Thursday, June 29, 2006

The "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints Induction Ceremony


Oh, my God!!! Could you have a better time than the one I had last night? In the dead of the night, I get this call saying to show up at The Hub City Friar's Club for the "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints" Induction Ceremony. I get there and the freakin' Crazy Quilt is working the front door! The Friar's Club knows there's comedy gold in having his crazy ass work the line. The "whupping Jason Todd's ass" jokes just kept on coming.

I walk through the Friar's Club door and the party's already in full swing. All of the guys were swarming in the middle of the ballroom, apparently the new Batwoman was there, along with Renee Montoya, Maggie Sawyer and Holly, the new Catwoman. The ladies were just eating soup and paying the guys no mind but the guys just couldn't take their eyes off of them.

Power Girl walked in in a white low-cut number. Obsidian basking in his new gay, kept asking her who she was wearing. He then proceeded to squeeze her left breast like Issac Mizhari did to Scarlett Johansson. Alan Scott may be mourning two children soon if Obsidian doesn't wake from his coma. Damage and The Human Bomb upon seeing PG in her dress both simultaneously exploded. Crazy Quilt and Doctor Midnight kept asking what happened.

The ceremony began soon after Jay Garrick and Superman rebuilt the hall. Anyway, up on the podium were the night's inductees Hawkman, Lady Cop and Kyle Rayner. Wildcat couldn't be there as he'd already commited to taking Ma Hunkel out to dinner weeks before. Mr. Terrific read a nice note from Wildcat, thanking us for thinking of him.

Geoff Johns was there to induct Hawkman into The Council of Saints. Before Johns could say a word, Hawkman picks up his mace and proceeds to trash the stage! You know what he did next?!? Walked off the f*****' stage without saying... a... word! He is such a rock star!!!!

Next up was Liza Warner, Lady Cop. Renee Montoya had the honor of inducting her. She spoke about how Liza had been an inspiration to her... blah blah blah... she was speaking lesbian. Lady Cop stood up (She's smaller than I thought, I'd say on a good day she might be 5'5") and delivered a rousing lecture on VD prevention, all the while, keeping her eyes locked on Kyle Rayner. Every woman in that room gave her a standing ovation.

Lady Cop somehow managed to bump her head while standing still.

Next up was my boy Kyle Rayner, there were no Green Lanterns there to induct him so he had to induct himself. Kyle was a little drunk and started off by telling us the story of "Chicken Little." Just as Batman was about to pull Kyle off the stage, out of nowhere, Kyle grew some balls and shoved The Batman! Kyle walked back to the podium, got really quiet and thanked everyone for the opportunity to learn from them, to fight for something greater than himself. Superman began to clap and everyone else followed suit. Kyle just kind of smiled and walked off the stage. Power Girl went to hug him. His balls are healing nicely.

Blue Devil ended the night with a prayer and Ambush Bug brought the house down, wheeling out the stuffed corpse of Jonah Hex.

A fun night was had by all.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Saints Alive!

I've noticed alot of bloggers have them. Some cotton to a Green Lantern prone to massive head traumas. Some have an obsessive love for little boy sidekicks.

What I'm taliking about is a character we've all sort of adopted as the ultimate expression of our respective blogs' "mission statement." Our own personal "patron saints," so to speak. So today, I am asking you, the blogosphere, to help me do something long overdue:

Canonize characters into "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints. Starting with...

Hawkman: This blog is named for Hawkman's favorite expression, "Seven Hells!" Hawkman has no superpowers, often goes shirtless and carries a mace for the sole purpose of hitting people over the head. What's not to love?

Wildcat: He's old enough to know better but does it anyway, he's Wildcat! He wonders aloud where his next handful of ass is gonna come from, he's Wildcat! He gets drunk and sings too loud, he's Wildcat! He'll punch you in the eye, he's Wildcaaaaaaaat!

Lady Cop: Possessing a feminist sensibility and a thick skull along with an extensive knowledge of venereal diseases, Lady Cop recently had her own frickin' week devoted to her here on "Seven Hells!" I haven't been the same since.

Kyle Rayner: A good heart and a dim wit gets you a long way here on "Seven Hells!" Kyle's featured here every Wednesday showcasing an astounding case of the "self-awares,"and an innate ability to watch those he loves get killed and watch himself come out smelling like a rose.

There can be only one. Vote and vote often.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Superman Returns: Blogging's Easiest Review


I just got back from seeing a sneak preview of Superman Returns. I wanted to write some wonderfully detailed post but as I began to write, one single thought kept running across my mind:

I haven't felt this way after a movie since seeing Superman:The Movie as a six-year old in 1978.

