Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Reconsidering Kyle
I've missed my boy, Kyle and maybe not for the obvious reasons. After almost six months of doing these weekly Kyle Rayner: ADULT! posts, I need to tell you something:
When I started doing the "Kyle" post they were done with the sole intent of making myself laugh once a week. And they did but in the process, something weird happened...
I've grown to respect Kyle in ways I never could have imagined. Dare I say it, Kyle has even become my favorite Green Lantern. I'll tell you why. He reminds me of something greater.
Kyle Rayner was never chosen by The Guardians for the job of Green Lantern. Unlike Hal Jordan. Not like Guy Gardner. Not like John Stewart. Kyle did the job when no one else could. And he he did this knowing that a crazed Hal Jordan had just killed every Green Lantern before him.
When other men would have crawled up in a ball and died after seeing their girlfriend stuffed whole into a refrigerator, Kyle didn't run. No, he got up and tried his damnedest to carry on the traditions of The Green Lantern Corps.
When the self-styled "Killer of Green Lanterns" Fatality came to kill Kyle for Hal's sins, he took her on, assuming full responsibility for another man's wrongdoings.
When Batman openly questioned Kyle's ability to do the job, Kyle quietly carried on the tradition of having a Green Lantern within The Justice League.
He did all of this for no other reason than someone had to do it. Kyle Rayner had no Guardians of The Universe to guide his hand. He had no Corps to back his play when and if he fell.
Today is another matter entirely, The Green Lantern Corps have returned in their own series, no less, stronger than ever. Hal Jordan and The Guardians of The Universe are back, better than ever.
There will be a Green Lantern in the upcoming Justice League of America title.
Why?
Kyle Rayner. Armed with nothing more than a weapon and a sense of right & wrong, Kyle held the f*ckin' line until something greater than himself could emerge.
Not Hal Jordan. Not Guy Gardner. Not John Stewart.
That's when it hit me in regards to someone holding the line and seeded the fields in unchartered territories until something greater came along...
Yeah, that's right. Kyle is The Green Lantern Corps' Jonah f*cking Hex, its' Mon'el. You've got your Hal, your Guy, your John back only because someone did the dirty work and held the line and seeded the fields.
Kyle is to The Corps what Hex was to The DCU, what Mon'el became to The United Planets.
So, the next time you read a Kyle Rayner-less Green Lantern, consider Kyle Rayner and his contributions to Green Lantern lore.
When I started doing the "Kyle" post they were done with the sole intent of making myself laugh once a week. And they did but in the process, something weird happened...
I've grown to respect Kyle in ways I never could have imagined. Dare I say it, Kyle has even become my favorite Green Lantern. I'll tell you why. He reminds me of something greater.
Kyle Rayner was never chosen by The Guardians for the job of Green Lantern. Unlike Hal Jordan. Not like Guy Gardner. Not like John Stewart. Kyle did the job when no one else could. And he he did this knowing that a crazed Hal Jordan had just killed every Green Lantern before him.
When other men would have crawled up in a ball and died after seeing their girlfriend stuffed whole into a refrigerator, Kyle didn't run. No, he got up and tried his damnedest to carry on the traditions of The Green Lantern Corps.
When the self-styled "Killer of Green Lanterns" Fatality came to kill Kyle for Hal's sins, he took her on, assuming full responsibility for another man's wrongdoings.
When Batman openly questioned Kyle's ability to do the job, Kyle quietly carried on the tradition of having a Green Lantern within The Justice League.
He did all of this for no other reason than someone had to do it. Kyle Rayner had no Guardians of The Universe to guide his hand. He had no Corps to back his play when and if he fell.
Today is another matter entirely, The Green Lantern Corps have returned in their own series, no less, stronger than ever. Hal Jordan and The Guardians of The Universe are back, better than ever.
There will be a Green Lantern in the upcoming Justice League of America title.
Why?
Kyle Rayner. Armed with nothing more than a weapon and a sense of right & wrong, Kyle held the f*ckin' line until something greater than himself could emerge.
Not Hal Jordan. Not Guy Gardner. Not John Stewart.
Kyle Rayner.
That's when it hit me in regards to someone holding the line and seeded the fields in unchartered territories until something greater came along...
Yeah, that's right. Kyle is The Green Lantern Corps' Jonah f*cking Hex, its' Mon'el. You've got your Hal, your Guy, your John back only because someone did the dirty work and held the line and seeded the fields.
