Thursday, August 30, 2007
Why I Don't Respect Green Arrow
I absolutely HATE Green Arrow, as a character.
Hate him.
Why? Is it the constant political posturing foisted upon the character?
Is it the constant womanizing?
Is it because when his adopted son, Roy Harper, developed a drug problem, Ollie cast him out and walked out on him when he needed him most?
Is it the fact that the he fathers children, left and right, and then abandons them?
Is the fact that he lives a lie everyday, letting the world, his son, Connor Hawke and his soon-to-be (?) bride, Black Canary, believe he had no idea Connor was alive until he presented himself in his early twenties?
It's all of the above... and then some.
What actually cemented my hate for this character was the seventy-fifth issue of Green Arrow.
The one in which he lost his manhood.
It was, perhaps, the worst day he'd ever had. Deathstroke had systematically taken down his entire family.
Connor was down, Mia (Speedy) was out, Black Canary was inches away from having her throat slashed.
What part made me want to vomit?
Was it the part where he dropped to his knees, begging Deathstroke to spare his family?
Nope. I actually admired that.
Was it the part where he cried while doing so, not knowing whether or not his family would make it out alive?
Nope.
I can get behind that.
So, where did I lose respect?
The final scene where after The Justice League saves the day.
Where Oliver Queen tells his ex, Black Canary, the reason he wanted to become a better man was so he could get her back.
Then, he proposes to her.
No. Just....
No.
Black Canary proved day-in and day-out that she's better off without him. He never made the choice to actively become better off without her. He never asked himself whether or not she was better off without him.
We've all taken our own personal walks through hell, confronted personal demons and the like. We've all taken personal rolls of the dice and taken bets on ourselves. It should be done out of a fundamental belief in self.
In this undertaking, one should become a better person for self, first and foremost.
Not from a place of rejection.
Kids, do NOT try this at home.
That way lies failure.
Oliver Queen's reasons for his continued existence are egocentric, existing only to further his inate ability to set himself and those close to him up for further failure and disappointment.
In trying to make himself better for someone else, Oliver Queen succeeds only in further showcasing his selfishness.
Oliver Queen is an a-hole.
Hawkman does not approve of your actions.
Hate him.
Why? Is it the constant political posturing foisted upon the character?
Is it the constant womanizing?
Is it because when his adopted son, Roy Harper, developed a drug problem, Ollie cast him out and walked out on him when he needed him most?
Is it the fact that the he fathers children, left and right, and then abandons them?
Is the fact that he lives a lie everyday, letting the world, his son, Connor Hawke and his soon-to-be (?) bride, Black Canary, believe he had no idea Connor was alive until he presented himself in his early twenties?
It's all of the above... and then some.
What actually cemented my hate for this character was the seventy-fifth issue of Green Arrow.
The one in which he lost his manhood.
It was, perhaps, the worst day he'd ever had. Deathstroke had systematically taken down his entire family.
Connor was down, Mia (Speedy) was out, Black Canary was inches away from having her throat slashed.
What part made me want to vomit?
Was it the part where he dropped to his knees, begging Deathstroke to spare his family?
Nope. I actually admired that.
Was it the part where he cried while doing so, not knowing whether or not his family would make it out alive?
Nope.
I can get behind that.
So, where did I lose respect?
The final scene where after The Justice League saves the day.
Where Oliver Queen tells his ex, Black Canary, the reason he wanted to become a better man was so he could get her back.
Then, he proposes to her.
No. Just....
No.
Black Canary proved day-in and day-out that she's better off without him. He never made the choice to actively become better off without her. He never asked himself whether or not she was better off without him.
We've all taken our own personal walks through hell, confronted personal demons and the like. We've all taken personal rolls of the dice and taken bets on ourselves. It should be done out of a fundamental belief in self.
In this undertaking, one should become a better person for self, first and foremost.
Not from a place of rejection.
Kids, do NOT try this at home.
That way lies failure.
Oliver Queen's reasons for his continued existence are egocentric, existing only to further his inate ability to set himself and those close to him up for further failure and disappointment.
In trying to make himself better for someone else, Oliver Queen succeeds only in further showcasing his selfishness.
Oliver Queen is an a-hole.
Hawkman does not approve of your actions.Labels: Green Arrow, Hawkman
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Forged Identity
You know what makes this page from Justice Society of America #7 so damned awesome?
Is it:
A. The Justice Society's former leaders banding together to help a new member.
B. The return of the Steel legacy to the DC Universe.
C. The brilliant page composition of artist Dale Eaglesham.
D. Hawkman wears his freakin' Hawkman mask under a welder's mask while wearing his huge ass wings while working a forge!
The answer is D.