I think that sums up my feelings pretty well.

Eye Know All

I may be wrong but it's never stopped me before. In 52, issue 4, Alan Scott loses an eye.

The big question is "What would someone want with Alan Scott's eyeball?"

Personally, I don't know why someone would want to steal someone's mystical eyeball. I mean, what could someone do with that?

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Always Remember Kids...


Only Orion gets to ride The Astro-Glider!

THE POWER OF KIRBY!!!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Reconsidering Kyle

I've missed my boy, Kyle and maybe not for the obvious reasons. After almost six months of doing these weekly Kyle Rayner: ADULT! posts, I need to tell you something:

When I started doing the "Kyle" post they were done with the sole intent of making myself laugh once a week. And they did but in the process, something weird happened...

I've grown to respect Kyle in ways I never could have imagined. Dare I say it, Kyle has even become my favorite Green Lantern. I'll tell you why. He reminds me of something greater.

Kyle Rayner was never chosen by The Guardians for the job of Green Lantern. Unlike Hal Jordan. Not like Guy Gardner. Not like John Stewart. Kyle did the job when no one else could. And he he did this knowing that a crazed Hal Jordan had just killed every Green Lantern before him.

When other men would have crawled up in a ball and died after seeing their girlfriend stuffed whole into a refrigerator, Kyle didn't run. No, he got up and tried his damnedest to carry on the traditions of The Green Lantern Corps.

When the self-styled "Killer of Green Lanterns" Fatality came to kill Kyle for Hal's sins, he took her on, assuming full responsibility for another man's wrongdoings.

When Batman openly questioned Kyle's ability to do the job, Kyle quietly carried on the tradition of having a Green Lantern within The Justice League.

He did all of this for no other reason than someone had to do it. Kyle Rayner had no Guardians of The Universe to guide his hand. He had no Corps to back his play when and if he fell.

Today is another matter entirely, The Green Lantern Corps have returned in their own series, no less, stronger than ever. Hal Jordan and The Guardians of The Universe are back, better than ever.

There will be a Green Lantern in the upcoming Justice League of America title.

Why?

Kyle Rayner. Armed with nothing more than a weapon and a sense of right & wrong, Kyle held the f*ckin' line until something greater than himself could emerge.

Not Hal Jordan. Not Guy Gardner. Not John Stewart.

Kyle Rayner.

That's when it hit me in regards to someone holding the line and seeded the fields in unchartered territories until something greater came along...


Yeah, that's right. Kyle is The Green Lantern Corps' Jonah f*cking Hex, its' Mon'el. You've got your Hal, your Guy, your John back only because someone did the dirty work and held the line and seeded the fields.

Kyle is to The Corps what Hex was to The DCU, what Mon'el became to The United Planets.

So, the next time you read a Kyle Rayner-less Green Lantern, consider Kyle Rayner and his contributions to Green Lantern lore.


That said, Kyle Rayner: Adult! will return next week.
(Someone's gotta keep Kyle in his place...)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Big Monkey Comics Interviews Angry Youth Comix's Johnny Ryan


He's known for some of the most hilarious comics on the stands today. He's Johnny Ryan and he's reinvigorizing the "alternative" comics scene one joke at a time. Big Monkey Comics has him an interview where he talks about the state of the "alternative scene," his influences, and his latest collection, "The Comic Book Holocaust."

I invite you to look for this one and many more in the coming weeks as we bring more interviews with some of today's greatest creators like that guy who's going to write Justice League of America... or something.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Mad Cow Disease


Last week, Scip posed a rather interesting question to me, "Are cows the Marvel equivalent of the MONKEY?"

Interesting question, that. "Are COWS the Marvel equivalent of the DC MONKEY?

The list of DC's monkey/gorilla emissaries is a long and glorious one: (Heh! I said, "long and glorious.")

Bobo, The Detective Chimp (Leader of The Shadowpact)
Gorilla Grodd (Preeminent Flash villain)
Congorilla (Great White hunter who turns into a Golden ape)
Titano, The Super-Ape (Misunderstood Superman villain)
Sam Simeon of Angel & The Ape (Crime solving, comic book artist ape)
Beppo (Kryptonian monkey in a little Superman suit.)
Monsieur Mallah (Gay terrorist ape, I simply must work that into a sentence someday.)
Ultra-Humanite (Crazy genius albino ape, I simply MUST work that into a sentence someday.)