Kyle is to The Corps what Hex was to The DCU, what Mon'el became to The United Planets.
So, the next time you read a Kyle Rayner-less Green Lantern, consider Kyle Rayner and his contributions to Green Lantern lore.
That said, Kyle Rayner: Adult! will return next week.(Someone's gotta keep Kyle in his place...)
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Kyle Rayner, Adult
It's Tuesday, so you know what that means! It's time for...
Kyle Rayner,Adult!!!!
You're Kyle Rayner, Adult and you're given a chance to visit The Spirit Plane. Now, he could...I don't know...make peace with that woman in the refrigerator. Ummm... No. Our Kyle Rayner, Adult is having none of that.
Kyle Rayner, Adult wants to get naked from the waist up, dance...and dammit, there'd better be some m*****f*****' Special K*, glowsticks and a m*****f*****'pacifier on the other side.
*He'll settle for "E" if he has to.
Seeing as how there isn't, I guess you'll have to go about the mission, huh, Kyle?
I hope a white buffalo pees on him.
As usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is brought to you by...
...it's "Kyle-approved!!!"
Special thanks to James Rambo for pointing out the picture.
Kyle Rayner,Adult!!!!
You're Kyle Rayner, Adult and you're given a chance to visit The Spirit Plane. Now, he could...I don't know...make peace with that woman in the refrigerator. Ummm... No. Our Kyle Rayner, Adult is having none of that.
Kyle Rayner, Adult wants to get naked from the waist up, dance...and dammit, there'd better be some m*****f*****' Special K*, glowsticks and a m*****f*****'pacifier on the other side.
*He'll settle for "E" if he has to.
Seeing as how there isn't, I guess you'll have to go about the mission, huh, Kyle?
I hope a white buffalo pees on him.
As usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is brought to you by...
...it's "Kyle-approved!!!"
Special thanks to James Rambo for pointing out the picture.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Made In DC and How I Learned To Heart The 90's
(Removes the cellophane and cracks open a CD case, inhaling the plastic-y, chemical whiff)
And now, I am ready to write about DC Comics in the 90's. Specifically, the three heroes that defined a shift in the way I came to love DC Comics.
Today, I have returned to stately Seven Hells! Manor via my personal underground subway to express my sincere appreciation (and to gather stacks of one dollar bills for later. *wink*) to Wally West, Dick Grayson and Kyle Rayner for making my late teens to early thirties comics experience the absolute best.
Picture it, the early 90's: a young Devon, fresh from practicing that Kid-N-Play "grab-your-foot-move-your-ankle-to-your-knee-jump-while-holding-your-foot-and-try-and-not-die" thing and not really feeling DC Comics the way he did back in the early 80's. If there wasn't an "X," an Image Comics logo or a She-Hulk on the cover, it wasn't really his thing.
As he walked into the local comics shop, swimming past a sea of variant covers and lingerie and swimsuit issues featuring our comic book girlfriends, there was it was: Flash #80 featuring Wally
West. It was shiny. Seriously. It was literally shiny. It sported a shiny cover drawn by Alan Davis, one of, if not my favorite artist of the time. It had something else, though, at the time, I had no idea how great it was. Issue 80 featured the debut of new Flash artist, Mike Wieringo. I can still remember the feeling. It was like the first time I'd walked into my local drug store and saw John Byrne's Man of Steel or the first time I saw Arthur Adams' Longshot. I knew comics had changed.
I'd read Flash before. I knew Wally had been Kid Flash before. I got that his taking over the mantle of The Flash was a big deal to comics. I knew that he was the first sidekick to graduate, so to speak. I hadn't really followed anything he'd done for a while, though. I just kinda didn't care. I was happy that he took the mantle because, to me, all Barry Allen ever was was the guy who raced Superman from time-to-time. Wally was different. Wally had a little bit of swag. He dated around. He won the lottery once. He had problems. He wasn't as fast as Barry so he had to work harder. He even bothered to get to know some of his Rogue's Gallery a little better and won their respect but somewhere along the line, I just lost touch.Until that issue.
Thanks to writer, Mark Waid, Wally was still there but the art was more kinetic. The writing spoke to how hard it was to honor a legacy while trying to find your own way. Over time, Waid introduced this thing: The Speed Force, a supreme manifestation of velocity; a thing only a select few could access and the deeper you went within, the easier it was to over take you. Twenty-something Devon understood: "Wait, The Flashes are like speed Jedi? This is "The Force. They're not just "runs fast" anymore? Got it."
