemma and I would appreciate any advice you would have to give me.


P.S. Meltzer rules
Dear Viking Commando,

The man I'm in unconsummated love with lives in Miami; the man I'm forni-dating lives here.

What should I do?


Torn Between Two Covers
Dear Viking Commando,

So I decided to take up illegal streetfighting.

I got this combination jujitsu/Muy Thai style going, but I want to learn something more brutal to confuse the lesser guys and work my way up. As a commando and Viking, I have to ask what you thing I should learn to improve my overall chances.
Dear Viking Commando,

Recently, I've been crying when I watch Oprah. Is it just hormones or has Meltzer's run on Justice League turned me into an emotional pansy?

Weeping in Washington
Dear Viking Commando Fool,

Why would you be foolish enough to try to steal my advice column schtick just like the late "Professor" Expert?

Those who tread on Polaris's ground invite their doom.


Doctor Polaris
Dear Viking Commando,
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or name names, but sometimes when I read a comic I'm pretty sure I could do a better job than whatever retarded chimpanzee is 'editing' the book. I'm not sure if that's mere bravado on my part, or if most of today's editors are lazy, weak-willed, or both. My question is, how do I make a kickass battleax like yours?
Thanks heaps,
Hail, Viking Commando.

As I myself am also a time-displaced Scandinavian with a mighty beard, I live a life not unlike that of your own. However, this has presented difficulties.

In the modern world, cleaving in twain the skulls of German men with a battle axe is no longer considered proper. (There's some nonsense about "the war is over.") What do you recommend?

Should I perhaps choose a different nationality of men to slaughter?

Or is the problem the axe? Given the tenor of these degenerate times, would I be justified in setting down the weapon of my ancestors and switching to a chainsaw or aluminum baseball bat?

Or should I embrace my inner Norseman, ignore the consequences, and continue chopping Teutonic skulls, a chopping that will only end in a hail of gunfire from German police and my own bitter laughter at the treacheries of fate?

Also, how much killing is "too much killing?" A friend recently insisted that I was killing "too much." I replied that such a thing was impossible, and stove in his brainpan with an axe. But perhaps he had a point. If one killed everyone in the world, there would be no one left to kill. Which would be sad.

Any thoughts?
Dear Viking Commando

One of my friends claims that Vikings are really wussies and that a whole dragon-ship full of them could be wiped out by one ninja. He even claims that Vikings make even Pirates look cool, which is very hard to do.

Is there any truth to this?

Mike Nielsen
Dear VC,

So I have friend. Yeah - a friend. He has recently started to experience male lactation.What can you me - I mean him about this issue.

Wet Chested in Washington
Dear Viking Commando,

All Out War is obviously the most radical condition to be under. If, however, one must choose between the two evils of confined, unmanly limited war or no war at all, which would you choose?


Addled Aggressor in Atlanta
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