Yes, we put our monkeys on pedestals but at Marvel they do the same but with the cow.

Notable Marvel cows:

Bova (Hybrid cow who raised Magneto's children, Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch. Side effects of being raised by Bova are this: your daughter will marry her vibrator and destroy the world. Your son will constantly be short-tempered, acting creepier and creepier around his sister the closer she gets to puberty. Fair trade for being raised by a cow.)

Hellcow (Howard The Duck foe. A vampiric cow in a silken cape.)

Those Four Skrulls that Reed Richards turned into cows (Realizing that these four Skrulls were going to forever plague him, Mr. Fantastic hypnotized the shapechanging Skrulls, forcing them to turn into the most content animals on Earth, dairy cows. They later got milked, ground up, turned beef, sold. They know how to party, Grant Morrison-style, over at Marvel.)

My vast research involving the gorilla/cow conundrum has yielded these simple results:

DC fans, we do love us some monkeys. We had it hard-wired into our DNA. It is well known that DC's Silver Age editors believed that a monkey on a cover, regardless of context or actual story content, sold comics. Love of monkeys has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

At Marvel, the cow is viewed as benevolent, a nurturer, a level to be obtained. To view a cow as "evil" as in Hellcow's case, is the ultimate in obsurdity, hence its apperances primarily happening within a comic featuring a cigar chompin' duck.

At DC, a monkey just is what it is. Love of monkeys.

At Marvel, love of cows is much like a Marvel superhero's powers, best stumbled upon by accident.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Lady Cop Week: Day Five

After impressing a Latin family with the thickness of her skull, Liza Warner, Lady Cop is assaulted by another purple-shirted ne'er-do-well...

What is it with these people and their purple shirts? Did Skeevy's Glen pirate population attack a ship full of pants, wifebeaters & t-shirts earmarked for color-blind orphans or something?


"This chick can!" Before I leave this Earth, I will write a pilot for a Lady Cop TV show. "This Chick Can!" will be the title of its theme song. For maximum affect, I will have a sassy, soulful, finger wavin' White chick ala Clay Aiken sing it.

For a day in Hell. maybe.

We'll probably never know if Lady Cop found her "Killer In Boots" but Lady Cop, I am very glad to have found a friend in you.

How can one not love someone who never forgets their purpose for being? Well, Lady Cop, I took it upon myself to find your "Killer In Boots." You two haven't seen each other in a while so without further ado...

"The Killer In Boots!"

May God bless and keep you, Robet Kanigher for bringing this glorious creation, Lady Cop, into this life of mine.

As an aside, can I just point out something lovely about this 1st Issue Special? Liza Warner witnesses a serial killer do in her roommates, joins the police academy, graduates, saves countless lives by getting rid of a live grenade, fends off two rapists, stops a liquor store robbery, saves a man using mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, dismisses her boyfriend's sexist attitudes, finds out a girl she'd helped before has VD, counsels her on how to cease its spread, gets punched in the face by her father, bringing the family together, gets attacked by an unknown assailant, whups his ass, saves him from drowning and then resumes her search for "The Killer In Boots..."

Did this take place in an epic six-issue story arc?

No.

15 pages.

That's all you got back in '75. 15 little pages.

It may not have been "epic" but you know what?

It held my interest for a week.


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Where Is The Curry Heir? (Spoilers)


FOR THOSE WHO DESPISE SPOILER-Y STUFF, FAIR WARNING:

TURN BACK NOW!!!

I've been sitting on this for two week's now but I just had to unleash this after reading
52 #6, Booster Gold upon entering the headquarters of Rip Hunter, Time Master is met with this chalkboard full of what you'd think would be the rantings of a madman. But no, it is far from that, if you doubt, read this.


One thing in particular caught my eye:

As in Arthur Curry, Jr., son of Aquaman. Heir to Atlantis. We've been looking at him all along.


Somewhere along the lines during Superboy's breaking down the barriers between time and space, a rift opened up, creating a small window of opportunity where the infant Arthur Curry, Jr. didn't never perished at the hands of The Black Manta.

That's why this new Aquaman answers to Arthur Curry, it's his name. That's way "Squidbeard" has taken such a keen interest in him. It's his son.

That's why Aquaman's other son Koryak had to be killed. To make why for someone else.

That's why he has such a visceral reaction to redheaded mermaids, they remind him of his mother, Mera.

That why I'm suddenly so excited. Black Manta may be getting a second chance to get it right.