Wally went on to stand side-by-side with the heroes his Uncle Barry had to have told him tales of. We got to see the awe in his eyes as he watched Superman wrestled a war angel while The Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman held back a crashing, flaming ark literally plummeting from the heavens. Flash #80 was the beginning of Wally West becoming my Flash. This was where I truly became a fan of DC Comics.
I wanted in. I wanted to be made.
My money was not long in anyway during the 90's. Money that was earmarked for the Houses of Idea and Image was soon reallocated towards rediscovering The DC Universe and a new generation that was ready to step in and up.
In the pages of Batman, Bruce Wayne's back was literally broken by fan wishes that in-continuity Batman become more like the never-meant-to-be-continuity-Dark Knight Returns-Batman. In a grand experiment, their fetish was rewarded with The Knightfall Saga and a newer, angrier, armor-ier Batman in Jean-Paul Valley, who would kill. And it didn't go so well for anyone. Except for maybe former Batman sidekick, Dick Grayson who, at the time, IIRC, had been Nightwing for a while but hadn't really done much more than declare every other issue that he wasn't Robin anymore. You'd think that Dick would've been the one to take over the Batman mantle but nah. Didn't happen. DC needed to make a point that Batman shouldn't kill so... (shrug) no Nightwing.When this whole backbreaking thing ended, Dick did come back and took on the Batman mantle for a bit and for a weird thing happened. I think we kinda got the Nightwing we all were hoping for: a man with the teeth to truly be Batman but had so good of a heart that we wouldn't want him to have to carry that burden.
With the 1996 Nightwing series, we finally saw the post-Crisis Dick Grayson/Nightwing come into his own.
In the pages of Green Lantern, to me, Hal Jordan was pretty much nothing more than a cool costume. There were other Green Lanterns but eh, they were just more space cops with different heads and limbs attached. So, when Hal Jordan killed the entire freakin' GL Corps in an attempt to become God and reboot continuity, we were left with no more of those awesome Green Lantern costumes. Pity. They looked great.
Enter Kyle Rayner, a young twenty-something who had zero interest in becoming a hero, much less the final wielder of The Power Ring, a weapon with roots steeped within the dawn of creation. Kyle was a Kyle and no offense to Kyles but the words, "Kyle cured cancer yesterday" will never come out of anyone's mouth. This Kyle was gifted, though. He was a comic book artist. He liked Nine Inch Nails. Again, Kyles will never cure cancer and as the Green Lantern Corps came to a shocking and bloody end, the final ring went out. Normally, the ring, upon the death of a Lantern, would go out to the bravest in any particular sector of space. This time, it just sorta went out and a comic book loving dude standing in an alleyway became THE Green Lantern. No one to show him the ropes. There wasn't even a damn training manual for the dang ring or its energy source, the power battery. He was what would happen if one of the DC Universe's greatest weapons were slipped upon our finger. He was out of his depth, alone, bound to make mistakes, anxious, trying to juggle his commitments and dealing with impostor syndrome.Kyle Rayner was many of us in our twenties and I will forever love him for that.
I wrote this about Kyle back in '06:
"When Batman openly questioned Kyle's ability to do the job, Kyle quietly carried on the tradition of having a Green Lantern within The Justice League.
He did all of this for no other reason than someone had to do it. Kyle Rayner had no Guardians of The Universe to guide his hand. He had no Corps to back his play when and if he fell.
Today is another matter entirely, The Green Lantern Corps have returned in their own series, no less, stronger than ever. Hal Jordan and The Guardians of The Universe are back, better than ever.
There will be a Green Lantern in the upcoming Justice League of America title.
Why?
Kyle Rayner. Armed with nothing more than a weapon and a sense of right and wrong, Kyle held the f*ckin' line until something greater than himself could emerge.
Not Hal Jordan. Not Guy Gardner. Not John Stewart.
(Just) Kyle Rayner."
Kyle Rayner ultimately became who we'd hoped we'd be in our twenties. He simply became better.
These are my memories of DC Comics' 90's output and I recall them with fondness. These are the heroes I chose.
Wally West will always be my Flash. Kyle is my Green Lantern and Nightwing? When I think about what he is, he's a hero who still smiles.