Why would Hawkman wear his mask under a mask?
Don't ask.
He's HAWKMAN.
Labels: Hawkman
Friday, April 20, 2007
Hawkman On Diplomacy
Ladies and gentlemen, may I show you something?
Thank you.
First, a warning: you are about to witness greatness in action. You are about to bear witness to...
Ladies, a disclaimer: Upon viewing the upcoming panel, I, the staff of "Seven Hells!" cannot be held responsible for the catching of vapors of any sort, any sudden appearance of hair upon the feminine bosom or any sudden, unintended pregnancies.
Gentlemen, a disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for your becoming "gay" for Hawkman. If your parents truly love you, they will understand.
Everything you need to know about Hawkman is about to be shown to you in one single panel. With that said, ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you...
THE SINGLE GREATEST HAWKMAN PANEL OF ALL TIME!!!
Thank you.
First, a warning: you are about to witness greatness in action. You are about to bear witness to...
THE SINGLE GREATEST HAWKMAN PANEL OF ALL TIME!!!
Ladies, a disclaimer: Upon viewing the upcoming panel, I, the staff of "Seven Hells!" cannot be held responsible for the catching of vapors of any sort, any sudden appearance of hair upon the feminine bosom or any sudden, unintended pregnancies.
Gentlemen, a disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for your becoming "gay" for Hawkman. If your parents truly love you, they will understand.
Everything you need to know about Hawkman is about to be shown to you in one single panel. With that said, ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you...
THE SINGLE GREATEST HAWKMAN PANEL OF ALL TIME!!!Hawkman, shirtless, except for chainmail, swinging a flail, a mace and a sword, dangling from each hip, running fullbore right at you, screaming the three words that epitomize his every action, "I DON'T HESITATE!"
"I DON'T HESITATE!"
This is Hawkman distilled down to his essence in one single panel.
"I DON'T HESITATE!"
There's truth and beauty in those three words. Perhaps, together, the three greatest words ever written.
If you'll excuse, I have to go wrestle a bull to the ground now.
Ladies, feel free to do the same.
"I DON'T HESITATE!"
This is Hawkman distilled down to his essence in one single panel.
"I DON'T HESITATE!"
There's truth and beauty in those three words. Perhaps, together, the three greatest words ever written.
If you'll excuse, I have to go wrestle a bull to the ground now.
Ladies, feel free to do the same.
Labels: Hawkman
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Hawkman On Sensitivity/Proper Etiquette
Like most good men, Hawkman enjoys himself a good sandwich...
...difference between Hawkman and most men, he orders them in Thanagarian and English.Labels: Hawkman
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Hawkman On Due Process
"Nothing emboldens sin so much as mercy." William Shakespeare
In Hawkman's world, mercy wears a mini-skirt and sits behind the wheel of a stretch limo.Thusly, Hawkman is cool.
Labels: Hawkman
Monday, April 16, 2007
Hawkman On Civil Liberties
Things that fly in Gotham City, literally, don't in Hawkman's world. To Hawkman, your rights come as fast as he can throw them.
If Hawkman were to visit the Marvel Universe, Civil War would have been over in one panel.Thusly, Hawkman is cool.
Labels: Hawkman
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints Induction Ceremony
Oh, my God!!! Could you have a better time than the one I had last night? In the dead of the night, I get this call saying to show up at The Hub City Friar's Club for the "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints" Induction Ceremony. I get there and the freakin' Crazy Quilt is working the front door! The Friar's Club knows there's comedy gold in having his crazy ass work the line. The "whupping Jason Todd's ass" jokes just kept on coming.
I walk through the Friar's Club door and the party's already in full swing. All of the guys were swarming in the middle of the ballroom, apparently the new Batwoman was there, along with Renee Montoya, Maggie Sawyer and Holly, the new Catwoman. The ladies were just eating soup and paying the guys no mind but the guys just couldn't take their eyes off of them.
Power Girl walked in in a white low-cut number. Obsidian basking in his new gay, kept asking her who she was wearing. He then proceeded to squeeze her left breast like Issac Mizhari did to Scarlett Johansson. Alan Scott may be mourning two children soon if Obsidian doesn't wake from his coma. Damage and The Human Bomb upon seeing PG in her dress both simultaneously exploded. Crazy Quilt and Doctor Midnight kept asking what happened.