Lady Cop Week: Day Four

We're back as Lady Cop Week continues! After dazzling young Latinas with her VD skills set, Liza Warner, Lady Cop is set to help this young girl face one of the toughest challenges of her young life...

...telling her Papa that that purple wifebeater is doing absolutely nothing to set of his skin tone. What was he thinking?!! He's an "autumn" for God's sake!

One of my favorite comics of all time was G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #21 or "The Silent Issue" as it's come to be called. In it, Snake-Eyes, Joe's resident mute, disfigured ninja/commando silently infiltrates a terrorist stronghold through means of stealth. In the whole of the comics 22 pages, not one single word was spoken.

Twenty-plus years later, no longer reading comics with a child's eye, I've learned enough about myself to know that I'd read a monthly comic where Nina would silently whisper into the ear of various DCU inhabitants, telling them of her VD.

Picture this: "Pssst.... Manhunter, come here. I've got "crabs."

Who wouldn't read that comic?

Lady Cop: She'll take a punch for your sins, a veritable pugilistic messiah figure, she is.

Daaaamn, this chick can take a punch to the head from a Latin dockworker like no one's business!

...and that's when it dawned on me. Liza Warner would be the perfect dinner companion for one Harold (Hal) Jordan, test pilot/toy salesman.

An open letter to Geoff Johns:
With Coast City being nearly vacant, there must be some kind of need for a police force. Coast City could use a cop that can take a blow to the skull like nobody's business. Picture it: Hal Jordan could be standing under a dangling piano (No, Geoff, I don't know why this is happening, I'm just the f***in' idea guy here. Make it work and stop askin' me dumb shit.) and out of nowhere a flash of blonde and blue comes a-chargin', knocking Hal out of the way just as the piano comes crashing down.

It's Liza Warner, Lady Cop!!!!

Somehow, they managed to find... each other.

Somehow, they still manage to bang their heads on the curb.

PaPa is so overcome with emotion, it drives him learn Latin off-panel.

Yes, Nina. It is your fault. If only you'd listened to your Papa and stayed on the docks...

The real world is filthy with VD. If only you'd stayed down by the Skeevy's Glen docks where it's safe...

Only penicillin could put out the fire within one of Robert Kanigher's "fiery" Latinas...

Tune in tomorrow as Lady Cop Week ends with Devon's possibly finding "The Killer In Boots!"

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Lady Cop Week: Day Three

Fresh from her defeat of The Incredible Hulk through the use of a hat, Liza Warner: Lady Cop is ready for some luvvin'...

Take a look at the male cop's right hand. It appears he's just broken up an illegal vibrator counterfeiting ring. On second thought, maybe he's just holding a vibrator.

"I can't marry a working man..." Turn over and lay face first, man. There's a "surprise" in every box.

"HAL?" As in Hal JORDAN? Oh, HO! This is just too good! This thing's gonna write itself from here on out! What is it with guy's named HAL? Are they all pre-destined for idiocy? The naming of your child Hal, not only pre-destines your child towards a life full of massive head trauma, it also denies him the ability to lay his head in a girl's lap without realizing there's no penis in it.

He wants a stay-at-home beard, she thinks about death 24/7. I cannot wait to see the baby pictures.

Lady Cop, you don't go looking for VD, it finds you. Just ask our girl in orange.

Lady Cop!!!! Quick!!! Get to her vagina before it explodes!!!

Lady Cop can even help "arrest" VD. Is there anything she can't do?!?

All I wanna know is how does Lady Cop know so damned much about VD? VD must be like her hobby or sumthin'...

Again, I don't mean to cast aspersions but do you think that maybe her father having his little teen hip-hugger wearing daughter wait around for him down by the docks could have something to do with her contracting VD? God knows, a dockworker would never, ever take advantage of a young girl's trust.

Nope.

Never.

Plus, it's a well known fact that men don't get VD.

My uncle, the dockworker told me so.

Tune in tomorrow as Lady Cop Week continues when G.I. Joe's Snake-Eyes joins us to teach us that knowing about VD is "half the battle."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Thor's Comic Column


Just in you were (or weren't) wondering what my thoughts on last week's Wonder Woman #1 are, check out CHUD: Thor's Comic Column to find out.

Here's the first paragraph to get you started:

The public has seen you slice The Man of Steel’s throat on live television. They’ve seen you kill a man in order to save the lives of others. Your gods have abandoned you. Those you once counted upon as you would brothers & sisters have come to view you with a scrutinizing gaze. The world someone else has made for you is questioning your very right to exist within its’ sphere. Where do you go when everything you’ve ever known’s been called into question and taken away from you?