These are the heroes that I will forever associate with my favorite period in comics. I am made.
Labels: 90's, Flash, Kyle Rayner, Nightwing
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Kyle Rayner: ADULT! Week!: Day One
The Nineties were a cruel mistresss to DC Comics. Seemingly fresh out of ideas after the early 90's success of "The Death of Superman," DC went on a creative hiatus and decided that in order to stay in the game, they had to change with the times. Gone was the reverence afforded a gorilla in a wedding dress, enter a somewhat Marvel/Image-esque "grim 'n gritty" approach in producing their comics. DC Comics went "dark."
Gone from the comics racks were books such as DC Comics Presents and The Brave and The Bold, where DC's heroes would team-up just to fight the good fight.
Comics such as Gunfire, Lobo, Deathstroke The Terminator, The Butcher & Exteme Justice were rapidly becoming the norm rather than exception. Among them was a character borrowing very much from this ethos but at the same time, shunning & skewering it. One of 90's DC's few bright spots, the Garth Ennis (Preacher) scripted title, Hitman.
Elsewhere, long-standing heroes such as Batman, Superman & Hal Jordan were being broken and killed and replaced by younger, fresher characters. Among this new breed of character was one Kyle Rayner, the last & littlest Green Lantern.
So for those who ever wondered what would happen when 90's most juvenile superhero meets absurdist, 90's "grim 'n gritty?"
Gone from the comics racks were books such as DC Comics Presents and The Brave and The Bold, where DC's heroes would team-up just to fight the good fight.
Comics such as Gunfire, Lobo, Deathstroke The Terminator, The Butcher & Exteme Justice were rapidly becoming the norm rather than exception. Among them was a character borrowing very much from this ethos but at the same time, shunning & skewering it. One of 90's DC's few bright spots, the Garth Ennis (Preacher) scripted title, Hitman.
Elsewhere, long-standing heroes such as Batman, Superman & Hal Jordan were being broken and killed and replaced by younger, fresher characters. Among this new breed of character was one Kyle Rayner, the last & littlest Green Lantern.
So for those who ever wondered what would happen when 90's most juvenile superhero meets absurdist, 90's "grim 'n gritty?"
The pure magic that is Hitman #11.
How wonderful is it that a killer who barely made it out of high school is teaching college grad, Kyle, the power of rhetoric. Tommy Monaghan: hitman, Greek scholar, master of trivium.
For those not in the know, Hitman has a low-level forms of telepathy. Tommy knows that at any given moment all Kyle ever wants in life is a chance to prove himself and a fried bratwurst with curly fries. 
Well, at least now we know that Kyle doesn't catch like a girl. Because most girls wouldn't try and CATCH A GRENADE THROWN BY A HITMAN!!!
How could you not love Kyle's dialogue? Cliches, idle threats and all. Kyle Rayner equals shorthand for "90's superhero."Well, it looks like Kyle gets shot in the head and none of his girlfriends (Jade, Donna Troy, that green alien chick with the penis Kyle never got to discover) ever meet him so no woman need fear death at the the touch of Kyle ever again. Tommy Monaghan: patron saint of Donna Troy.
It looks like Kyle Rayner: ADULT! Week's already over.
Well, then... tune in tomorrow as Kyle "fists" Tommy.
It looks like Kyle Rayner: ADULT! Week's already over.
I'd like to thank Brooklyn, my baby's momma... What? Oh, it's not over? Kyle lives to see another day?
Well, then... tune in tomorrow as Kyle "fists" Tommy.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Kyle Rayner, Adult
It's Tuesday...no, it's actually Wednesday this week...so you know what time it is! It time for...
KYLE RAYNER, ADULT!
"Had to listen to people screaming in the alley next to my building at all hours."
Why one must loathe/love Kyle Rayner, Adult?
Not once, not once, did it ever occur to him that maybe one person in that alley could have been screaming for help.
Past generations of Rayners have held the following jobs:
Head of security at Arkham Asylum, Nero's fiddle teacher and Army Intelligence Officer stationed just outside of Germany circa 1939...
...and as usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is sponsored by "Kyle Rayner's Miracle Self-Esteem Accesories."
They're "Kyle-approved!"
KYLE RAYNER, ADULT!
"Had to listen to people screaming in the alley next to my building at all hours."
Why one must loathe/love Kyle Rayner, Adult?
Not once, not once, did it ever occur to him that maybe one person in that alley could have been screaming for help.