The ceremony began soon after Jay Garrick and Superman rebuilt the hall. Anyway, up on the podium were the night's inductees Hawkman, Lady Cop and Kyle Rayner. Wildcat couldn't be there as he'd already commited to taking Ma Hunkel out to dinner weeks before. Mr. Terrific read a nice note from Wildcat, thanking us for thinking of him.
Geoff Johns was there to induct Hawkman into The Council of Saints. Before Johns could say a word, Hawkman picks up his mace and proceeds to trash the stage! You know what he did next?!? Walked off the f*****' stage without saying... a... word! He is such a rock star!!!!
Next up was Liza Warner, Lady Cop. Renee Montoya had the honor of inducting her. She spoke about how Liza had been an inspiration to her... blah blah blah... she was speaking lesbian. Lady Cop stood up (She's smaller than I thought, I'd say on a good day she might be 5'5") and delivered a rousing lecture on VD prevention, all the while, keeping her eyes locked on Kyle Rayner. Every woman in that room gave her a standing ovation.
Lady Cop somehow managed to bump her head while standing still.
Next up was my boy Kyle Rayner, there were no Green Lanterns there to induct him so he had to induct himself. Kyle was a little drunk and started off by telling us the story of "Chicken Little." Just as Batman was about to pull Kyle off the stage, out of nowhere, Kyle grew some balls and shoved The Batman! Kyle walked back to the podium, got really quiet and thanked everyone for the opportunity to learn from them, to fight for something greater than himself. Superman began to clap and everyone else followed suit. Kyle just kind of smiled and walked off the stage. Power Girl went to hug him. His balls are healing nicely.
Blue Devil ended the night with a prayer and Ambush Bug brought the house down, wheeling out the stuffed corpse of Jonah Hex.
A fun night was had by all.
Labels: Hawkman, Kyle Rayner, Lady Cop
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Saints Alive!
I've noticed alot of bloggers have them. Some cotton to a Green Lantern prone to massive head traumas. Some have an obsessive love for little boy sidekicks.
What I'm taliking about is a character we've all sort of adopted as the ultimate expression of our respective blogs' "mission statement." Our own personal "patron saints," so to speak. So today, I am asking you, the blogosphere, to help me do something long overdue:
Canonize characters into "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints. Starting with...
Hawkman: This blog is named for Hawkman's favorite expression, "Seven Hells!" Hawkman has no superpowers, often goes shirtless and carries a mace for the sole purpose of hitting people over the head. What's not to love?
Wildcat: He's old enough to know better but does it anyway, he's Wildcat! He wonders aloud where his next handful of ass is gonna come from, he's Wildcat! He gets drunk and sings too loud, he's Wildcat! He'll punch you in the eye, he's Wildcaaaaaaaat!
Lady Cop: Possessing a feminist sensibility and a thick skull along with an extensive knowledge of venereal diseases, Lady Cop recently had her own frickin' week devoted to her here on "Seven Hells!" I haven't been the same since.
Kyle Rayner: A good heart and a dim wit gets you a long way here on "Seven Hells!" Kyle's featured here every Wednesday showcasing an astounding case of the "self-awares,"and an innate ability to watch those he loves get killed and watch himself come out smelling like a rose.
There can be only one. Vote and vote often.
What I'm taliking about is a character we've all sort of adopted as the ultimate expression of our respective blogs' "mission statement." Our own personal "patron saints," so to speak. So today, I am asking you, the blogosphere, to help me do something long overdue:
Canonize characters into "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints. Starting with...
Hawkman: This blog is named for Hawkman's favorite expression, "Seven Hells!" Hawkman has no superpowers, often goes shirtless and carries a mace for the sole purpose of hitting people over the head. What's not to love?
Wildcat: He's old enough to know better but does it anyway, he's Wildcat! He wonders aloud where his next handful of ass is gonna come from, he's Wildcat! He gets drunk and sings too loud, he's Wildcat! He'll punch you in the eye, he's Wildcaaaaaaaat!
Lady Cop: Possessing a feminist sensibility and a thick skull along with an extensive knowledge of venereal diseases, Lady Cop recently had her own frickin' week devoted to her here on "Seven Hells!" I haven't been the same since.
Kyle Rayner: A good heart and a dim wit gets you a long way here on "Seven Hells!" Kyle's featured here every Wednesday showcasing an astounding case of the "self-awares,"and an innate ability to watch those he loves get killed and watch himself come out smelling like a rose.There can be only one. Vote and vote often.
Labels: Hawkman, Kyle Rayner, Lady Cop, Wildcat