Remove yourself from the situation.

Reinforce the foundations.

Rebuild.

“One Year Later.”

That is exactly what DC Comics is doing with Wonder Woman #1, on sale now, one of the finest re-introductions of superhero iconography I’ve ever read.

Read the rest and find other fine reviews over at CHUD: Thor's Comic Column.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Lady Cop Week: Day Two

Fresh from avoiding a "rooftop party" in Skeevy's Glen, Liza Warner, Lady Cop sees a little Black child without any money for ice cream, promptly rectifying the situation by eating some in front of the little girl, doing a little shimmy, saying, "You don't have no ice creeeam." Just kidding. Just kidding.

What actually happens between panels is even more disturbing...

"Lady Cop?" That's right. Say her name, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Roll it off your tongue....

Apparently, that kiss was so good, it made her irises jump out of her head.

Now, we don't actually get to see a kiss on the mouth or anything happen between the panels but maybe it might not be such a good idea to let random kids kiss you and all? Might get somehow misconstrued.

After nearly being savaged on a rooftop, Lady Cop makes the time to buy a Black girl chocolate ice cream. Lady Cop, one of "the good ones."

As we will soon see, no one knows more about "The Clap" and its seven deadly venoms than Lady Cop.

Shit, yo! Bruce Banner's robbing the bodega!

Hey, man... purple pants are becoming more expensive everyday. I'm not gonna cast aspersions on Marvel. A man's gotta do what he's gotta do to keep purple pants across his ass, son.

Lady Cop: Whupping men's asses with a hat since July 1975.

Dammit, "Hulk" up, bitch! Make it interesting! What's it gonna look like when you go back to Marvel after some chick whups your ass with her hat? Dude, Son of Satan's gonna have a field day with this!

If this were one of the slides on a Viewmaster reel, I'd entitle this one: "Lady Cop on "VD Foot Patrol."

Tune in tomorrow as Lady Cop Week continues with... beards.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Lady Cop Week: Day One

Picture it. The year is 1975 and America is giddy with possibility as Angie Dickinson returns to series television hot on the heels of her cinematic triumph, Big Bad Mama.

The next year will see the debut of Charlie's Angels, the way we view blondes holding guns at t*t level would never be the same again. Sensing a void in the comics field...

Enter comics visionary "Crazy" Robert Kanigher with the now infamous 1st Issue Special #4 featuring Lady Cop, a comic so wonderfully "slow", you just want to build a movie around it, have it ride the bench, score the winning goal and vote it Homecoming King, thick glasses and all...

Self-preservation is a mother as young Liza Warner cowers under the bed, helpless, watching as her roommates are "droppin' one-by-one--like cards!" Victims both of the nefarious and color-blind "Killer In Boots." When the police arrive, as Liza recounts the tale, one particular cop notes that she has "the camera eye of a born officer." That and she's already experienced at undercover work. Get it? She was under the bed, hiding? "Under cover...?"

To hell with it. Anyway, driven to find her roommates' killer, our Liza enrolls in the police academy where knowledge such as this is imparted upon the recruits...

Is it me or does it look like Liza done gone and left the building?

Liza goes on to graduate from the academy and some guy who just stole one of Billy Batson's sweet ass sweaters crashes these future pigs' "happening."

Oddly enough, this is how Scip responded when told he'd never own a comic book store.

Y'know, the only thing that could have made this page more exquisite was if instead of helping her up, at the end, he shows her love and gives her some "dap."

What does saving the future cops of.... Y'know...? I don't know where the heck this comic's supposed to take place. It gets you roof duty in, for the sake of the story, let's call it... Skeevy's Glen.

Where did the guy in the orange shirt come from? Did The JLA lose track of one of their transporters? Why does the one guy know how to pin a sack of kittens? What universe do these guys occupy where it seems like a good idea to rape someone... and a cop, at that?!? These guys must have apprenticed under Doctor Light.

Listen, I know there is absolutely nothing funny about rape. It's one of the worst of crimes someone can perpetrate upon another but in the hands of Kanigher...well, how can you not love a gal who can work in a good "gorilla" joke?

Is she not glorious?!? After whupping two would-be rapists & making a "gorilla" joke, she backs that shit up by putting her hat back on and referencing "cages." Lady Cop, you makes my seat wet.

Her head contains so much awesome-nosity the panel can barely contain it!

All that and it's just her first day on the job!







Come back tomorrow as Lady Cop Week continues with a special guest appearance from one of the denizens of The Marvel Universe...