Past generations of Rayners have held the following jobs:
Head of security at Arkham Asylum, Nero's fiddle teacher and Army Intelligence Officer stationed just outside of Germany circa 1939...
...and as usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is sponsored by "Kyle Rayner's Miracle Self-Esteem Accesories."
They're "Kyle-approved!"
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Kyle Rayner: Adult!
It's Wednesday, kids!!! You know what time it is!!!!
It's time for Kyle Rayner: Adult!
Imagine you're Kyle Rayner: It's your day off and what does your girlfriend Donna Troy do to you? She sticks you with her only son! Says something about having to go down to a courthouse so that she can get more visitation with her son, y'know, her wanting to be a good mother and all.
The Britney & Kevin of Comics. PopoZao!
So, now you're in charge of the apple of your girlfriend's eye and all you have to do is keep him occupied, so you take him to the zoo, but then your patented Kyle Rayner: Adult! "super-sense of self" kicks in and...
...you lose a child...
... somehow ending up in Vegas, protecting him from a deathtrap designed by Siegfried & Roy.
It's time for Kyle Rayner: Adult!
Imagine you're Kyle Rayner: It's your day off and what does your girlfriend Donna Troy do to you? She sticks you with her only son! Says something about having to go down to a courthouse so that she can get more visitation with her son, y'know, her wanting to be a good mother and all.
The Britney & Kevin of Comics. PopoZao!So, now you're in charge of the apple of your girlfriend's eye and all you have to do is keep him occupied, so you take him to the zoo, but then your patented Kyle Rayner: Adult! "super-sense of self" kicks in and...
...you lose a child...
... somehow ending up in Vegas, protecting him from a deathtrap designed by Siegfried & Roy.In the game of life, when Kyle Rayner: Adult! meets Siegfried meets Roy meets Darwin, sadly the children must suffer.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Kyle Rayner: Adult!
Gun plus Fish plus Barrel equals...
KYLE RAYNER: ADULT!
Let's look in on another day in the life our boy Kyle...
...and he appears to be questioning authority, again...
...and then it all comes out.
"Well, let me tell you something, DAD..."
Kyle Rayner: Adult! has "daddy" issues?!? Who'd've thunk it. Between his "dead" mother and an absentee father, it's a miracle this guy hasn't sucked his thumb down to the bone.
We love you, Kyle Rayner: Adult!
(Please don't kill us.)
KYLE RAYNER: ADULT!
Let's look in on another day in the life our boy Kyle...
...and he appears to be questioning authority, again...
...and then it all comes out."Well, let me tell you something, DAD..."
Kyle Rayner: Adult! has "daddy" issues?!? Who'd've thunk it. Between his "dead" mother and an absentee father, it's a miracle this guy hasn't sucked his thumb down to the bone.
We love you, Kyle Rayner: Adult!
(Please don't kill us.)
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Kyle Rayner: Adult!
OK, OK, it's late so...let's just get it out of the way. Look for the ongoing saga of Kyle Rayner: Adult! on Wednesdays from here on out.
Now back the thrilling adventures of our boy, Kyle...
We all do it, the telling of little white lies. I've done it. I've had it done to me. The reasons may have been to save face or to spare someone embarrassment but usually, we do it just to keep the peace. Some lies are little like, "Nah, that was Rambo on the phone." (It wasn't. Long story.)
Some lies are big, ugly, hairy, sweaty, smelly dangling ones like what Kyle Rayner: Adult! likes to tell...
"Oh, my mom's dead."
What I love about it all, is Kyle's justification, "It's just easier that way. In a lot of ways, she is dead to me." I've gotta remember that one. Sooooo, what does his girlfriend Donna Troy have to say about this? The being lied to, the lack of trust Kyle has in her, the disrespect? Next panel, please.
I want Donna Troy for girlfriend. What absolutely kills me about Kyle is that like Archie is a child's idea of what being a teenager is like, Kyle is an adult's idea of what it must be like to be "cool." Trust me, I know people like this guy. They're not cool. They do get their asses kicked alot, though.
Oh, and by the way, Donna, that itch between your legs. Not your fault.
Now back the thrilling adventures of our boy, Kyle...
We all do it, the telling of little white lies. I've done it. I've had it done to me. The reasons may have been to save face or to spare someone embarrassment but usually, we do it just to keep the peace. Some lies are little like, "Nah, that was Rambo on the phone." (It wasn't. Long story.)
Some lies are big, ugly, hairy, sweaty, smelly dangling ones like what Kyle Rayner: Adult! likes to tell...
"Oh, my mom's dead."
Now, I've told some sh*t in my lifetime but...
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!
What I love about it all, is Kyle's justification, "It's just easier that way. In a lot of ways, she is dead to me." I've gotta remember that one. Sooooo, what does his girlfriend Donna Troy have to say about this? The being lied to, the lack of trust Kyle has in her, the disrespect? Next panel, please.
I want Donna Troy for girlfriend. What absolutely kills me about Kyle is that like Archie is a child's idea of what being a teenager is like, Kyle is an adult's idea of what it must be like to be "cool." Trust me, I know people like this guy. They're not cool. They do get their asses kicked alot, though.
Oh, and by the way, Donna, that itch between your legs. Not your fault.
Kyle's.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints Induction Ceremony
Oh, my God!!! Could you have a better time than the one I had last night? In the dead of the night, I get this call saying to show up at The Hub City Friar's Club for the "Seven Hells!" Council of Saints" Induction Ceremony. I get there and the freakin' Crazy Quilt is working the front door! The Friar's Club knows there's comedy gold in having his crazy ass work the line. The "whupping Jason Todd's ass" jokes just kept on coming.
I walk through the Friar's Club door and the party's already in full swing. All of the guys were swarming in the middle of the ballroom, apparently the new Batwoman was there, along with Renee Montoya, Maggie Sawyer and Holly, the new Catwoman. The ladies were just eating soup and paying the guys no mind but the guys just couldn't take their eyes off of them.
Power Girl walked in in a white low-cut number. Obsidian basking in his new gay, kept asking her who she was wearing. He then proceeded to squeeze her left breast like Issac Mizhari did to Scarlett Johansson. Alan Scott may be mourning two children soon if Obsidian doesn't wake from his coma. Damage and The Human Bomb upon seeing PG in her dress both simultaneously exploded. Crazy Quilt and Doctor Midnight kept asking what happened.
The ceremony began soon after Jay Garrick and Superman rebuilt the hall. Anyway, up on the podium were the night's inductees Hawkman, Lady Cop and Kyle Rayner. Wildcat couldn't be there as he'd already commited to taking Ma Hunkel out to dinner weeks before. Mr. Terrific read a nice note from Wildcat, thanking us for thinking of him.
Geoff Johns was there to induct Hawkman into The Council of Saints. Before Johns could say a word, Hawkman picks up his mace and proceeds to trash the stage! You know what he did next?!? Walked off the f*****' stage without saying... a... word! He is such a rock star!!!!
Next up was Liza Warner, Lady Cop. Renee Montoya had the honor of inducting her. She spoke about how Liza had been an inspiration to her... blah blah blah... she was speaking lesbian. Lady Cop stood up (She's smaller than I thought, I'd say on a good day she might be 5'5") and delivered a rousing lecture on VD prevention, all the while, keeping her eyes locked on Kyle Rayner. Every woman in that room gave her a standing ovation.
Lady Cop somehow managed to bump her head while standing still.
Next up was my boy Kyle Rayner, there were no Green Lanterns there to induct him so he had to induct himself. Kyle was a little drunk and started off by telling us the story of "Chicken Little." Just as Batman was about to pull Kyle off the stage, out of nowhere, Kyle grew some balls and shoved The Batman! Kyle walked back to the podium, got really quiet and thanked everyone for the opportunity to learn from them, to fight for something greater than himself. Superman began to clap and everyone else followed suit. Kyle just kind of smiled and walked off the stage. Power Girl went to hug him. His balls are healing nicely.
Blue Devil ended the night with a prayer and Ambush Bug brought the house down, wheeling out the stuffed corpse of Jonah Hex.
A fun night was had by all.
Labels: Hawkman, Kyle Rayner, Lady Cop
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Kyle Rayner, Adult
I'd like to welcome Kyle Rayner to "Seven Hells!" as he's been elected as our regular Tuesday whipping boy . As St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes...well...nothing says lost cause like Kyle.
So, what do you do if you wield one of the most powerful weapons in the universe? You find the first fourteen year-olds you can find and in order to hide your own insecurities with manhood you start ragging on adults. The 'tweens, knowing an idjit when they see one*, rally around their mentors, leaving Kyle ass-out.
*They've met Johnny Thunder.
Jakeem: "Least he's not wearin' no dog collar."
Stargirl: "Heh."
Dreadlocked Black child (fist clenched and ready to knock his bitch-ass out): One.
Metrosexual: Zero.
Meanwhile, The Atom, who always manages to find the time to rest his foot on the breast of a fifteen year-old girl, can only watch in horror as Kyle shows his ass, literally and figuratively, thinking:
"That m*****f*****'s Jean Loring crazy."
...and as usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is brought to you by the makers of...
"It's Kyle-approved!"
So, what do you do if you wield one of the most powerful weapons in the universe? You find the first fourteen year-olds you can find and in order to hide your own insecurities with manhood you start ragging on adults. The 'tweens, knowing an idjit when they see one*, rally around their mentors, leaving Kyle ass-out.
*They've met Johnny Thunder.
Jakeem: "Least he's not wearin' no dog collar."
Stargirl: "Heh."
Dreadlocked Black child (fist clenched and ready to knock his bitch-ass out): One.
Metrosexual: Zero.
Meanwhile, The Atom, who always manages to find the time to rest his foot on the breast of a fifteen year-old girl, can only watch in horror as Kyle shows his ass, literally and figuratively, thinking:
"That m*****f*****'s Jean Loring crazy."
...and as usual, Kyle Rayner, Adult is brought to you by the makers of...
"It's Kyle-approved!"
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Kyle Rayner: ADULT!
How do you know you're reading a comic book with Kyle Rayner in it? Even if it isn't necessarily about Kyle, he manages to take it over. Will it be with his effervescent wit & charm? His pride in his effortless mastery of the only Power Ring known to existence? His Daddy, trust, gender and commitment issues? Probably so.
C'mon, Kyle! You're talking "daddy issues" with a kid whose mother was an a damned hippie and whose father is a sanctimonious lecher with a bow & arrow. Could you not find Orion, Son of Darkseid to talk to?
Maybe he'd tell you he'd somehow gotten a glimpse of the future and seen how many people die once they get around you, he decided to get out while the gettin' was good.
What's in it for Connor? Well, he gets a mirror to hold himself up to, for one. This l'il archer's looking pretty good to himself right about now. 
"Well, enough of this "feminine issues" bull..." Heh! That Kyle, so confused. He was after all the one who brought up his "feminine issues" and then got uncomfortable with himself. Connor just kept quiet, just rocking that purple shirt the whole time. If "issues" were a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, tight snazzy purple tee would beat out leather jacket this time around, I think....and so ends another edition of Kyle Rayner: ADULT!
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Friday, January 13, 2006
Don't Bother
I don't like Shakira. Like Kyle, she discombobulates me with all of that unnecesssary gyration. She thinks she's sexy. She isn't.
Kyle thinks he's sexy. He's not. Just stupid.
Kyle Rayner owns a Shakira CD. Two, in fact. Fijacion Oral, Vol. 1 & Oral Fixation, Vol. 2. Shakira is part of the soundtrack that goes through Kyle Rayner's mind. He plays it all the time.
You wouldn't want Kyle Rayner for a roommate. Now, Bruce Wayne? Maybe. Quiet guy. Gone for most of the night and sleeps all day. Plus, if he did play any music, it might be Nat King Cole.
Just a thought.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Kyle Rayner, Adult
It’s Tuesday, so you know what time it is! It’s time for Kyle Rayner: Adult!
Seeing that it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d use our boy in showing you how not to woo a divorcee.
One: When you take her to The Moon, don’t let your first romantic gesture be conjuring up a blonde in a maid’s outfit. You will wind up playing palm hockey no matter how clever you might believe yourself to be.
Two: Umm…there is no two. Kyle’s an ass-clown. Just don’t be a frickin’ insensitive clown to your significant other like our boy, Kyle Rayner: Adult!
Seeing that it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d use our boy in showing you how not to woo a divorcee.
One: When you take her to The Moon, don’t let your first romantic gesture be conjuring up a blonde in a maid’s outfit. You will wind up playing palm hockey no matter how clever you might believe yourself to be.
Two: Umm…there is no two. Kyle’s an ass-clown. Just don’t be a frickin’ insensitive clown to your significant other like our boy, Kyle Rayner: Adult!
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Kyle Rayner: ADULT!
This may be the most incredible Kyle Rayner panel EVER...
...Kyle Rayner, surrounded by mechanical dolphins with a bomb between his legs. Your duty...Caption it.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Kyle Rayner: ADULT!
For this week's installment of Kyle Rayner:ADULT!, please pick up your hymnals and turn to "The cRazY Book of Peyer."
Hourman #1, to be exact...
You know what the greatest part of this page is? Is it the look on Kyle's face as he reacts to Hourman's accusations?
This is the look of a guy caught putting a firecracker in a cat's butt.Is it the Kyle's child-like discourse of "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! I'm not listening to you!"
Zauriel (thinking) : I have been absolutely praying for this day to come.Flash (thinking) : Hey, Huntress, "Got milk?" *huh-huh*
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Monday, March 20, 2017
Kyle To The Corps
Ion. White Lantern, The Green Man.
Green Lantern.
After nearly a decade of downgrading, Kyle Rayner looks to be back where he belongs: in a crab mask and in The Green Lantern Corps and I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.
Yes, Kyle, initially, sucked at being a Lantern but that's because he was us.
He was us as a Green Lantern.
He wasn't meant for the ring but accepted the responsibility behind it. All the while doing so with no Corps or Guardians of The Universe to guide him.
He was us. He was the ultimate witness. He was meant to help us see The DC Universe with new and fresh eyes. He did the things we would do if we had good hearts and zero experience. He was doing the best with the tools he possessed. Kyle Rayner had impostor syndrome and I suspect many of us felt empathy.
Along with Wally West, Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Conner Hawke and others, he made the DC Universe feel new again. It felt young again.
And with the return of Hal Jordan he was diminished. He was set aside and made other (Ion) in an attempt to make Hal Jordan THE Green Lantern.
He was diminished again and again and cast further and further away from the thing that defined him best until finally, his death seemed almost humane. If it weren't for Kyle holding the line by himself, there would be nothing for a Hal to come back to. More than any other, Kyle deserves the ring.
And now, he is back. Weird mask and stupid gauntlets and smiling in the green. It may not last but it's good to have him back.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Kyle Rayner: ADULT!
There once was a boy named Kyle,
Who took his friends upon a green mile...
Despite Devon adding "ADULT!" amongst his many labels...Kyle was the only one smart enough to match wits with The Queen Of Fables.
For this crisis, Kyle knew exactly what to do,
Leaving Kyle upstaged by a man who smells of fish.
Do not fear! The day was won,
another edition of Kyle Rayner: ADULT!...
done.
Do not fear! The day was won,
another edition of Kyle Rayner: ADULT!...
done.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Kyle Rayner: ADULT!
Let us away to Gotham City and to the first formal meeting between The Batman and Kyle Rayner...
Like any good child, Kyle just wants to help and like most children do when they help, he just winds up creating more work for the adults. By the way, Kyle , of course Batman knows who you are.Why?
You just got hit in the head. Nothing says "Green Lantern" more than that.
There's a lot of evil in Gotham. Any given moment, one could find death at the hands of The Joker. One could find peril in an encouter with The Riddler. Not Kyle. One minute in Gotham and Kyle miraculously finds a way to get his ass kicked by a ska band. Hell, I'd even dance to that.
Labels: Kyle Rayner
Monday, August 07, 2006
Kyle Rayner: ADULT! Week!: Day Four
Sorry for the lateness. I lost track of the comic before scanning it all in. Yep, I'm a genius.
Anyway, when we last left our hero Kyle he was inside an Irish bar with Tommy "Hitman" Monaghan...
...after being lied to by a FBI agent...
Anyway, when we last left our hero Kyle he was inside an Irish bar with Tommy "Hitman" Monaghan...
...after being lied to by a FBI agent...
(Imagine that.)
She left one thing out, though.
She left one thing out, though.
Tommy really is a hitman?!? I don't know what's more shocking: Tommy's nonchalance about The FBI's file on him or Kyle's finally realizing Tommy's a hitman after having a gun shoved down his throat.
Aww, man! I guess that means they won't be teaming up. Oh, the slash fic that could've come from that!
It's good to know that the concept of the "broke-ass m%*$@f*^&@" is a universal one.
From what I've heard, many of Kyle's girlfriends also called him "The Green Tightwad" but for... *heh*heh*... many... many... different reasons.And so ends Kyle Rayner: ADULT! Week!
Later!
Labels: Kyle Rayner
